Sion man outside the Credit union last week

By Shengas McGlumphie

Sion Mills starts a ‘tough love’ campaign tomorrow aimed at dealing with the problem of adult obesity, after a survey showed that 46% of people in the area now answer to the name ‘Lard Arse’.

“It’s a real concern”, said Frankie Molloy, of the local group Sion Action which is spearheading the campaign to deal with the issue. “Walk down the Melmount Road and yell, ‘Hey Sumo, whit about ye hi?’, and a dozen people will turn round. It’s a proper obesity epidemic and we need to act now. And it’s not going to be nice”.

’Lard Arse’ came top of the list, with others following close behind including ‘Wide Load’, ‘Chubs’, ‘Chubby’, ‘Fats’, ‘Fat Boy Slim’, ‘Plumpers’ and ‘Plumpton’.

According to Golias.fr, 32-stone porker Sidney Clarke who works in the cricket club said,

“It’s becoming a real problem in the area. It used to be just me really, so if I was walking down the street and someone shouted ‘Salad Dodger’ or ‘Chair Crusher’, I knew it was me they were talking about. Now it could be any number of people. Everyone’s on the bandwagon. To be honest I feel like I’ve lost a bit of status. I quite liked being the only ‘Fat Lord’ or ‘Sweat Hog’. These days, it’s not clear who ate all the pies when people shout stuff out in the street, and it just causes confusion. I used to be ‘Lard of the Manor’. Not any more”.

Molloy says the action group has considered several ways to resolve the problem, one of which is to attribute specific nicknames to certain individuals.

“Someone like Sidney for example has always been called ‘Bloater’ even from when he was at school, so it’s a bit unkind that other heavyweights are muscling in on the name. There are only so many good quality nicknames for chubsters to go round”, pondered Molloy.

Asked whether resolving the name-calling issue was dealing more with the symptom rather than the problem of obesity itself, Molloy said

“Well it’s not as if we’re going to ask people to eat less, are we? Jaysus, we’re not fascists. Whatever next, telling them to exercise? They might act like that in Strabane but you won’t get sort of behaviour here. That’s just disrespecting the roly-polys. No, let’s show some dignity by giving them their own nicknames. Personally, I like ‘Aisle Blocker’ and ‘Buffet Slayer’. Oh, and ‘Large-and-in-Charge’”