Category Archives: Cappagh

Riots As Coalisland Silver Band Re-classified As A Brass Band

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as

Coalisland this morning

Coalisland this morning

the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.

Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.

All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.

Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.

The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.

Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.

More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.

“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”

With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.

The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.

Mass Rioting In Tyrone Over Brooks Cancellation

Cookstown, an hour ago

Cookstown, an hour ago

Police in Mid-Ulster have admitted they’re at breaking point after it emerged Garth Brooks will not be hosting a 5-day concert series in Croke Park and will be performing for 3 days instead, sparking riotous scenes across Tyrone.

UN troops have been mobilised and are currently making their way across Lough Neagh by boat and are expected to reach the western coast by 5pm GMT,

Local journalists confirmed the first rioting occurred outside a music shop in Coalisland with locals pelting the store with anything that came to hand from children’s dummies to hubcaps. One resident, Ronald McSherry, explained their anger:

“We’ve been talking about this for months now and all for what? 3 lousy days? Personally I’m not going myself as I hate his music but that’s besides the point. We’re being trampled over again and if we don’t stand up to the authorities now it’ll be something else next. Music shops all over the county are going to get some touch tonight.”

When it was explained to McSherry that the music shop in question, Pat’s Island Records, doesn’t sell tickets and just deals in trumpets and bugles he turned on this reporter and accused me of being ‘one of them’.

Riots have also broken out in Cookstown, Omagh, Strabane, Dungannon, Pomeroy and a hedge was set alight in Cappagh. Fire fighters who arrived on the scene to put the fire were pelted with turf by locals singing ‘Friends In Low Places’ in an angry tone.

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness has appealed for calm across Mid-Ulster and has promised to put on a free live concert in Donaghmore on those two days featuring Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan and Philomena Begley, with unlimited hotdogs for all attendees if they stop rioting.

Meanwhile a Garth Brooks spokesman has confirmed, that in order to calm tensions, they’ll possibly consider doing an over-the-Internet concert from his home if riots continue into a second day.

World Cup Widows Prepare For Month Of Shouting Matches

Typical World Cup scene across the county

Typical World Cup scene across the county

Women across the county are ramping up their shouting techniques as men get ready for a month of doing nothing around the house.

The 2014 World Cup, which kicks off on Thursday, will see all matches played after 5pm, meaning very few man-jobs will be completed around houses after work. Cathy Traynor, an events manager from Cappagh, is confident she is fully prepared for the month ahead:

“Yes, a few of us met up last night to put the finishing touches on our roaring sessions. I learnt a few new phrases like ‘get up off yer feckin arse ye lazy oul balax’ that’ll come in handy around the second week and all the light bulbs need changing.”

Leaflets have been distributed amongst women in Galbally, instructing them on leaving out bins and kicking car tyres to see if they’re OK. Recently elected Independent councillor for Kildress, Leo McHudd, is worried about the local livestock:

“I’m slightly concerned that animals will be left to roam the lands for four weeks. That encourages inter-species breeding and that’s the last thing we need after the half-sheep half-pig fiasco of four years ago. We didn’t know whether to eat or shear the thing.”

Patsy Mackle from Blackwatertown admitted he’s fairly excited at the month ahead:

“I buckin hate soccer but I’ll be glued to the TV. I means I don’t have to lift down boxes from the attic or plumb the kitchen pipes. I do start to smell a bit after a few days but sure I’ll just stick the head out when it’s lashing down.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone have adopted Iran as their team of choice as they also live beside dodgy enough neighbours.

Fivemiletown To Be Renamed ‘Eightkilometretown’ Under New EU Legislation

Fivemiletown copy

    BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

New rules introduced by the EU via Stormont will see the village of Fivemiletown in Tyrone renamed Eightkilometretown from next Monday.

Council workers were today hard at work changing signage in and around the town to ensure that the Ulster councils do not fall foul of a new
EU directive designed to ensure consistency and transparency across European members, which includes the standardisation from imperial measures to metric.

Fivemiletown is not the only location in Tyrone affected. Sixmilecross village today similarly becomes Ninekilometrecross, whilst one of the county’s best-known visitor attractions, the Beaghmore Stone Circles, a site of significant archaeological interest, becomes the Beaghmore Kilo Circles. Retail outlets are also affected, with Poundland in Dungannon’s Scotch Street changing to Gramland from next week.

Other plans which may be introduced over the next twelve months include driving on the right hand side of the road, horsemeat being sold throughout the county, again, and compulsory three-hour siestas on any day the sun comes out.

Local Tyrone councillor Enda McMann confirmed the changes:

“It makes sense. Sort of. If we’re trying to encourage Johnny Foreigner to come and visit the county we don’t want him all confused with the inches and the miles and driving on the wrong side of the road and suchlike. We want him thinking it’s just an extension of his own country. That’s why this time next year places like Cappagh and Galbally will have pavement cafes, street artists, and a branch of Harrods. A bit like Donaghmore really”.

He continued,

“Imagine walking through Greencastle up to your arse in Michelin-starred restaurants. That’s what it’ll be like. And the Garvaghey complex will probably get bulldozed and turned into a big marina with million pound yachts and pedalo boats and things. Yep, we’re going the whole nine yards. Sorry, metres”.

As part of the re-naming programme, all possible racial references will be removed to ensure that no-one can take the slightest offence, with plans already under way for the River Blackwater to be re-named the River-Of-Non-Defined-Origin-Water from October.

‘Darragh The Tank Engine’ Writer Accused Of Plagiarism By Publishers

The plump regulator

The Plump Regulator

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A Seskinore writer of a new children’s book has been accused of copying a long-standing children’s classic.

Last month author Marty Gallagher of Doogary Road was in discussion with several well-known Tyrone-based publishing houses about a children’s book he had written entitled ‘Darragh the Tank Engine’ about a fictional train and his little train friends, before being accused of copying a similarly named character and story-format from another popular children’s book.

“My characters are completely different from anything else that’s out there”, protested Gallagher. “See, I have this one boyo in it who’s not a train at all but a human who looks after all the railways and trains and suchlike, called the Plump Regulator. I know it’s probably a bit size-ist but it just seems like the right character. I can’t explain it. I’m copying no-one hi. It’s deadly. And if it gets made into a telly programme I don’t want some posh actor from London narrating it. I like the idea of someone with a strong regional accent, like that John Bishop fella. He’s quite good. It’s just something about the Scouse accent. Class”.

Gallagher turned to writing a few years ago after heavily investing in a typewriter manufacturing business in Belfast, which promptly went out of business two weeks later.

“Aye, who could have predicted the changes ahead, eh?” said Gallagher ruefully. “I tried to save the business by diversifying into selling filofaxes, but it was too little too late. That’s why I’ve since turned my hand to writing. I’ve some imagination, even although I don’t know where my half my ideas come from”.

One of the would-be publishers based in Trillick, the publishing heartland of Tyrone, who didn’t want to give her name, declared,

“I know where his bloody ideas come from. He needs to catch himself on. He approached us with a book last year called Barry Cotter, about a boy wizard from Cappagh who got up to all sorts of stuff with his mate, Sean Greasely. Wonder where he got that idea? And then there was his other so-called book, ‘The Lion, The Witch, and The Washingbay’. Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. And obviously neither can he”.

As of yesterday evening, Gallagher was hard at work on his typewriter expanding his range of train characters, including a “a friendly wee Welsh engine called Ivor”.

Pomeroy Man Sells Bottled Air To Lowlands People

Soviet_mayones_jar_250_ml copyA Pomeroy farmer, who owns land at the highest point in the village, has sold nearly 100 bottles and jars of his local air to residents of Derrylaughan and Derrytresk.

The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.

Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.

“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”

Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:

“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”

Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.

 

 

 

 

 

Nearly Everyone In Tyrone Is ‘On The Run’ From Someone Or Something

OTR in Tattyreagh

OTR in Tattyreagh

A recent report into the On The Runs (OTRs) in Ireland has confirmed that of the 177’000 inhabitants in Tyrone, almost 100’000 are on the run from something or somewhere. This startling revelation has thrown the Civil Service into chaos as they attempt to examine each case individually, originally thinking they were dealing with only 200 cases.

Chief civil servant Valerie McMahon listed a few of the reasons for the rather large tally of OTRs in the county:

“This is a bit of a nightmare. We asked around Galbally and Moortown for information on who was on the run and nearly every household had a couple of OTRs. In one lane in Galbally, there were 16 on the run from the TV licence man, 12 on the run from their wives, one on the run from buying a round and another dozen on the run from their drunken antics at recent weddings. And that was just the men. We met a woman from Cappagh on the run from her sister after leaving on a pair of straighteners and burning a hole in her Frankie Goes To Hollywood sweatshirt. Categorising these is going to be a logistical hell.”

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness is said to be livid at the suggestion that those on the run from stealing Choc Pops from a local garage in Pomeroy is to be given the same category of offence for those on the run from sticking up Union Jacks in Carrickmore. An insider told us he pleaded for the downgrading of ice lolly thieves:

“Marty went clean mad at Peter Robinson when it was revealed that an on the run Choc Pop burglar would receive a category 4 OTR status, the same as the two fellows from Newmills who put up three Union Jacks outside the toilets in Carrickmore. He says that the deadly summer we had last year left men and women fierce hot and that the ice lolly makers were cashing in on climate change, especially in Pomeroy with it being so high up and all. He didn’t go as far as condone the theft of Choc Pops but intimated that a blind eye should be turned, especially if the OTR is over 70.”

Meanwhile, a traffic warden who nearly gave a ticket to a vehicle in Coalisland last week and went on the run after being spotted licking his pencil by locals, has been told his OTR status will be quashed if he returns to his home in Banbridge.

Cappagh Woman Accused Of Being ‘Ladylike’, Punches Cow In Face

Funny-Cow-23

 BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

A Cappagh woman took matters into her own hands when she faced accusations of being ‘genteel’ and ‘ladylike’ from some of her friends.

38-year old Dervla McComish, a tractor mechanic from Cappagh, was accused of ‘behaving like a lady’, when she was spotted sticking her small finger up as she was drinking a pint of Carlsberg Super Strength in Tally’s Bar in Galbally on Friday night.

“I was affronted”, growled McComish. “I’ve not been that offended since my sister accused me of being ‘a bit feminine’ in 2006. Jaysus, I nearly bit her head off. Probably would have done if I had any teeth left. Can’t go around with a reputation like that”.

 
“Aw, they’re taking the haun out of her”, said brother-in-law Gary McCaffrey. “The last thing big Dervla is is ladylike. How anyone could look her in the eye and say something like that would be impossible. Partly because she’s got a lazy eye. Hard to know which one to look at”.

McComish was also accused of eating with her mouth closed, saying ‘please’ when ordering drinks at the bar, and trying to stifle her own farts.

McComish decided to prove her lack of womanliness by climbing into a neighbouring field and punching an unsuspecting cow in the middle of its face.

“You should have seen the poor thing”, said onlooker Mattie Cullen. “Went down like a sack of spuds. And the rest of the herd didn’t fancy their chances either going by all the dung in the field. Honestly, you don’t want to bump into Dervla McComish on a dark night. Come to think of it, you don’t want to bump into her in broad daylight either”.

On the way back into the pub McComish sought to dispel any remaining doubt as to her lack of femininity by head butting a skip.

McComish last wore a dress for the Ulster Young Mechanics Dinner in 1996, when she was described as looking ‘like Hugo in drag’, a comment that she was secretly pleased about as she had always had a thing for ‘cuddly wee singing men’.

Local 500-Year Old Castle To Be Replaced With 2-Year Old Bouncy Castle

Proposed castle

Proposed castle

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A local man has confirmed that he is well on his way to securing significant funding for the redevelopment of the little-known Cappagh Castle on Lurgylea Road.

The news follows an article in last week’s Tyrone Times that one of Tyrone’s most important ancient sites, Tullyhogue Fort outside Cookstown, is to receive a major investment of almost £500K over the next two years.

“If them Tullyhogue boys can get a lock of pounds, then so can Cappagh”, said self-appointed spokesperson 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional grass grower from Altmore. “And we’re only asking for £100,000. You can buy a whole clatter of stuff with £100,000. There’s money to be made here. For the County, of course”,

he added hurriedly, whilst winking and rubbing his hands.

Kerrigan detailed his plans, saying,

“Cappagh Castle is fine, but it could be better. And in particular, much much bouncier. So we’re going to get planning permission to do away with all the old stones and all that ancient muck and build a huge bouncy castle. Jays, they’ll come from miles around boys”.

Asked whether a bouncy castle wouldn’t detract from what is currently a site of immense historical and cultural significant dating back to the 16th Century, Kerrigan replied,

“That’s the beauty of a bouncy castle. It’s a castle, isn’t it? We’re just replacing like for like really. And it will all be in keeping with all that ancient stuff, because I’m sure some of them medieval boys had helter skelters in the olden days too. And dodgem cars. Oh, and a Laserquest. It’s going to be quare”.

Many residents have not responded well to the news. Jack Toner, a 52 year old snake charmer from Sessiadonaghy Road, said,

“The press release said that the Castle’s a large mound next to Cappagh village, which has a depressed centre and is surrounded by trees. Depressed? How dare they, cheeky feckers. We’ve got our own recycling centre you know. And a new ‘Give Way’ road sign”, he added proudly.”

Cappagh Castle was reportedly built by Vikings who invaded Tyrone hundreds of years ago but thought the women were deadly and settled into the local lifestyle.

Report Confirms Many People Still Working Their Way Through Christmas Food

Lunch in Edendork

Lunch in Edendork

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

A study carried out yesterday by the Northern Ireland Institute of Studies confirmed that the majority of people in Tyrone continue to stuff themselves senseless in an effort to get through all the left-over Christmas food before it goes past its sell-by date.

“Christmas itself was bad enough, but this is beyond a joke”, complained 54-year old Nuala O’Neill from Brocagh, through a mouthful of Tesco’s ‘Taste The Difference’ Plum Pudding. “I nearly gave myself the boke after eating a dozen roast potatoes out the fridge that had been there since Boxing Day. To be honest they were completely rancid, but they needed eaten. Can’t have these things going to waste you know”.

Mary Gough from The Moy agreed.

“I ate half a Christmas cake last night and then found out it can last for years. That wasn’t great news after having worked my way through the last of the turkey. We’ve had turkey sandwiches, turkey curry, turkey pasta, turkey stew, and turkey surprise. I eventually ran out of ideas and ended up making turkey meringue pie. Quite nice actually”.

“The worst of it is I just can’t get rid of the stuff”, complained Sean McKenna of Aughabrack. “Someone gave me a tin of Marks & Spencer All-Butter Shortbread as a Christmas present, so I gave it to my ma as a gift on Boxing Day. Turns out she gave it to her niece on New Year’s Eve, who gave it to her daughter on New Year’s Day, who then gave it back to me as a present at the weekend. Feckin’ cheapskates”.

Marian Quinn from Cappagh admitted:

“I sent my 7 year old cub to school with fifteen mince pies for his packed lunch. Only two days to go before the sell-by date, so they needed used up. I know he’s allergic to pastry, but sure, he’ll manage fine”.

32-stone half-man, half-spacehopper Sidney Clarke from Ballygawley, said,

“I found a couple of smoothies in the fridge my mum had left and if truth be told I was wanting a more healthy diet for the new year anyway, so I got tore into them. I never realised one was clotted cream and the other pure goose fat. Tara. I got through three Cadbury’s selection boxes getting rid of the taste though, so it wasn’t all bad”.

‘Ross Kemp: In Galbally’ To Be Filmed Next Year

ross_kemp_afgan_bluray_300 copyRoss Kemp, the award winning investigative journalist famous for “Ross Kemp: In Afghanistan” and “Ross Kemp: The Middle East” has admitted he faces his toughest assignment yet when he attempts to infiltrate the Galbally underworld of diesel and poitin.

Kemp made it clear that he expects a frosty reception but is determined to crack what he calls ‘the most dangerous place in Europe’ or something like that.

“Listen, I’ve done all the war torn areas on this planet but wherever I went people would always mock me and  ask why I haven’t been to Galbally. Even one of the Taliban boys had a picture of the Galbally football team in his car. It’s an itch I need to scratch and it’s happening next year. Galbally, I’m coming for you.”

In a show of defiance, three Galbally boys sitting on a stone wall ‘keeping watch’ told us where they think Kemp can jump:

“If a boy from Eastenders thinks he can come over here and clean up the place, he’s going to be sorry lad heading back over the Irish Sea, probably with a bottle of strawberry poitin in his back pocket.”

Another added:

“This is just David Attenborough all over again. He came over here in the 80s to study us for the BBC. He ended up in Tally’s the whole week on the pure stuff and driving around on the ‘home-brew fuel’ as we call it. The program was never made. It’ll be the same with this Grant Mitchell boy- we’ll have him slamming down the craytur and shouting ‘yahooooo’ at Cappagh wemen by midweek. I hope he brings his ma Peggy for the craic.”

Meanwhile Cappagh brothers Brian and Mark Hurl have released their song aiming for an Ireland Christmas No.1 called ‘These Are A Few Of My Hatefulist Things’, made famous by Julie Andrews but with a Cappagh slant. As a teaser, they have released their opening lines:

Checkpoints on corners with long diesel dippers
Cleaning the clubhouse and using paint strippers
Wemen on tables when Gareth Brooks sings
These are a few of my hatefulist things

Paddy Power is offering 1000-1.

Twerking, Or Arse-Dancing, Banned At Tyrone Dances

Moy man practising arse-dancing

Moy man practising arse-dancing

A multi-denominational approach has seen all religious leaders denounce twerking from their pulpits this morning and warned that any youngsters or middle-aged boogie lovers caught arse-dancing after 8pm in discos and dance halls will be excommunicated from their respective churches.

Arse-dancing involves shaking your behind to all types of music, popularised by Americans such as Beyoncé and Miley Cyrus. Fr Simon Shields, the 55 year old PP of Cappagh Parish, highlighted the dangers of such dancing:

“Us priests and other faith leaders still like to head to the odd disco and enjoy the modern music and clap along. The last thing we need is seeing these dance floors filled with a mass of arses bouncing all over the place to Nathan Carter’s Wagon Wheel or the latest Bangles number. It’s putting us priests off and we’ll end up not going and getting grumpier. It has to stop so we’ve banned this type of dancing for the next two years everywhere in the country from the Glenavon to Sally’s. No more twerking in Tyrone”.

Pastor Daniel Simpson (61) from Fintona agreed:

“Let’s be honest here. Tyrone wouldn’t be a deadly place for arses. I’ve seen hefty men and women in tight leggings bouncing their backsides like as if they’re standing in a trailer on the back of a Massey motoring down a bumpy back road in Greencastle. It’s nauseous for us oul lads. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned waltz or jive?”

Already, one Church of Ireland service goer has been reported by her husband for arse-dancing whilst making the dinner in Aghyaran although she was simply verbally reprimanded by the furious vicar as she beat the 8pm watershed.

Churches as also looking into banning the ‘Rock-the-Boat’ rowing dance as well as Nathan Carter himself.

Riot At Spud Convention In Cappagh. Priest Sent For.

Man collecting pitters, purdees, poundies or pratties?

Man collecting pitters, purdees, poundies or praties?

The annual County Tyrone Potato Appreciation Society Convention was abandoned yesterday after police and priests were unable to contain a mass brawl in Cappagh Hall. Eyewitnesses claim to have seen men and women ‘throwing deadly slaps’ and ‘clodding spuds’ at each other after a disagreement over the correct local pronunciation of the potato.

Current County Tyrone Potato Appreciation Society chairperson Mary Nolan (68) was not in the mood for a peaceful resolution:

“Them there loughshore ones and go and buck. I’ve never heard of people calling spuds ‘pitters’. Pitters? Everyone knows it ‘purdees’. It was always purdees going back to the 1800s because I was there. And the Strabane ones can bugger off too. Their representative started going on about ‘poundies’. Sure that’s a completely different sort of dish. The westies and the easties couldn’t handle the truth and started boxing and slapping. Well, us Cappaghonians didn’t take it lying down so they got a few hard purdees up their gobs for their troubles.”

Nolan confirmed that they have officially changed their name to the County Tyrone Purdee Appreciation Society much to the annoyance of Washingbay rep Johnny Corr (77):

“Well, if that’s true I’d like to announce the formation of the Continuity Pitter Society. Anyone can sign up, even disaffected purdee people. We will make sure the local spud is called by its correct title. I’d also like to extend a hand of friendship to the new Strabane militant group, The Real Poundie Association. Together we can crush the Purdees. Up the Pitters.”

Fr Henry McAteer, who was called to the scene of the riot, recommended a time of reflection and cool heads:

“This is an emotive issue in Tyrone. The correct pronunciation has hampered us for centuries. It threatened to derail the 1798 rebellion in Tyrone after a massive fallout between the Brocagh and Aghyaran ones over a plate of spuds. I’m prepared to act as peacemaker and suggest we call them praties from now on.”

Fr McAteer has since been chased back to Maynooth.

PSNI Reveal Top Tyrone Excuses

PSNI tightening up

PSNI tightening up

The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.

The statement listed the top 5 excuses:

  • (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
  • (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
  • (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
  • (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
  • (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)

PSNI spokesman Constable Trimble added:

“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”

Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:

“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”

Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.

Anger As Giro d’Italia Comes To Ireland, But Not Pomeroy Or Drumquin

Cyclist's nightmare?

Cyclist’s nightmare?

Pomeroy, and its famed mountains, was said tonight to be ‘livid’ as news of the route for the Giro d’Italia was released today with Belfast, the Glens of Antrim and Armagh the designated stages. The Italian Quarter in Cappagh are also said to be a bit ‘miffed’, having bought in a lorryload of ice cream for the occasion.

There will be three stages to the race – a 22 km time trial around Belfast, a loop around the north coast and a cross border final stage, with Drumquin also sensationally snubbed despite them even having a song about their hills too.

Patsy Devlin, a cycling enthusiast from Pomeroy, summed up the feelings of his disappointed home-place:

“Some shower. Are they afeard to tackle our mountains? They think they’re deadly climbing the Alps and all but that’s a doddle compared to Grimes’ Hillock or Kavanagh’s Mound. I’d like to see Bradley Wiggles attempt Sigerson’s Hump with buck goats darting at you from both sides or trying to negotiate a spontaneous Philomena Begley concert half way up Cavanakeeran. Wimps. Buckin wimps.”

Drumquin’s Tessie Hurson also couldn’t contain her anger:

“We’re furious. When we heard the Giro was coming here we were sure Drumquin would be first on the list. We even painted the roads with motivational slogans like ‘Keep er lit’, ‘Shoe to the burd’ and ‘Suckin Diesel’. I’ve no doubt the words of The Hills Above Drumquin have put these pansies off: “This life is sad and dreary, and the task of it is sore, My feet are growing weary, I may never wander more;” 

Meanwhile, Slieve Gallion locals have welcomed news of the route with Johnny Irwin claiming they never wanted a pile of nosey-parkers sniffing around their braes as “there’s things going on in them there mountains that no one needs to know about” before winking and walking off, smelling of potatoes, malted barley and diesel.

Mixed Feelings On Arthur’s Day In Tyrone

GuinnessDrip

We took a spin around the county to test the temperature on the Guinness money-spinner ‘Arthur’s Day’.

“Arthur’s Day my arse.” SANDY SAVAGE, NEWMILLS

“To be honest, every day’s an Arthur’s Day in our house. Yer man comes home full of stout after a few in Quinn’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then he goes on a charge on Sundays and Saturdays. But listen, being a parish priest ain’t easy.” MRS TONER, BALLYGAWLEY PAROCHIAL HALL

“I think it’s great we’re finally acknowledging the great joy Art McCrory brought us. Mickey’s Day just sounds like a Dublin brothel.” PADDY KAVANAGH, DUNGANNON

“Ach I wouldn’t be up-to-date on Christy Moore’s stuff. Is it any good? Hard to bate Don’t Forget Yer Shovel.” R MCSHINNY, COALISLAND

“The basterd. I left a stocking at the end of the bed last night hoping he’d have left a tin or two in the morning. Nothing”. D DEVLIN, GREENCASTLE

“I hate it. St Patrick didn’t chase the snakes out of Ireland so we could brew stout morning to night. Or, …did he?” G MCCANN, MOY

“I’m sick of these Irish stereotyping holidays. As soon as I finish my pint, I’m going to punch someone with my Shillelagh, begob”. P MURPHY, CAPPAGH SHEBEEN

“They should call tomorrow National Sewage Day. There’ll be some blockages in the morning going by the shower drinking stout in Sally’s.” J MCMAHON, OMAGH

“Ghost-oh” MOST OF ARDBOE

“Bloody hell. Christmas, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween and now this. All holidays invented by the Stormont government boys to fleece us all.” F LOGAN, STEWARTSTOWN

Donaghmore ‘Mortified’ That It Looks Fat On Google Earth

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

Donaghmore

The Parish, looking bloated

The Parish of Donaghmore today voiced concerns that it was unhappy about how it appears in the recently updated Google Maps satellite images published by the internet giant.

 “Look at me!” exclaimed the parish. “I’m enormous! I didn’t even know the photograph was getting taken. I look huge compared even to Kildress. And look at Pomeroy. It’s the same size as me but it’s deliberately covered itself with trees so that you can hardly see it. And Aghaloo deliberately went and made itself smaller or something”.

Donaghmore admitted that it has grown in size over the past 3 million years as it was so unhappy with its shape, and confessed it had eaten into parts of Killeeshil and Drumglass when no-one was looking.

 “It’s not the point. If I had known in advance a photo was going to get taken, I could at least have smartened the area near Galbally or given myself a tidy up round the Bush. That might have helped. To be honest it’s just a bad photo. I never look my best in the spring. And the satellite was far too close when it took the picture. Still, at least I’m not the the size of Cappagh”, snorted Donaghmore. “It’s big enough to have its own feckin’ postcode!” before realising that all parishes do.

In a controversial move, the parish has agreed to an extreme make-over in the form of extensive quarrying around Granville which is expected to remove 3 million tonnes of rock and sand from the area, as well as having 500 hectares of forestry removed. “Oooh, I can’t wait”, said Donaghmore excitedly, “It’ll be like a new me”.

Meanwhile, the parish has since stopped talking to Carnteel which it says should have warned it the photograph was getting taken.

Cappagh Beauty Queen Contestant Accidentally Wins Local Gurning Competition

Miss Cappagh/Gurner

Miss Cappagh/Gurner

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIEshengas

Locals were left in confusion on Saturday afternoon at the Cappagh Summer Show after the gurning competition was accidentally won by a woman who had intended to the enter the ‘Miss Cappagh 2013’ contest.

It is thought that the judging process became confused after several of the judges had participated in the ‘Poitin Supplier of the Year’ competition, a hotly-contested category featuring different substances made variously of potatoes, barley, and water.

Clearly worse-for-wear head judge, local car-wash team leader Thomas McIlhenny, said,

“Ah sure, we had had a whole clatter of pints before the day started and the craytur on top. It was all a bit bewildering to be honest. This big lassie came up onto the stage, carrying plenty of timber. It did seem a bit odd her going in for the gurning wearing a swimsuit and talking about how she wanted nothing more than world peace and the new Nathan Carter album, but then I thought nothing of it. To be honest I had trouble seeing straight by that time. Then she started pulling all them grotesque faces like she was havin’ a fit. It was enough to bring the poitin back up. I thought she was a class act, mad for the gurning like. By the time we realised the mistake, it was too late. And we didn’t want to make a fuss. You know what Cappagh’s like. We’ve always been a really tolerant bunch”.

Fortunately, there will be no appeal:

“I was initially confused then surprised then shocked then a bit confused again”, said 26 year old winner Sinead Boyle from through a horse’s collar. “I’m happy now though. The prize for the gurning was a 10-second trolley dash down the biscuit aisle of Costcutter’s in Galbally, so I’m really pleased. I wasn’t really sure about entering the beauty competition anyway after I got my two front teeth kicked out by a heifer last year, but my ma persuaded me to go in for it”.

She did great so she did”, said delighted mother Mary, a part-time cushion fluffer from Corlea Road. “Wee Sinead’s got a lazy eye and I think she must’ve went up onto the wrong stage. Still, she did us proud. We’ve enough Gypsy Creams to last us a year”.

In what is believed to be a further blunder by the judges, the beauty contest was eventually won by a 1982 light-blue Massey Ferguson MF82 tractor.

Tyrone ‘School Of Plastering’ Opens In Kildress To Improve Spreading Standards

A finished job in Cappagh

A finished job in Cappagh

In order to combat the sharp decline in plastering skills in the county, the Tyrone County Council have opened a School of Plastering in Kildress which will teach youngsters who aspire to be plasterers the basic skills in the trade. The move comes after a series of street protests all over the county complaining about the cowboy spreading jobs being carried out in most new developments.

Peter Carney, a plasterer from Clonoe with 44 years experience, fully supports the new school:

“It has been a long time coming. I stopped taking on apprentices after a series of unbelievable mishaps last year. I took on a team of young lads from Brocagh and Derrylaughan for a big job in the Moy. Never again. I told one of them to scratch a wall for me. I came back an hour later and he was literally scratching a wall with his fingernails the way you’d scratch a cat. The poor fellow’s fingers were dripping with blood. Another boy was using the bible as a straight edge.”

Jack Kelly (61) from Galbally added:

“I took a nephew from Greencastle on last month. He arrived with what he thought were the tools needed. He brought a rubber duck (plastic float), a pet budgie (hawk) and a towel (trowel). And his da’s a spark too. I told him to go out and get a scratching tool and he came with nothing but a worried face and said ‘sure I can scratch ye’. I’d have been better off taking my ma with me and she’s 97 and deaf but a damn decent spread.”

So far 300 have signed up for the Plastering Summer School with the first week’s topic “How To Use A Darby” already in progress. Mary Farrell, a mother to 7 teenage sons, says all her lads will be attending:

“It was either that of the Gaeltacht. There’ll be plenty of time for curtin’ when they’re older so it’s off to the spreading school for them. There’ll be no curtin’ there hopefully.”

A place on the Spreading Degree course costs £300 and runs for 6 weeks.

G8 Police Deny Claims They’re So Bored They’re Playing An Enormous Game Of Hide And Seek

Cop in Galbally this morning, wrecking about.

Cop in Galbally this morning, wrecking about.

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

The PSNI were forced to respond yesterday to allegations that the extra police drafted in to the county for the G8 summit in Enniskillen have been so bored that they have resorted to playing children’s games and making preposterous allegations against residents.

The claims come following the arrest of Joe McElduff of Cappagh, who was lifted on Sunday evening on a charge of attempted arson whilst trying to light a barbeque in his garden in the rain. A number of what the police called ‘strange-smelling items’ were also removed from his property that subsequently turned out to be some burgers he had bought from Aldi in Dungannon. He was later released without charge.

On Monday, twenty-nine cattle were detained in a field near Benburb for four hours by over 200 officers in a controversial practice known as ‘kettling’, on the grounds that they were ‘acting suspiciously’ and ‘loitering with intent’, whilst a woman having lunch in Askin’s in Ballygawley was cautioned for ‘eating without due care and attention’ after she dribbled some mayonnaise down her chin.

Other people have claimed that a county-wide game of policeman hide and seek is underway, which is why officers are spending so much time parked on top of bridges and key access points across the county, as they try to spot colleagues who are in hiding in ditches, barns and fields.

DI Sean Robertson of the PSNI refuted the claims, saying,

“The PSNI and our mutual colleagues from across the water offer the highest standards of professionalism, a level that is demanded to protect some of the world’s leaders”.

The G8 is being policed by 4,400 PSNI officers together with some 3,600 who have been drafted in from England.

“These ridiculous claims that there’s some sort of childish game going on is a complete fabrication”,

whispered Robertson, from half-way up a tree in a field near Clogher.

Meanwhile 76-year old farmer Finbar Kerr from Plumbridge was stopped for allegedly speeding at over 80 miles per hour in a 1976 Massy Ferguson tractor and link box, whilst going from one field to another.

“80 miles an hour?” said a peeved Kerr. “That thing wouldn’t do 80 miles an hour if you pushed it off a cliff. Them police have nothing to do all day but sit. I have 3,000 litres of dirty diesel sitting out the back in a tank and they never so much much as looked at it. Call themselves policemen?”

We’re here to do an important job”, said DI Joseph Bruce of the Yorkshire Constabulary. “There are dangerous criminals about and it’s our job to catch them. Which, if they’re as good as hiding as the PSNI, may take some time”.

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