Cappagh, a large farming and quarrying area in the middle of Tyrone, has been heralded as an example to the entire planet after it emerged that 98% of the townland’s energy is powered by human waste due to its biomethane and general biomass initiative.
The project, which was accidentally started when schoolmaster Kenny McGrath passed wind whilst walking past a tilly lamp causing it to ignite, has saved the Irish National Grid £300’000 in under a year. Martina Mallon spearheads the Keep Cappagh Lit programme and told us it wasn’t all plain sailing:
“It took a long time for many families to synchronise their bowel and wind movements to maintain a continuous supply of power to their homes. Children and parents were under pressure to perform on the toilet when things were running low, sometimes just for a simple cup of tea.”
Leaflets were distributed to homes in the area advising on appropriate foods for spontaneous mass energy production as well as slow burners for long-term projects. Paul O’Neill, a father of 8, explained:
“We have a system going where the 4 eldest eat porridge and spuds. They maybe don’t go to the toilet too often, but when they do it’s a hefty haul and we use that for the washing machine or oven. The younger 4 eat a lot of fruit and stuff that goes right through you. We employ their waste for the continuous running of general electricity. Myself and Maura supply the biomethane by devouring beans 4-5 times a day and that looks after the heating. It gives you a fair grasp of energy conservation.”
The Irish National Grid have laid on bus tours of Cappagh for other villages, towns and cities to see how it’s done and are told not to pass judgement on the smell as it offends the natives.
Gildernew’s Building Supplies have admitted that they attempted to cut costs by using frozen trifle and jelly to build a new estate out the Monaghan Road last year. Suspicions were raised when house-owner Kieran Copney noticed his children licking the walls more often than what would be usual in South Tyrone. After further investigation, the Copneys discovered other shortcuts had been made in a desperate attempt by Gildernew’s men to save money during these times of austerity.
”Holy God. Bricks made of trifle. Have you ever heard of that before? Only in Aughnacloy. To give them their credit they seem to have made a quare job of freezing it permanently and soothing out any wobbliness. And in the summer time there was a gentle whiff of whipped cream and custard which disguised any natural wind breakage from the wife and children. But, they could have told us like. The cement seems to be made from porridge and Ready Brek too.”
Building Control have made further investigations into the affair and released some startling discoveries:
”After a thorough investigation, it appears that some of the rafters in the attics were made from solid French loaves, filled with some kind of polyfill. Many of the windows were plastic with cling-film over it to give off a sparkly kind of look. It was some job.”
Gildernew’s issued a statement today defending their choice of building materials, even going on the offensive regarding other dubious practices from rival firms.
”If those children hadn’t started licking all the walls, familes on the Monaghan Road would’ve lived in domestic bliss without knowing the truth. Now they’re expecting an interior wall to start wobbling at any moment. It’s all psychological. This sort of practice has been going on for years. I know of a B&Q out near Omagh that sold sheds made out of out-of-date tortillas. There’s a housing estate in Coalisland made from liquorice.”