A Kildress plumbing supplier this morning announced during Mass that he is thinking of not drinking at all this Tuesday. Fr Buckett, who was pontificating during the Homily at the time, had to chastise the left hand side of the church for laughing out loud at Leo McGirr’s proclamation.
Giggling was still heard during Communion with many in the congregation maintaining McGirr’s head was ‘away with it altogether’ and advised him to get professional help. Publicans and off-licence owners have also moved quickly to play down McGirr’s intentions, claiming he is ‘probably and atheist’ or even worse.
The plumbing merchant, who claims to sell the cheapest compression fittings in Ulster, is adamant he knows what he is talking about:
“People are trying to make it out that I am doting or away with the fairies. I even heard my wife say I must be ‘a devil worshipping hoor’. But surely St Patrick didn’t come to Ireland to get people to drink too much on a particular day of the year. He arrived to straighten out places like Brackaville and Newtownstewart and troublesome reptiles. I’m not touching a drop and will honour our patron saint through religious observation.”
Close friend and reality TV addict John Morgan hopes McGirr will change his mind within the next 48 hours for his own sake:
“Leo is always coming out with statements like this. I remember him saying he wasn’t going to get drunk when his eldest child was born. Or he wasn’t drinking when his youngest made her First Communion. No one takes him seriously now as on both occasions he was flat out on the bar stool for 12 hours like any normal person.”
Meanwhile, the Catholic Church have warned people not to lose the message of St Patrick completely by drinking too much but also reminded followers that although Arthur Guinness may have been a staunch Protestant, they’re all Christians together and that Guinness were great sponsors for the Annual Priests’ Convention in Maynooth.
We took a spin around the county to test the temperature on the Guinness money-spinner ‘Arthur’s Day’.
“Arthur’s Day my arse.” SANDY SAVAGE, NEWMILLS
“To be honest, every day’s an Arthur’s Day in our house. Yer man comes home full of stout after a few in Quinn’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then he goes on a charge on Sundays and Saturdays. But listen, being a parish priest ain’t easy.” MRS TONER, BALLYGAWLEY PAROCHIAL HALL
“I think it’s great we’re finally acknowledging the great joy Art McCrory brought us. Mickey’s Day just sounds like a Dublin brothel.” PADDY KAVANAGH, DUNGANNON
“Ach I wouldn’t be up-to-date on Christy Moore’s stuff. Is it any good? Hard to bate Don’t Forget Yer Shovel.” R MCSHINNY, COALISLAND
“The basterd. I left a stocking at the end of the bed last night hoping he’d have left a tin or two in the morning. Nothing”. D DEVLIN, GREENCASTLE
“I hate it. St Patrick didn’t chase the snakes out of Ireland so we could brew stout morning to night. Or, …did he?” G MCCANN, MOY
“I’m sick of these Irish stereotyping holidays. As soon as I finish my pint, I’m going to punch someone with my Shillelagh, begob”. P MURPHY, CAPPAGH SHEBEEN
“They should call tomorrow National Sewage Day. There’ll be some blockages in the morning going by the shower drinking stout in Sally’s.” J MCMAHON, OMAGH
“Ghost-oh” MOST OF ARDBOE
“Bloody hell. Christmas, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween and now this. All holidays invented by the Stormont government boys to fleece us all.” F LOGAN, STEWARTSTOWN