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Kildress Man ‘Mightn’t Bother Drinking’ On St Patrick’s Day This Year
Crowds enjoy 2014 Kildress St Patrick’s day
A Kildress plumbing supplier this morning announced during Mass that he is thinking of not drinking at all this Tuesday. Fr Buckett, who was pontificating during the Homily at the time, had to chastise the left hand side of the church for laughing out loud at Leo McGirr’s proclamation.
Giggling was still heard during Communion with many in the congregation maintaining McGirr’s head was ‘away with it altogether’ and advised him to get professional help. Publicans and off-licence owners have also moved quickly to play down McGirr’s intentions, claiming he is ‘probably and atheist’ or even worse.
The plumbing merchant, who claims to sell the cheapest compression fittings in Ulster, is adamant he knows what he is talking about:
“People are trying to make it out that I am doting or away with the fairies. I even heard my wife say I must be ‘a devil worshipping hoor’. But surely St Patrick didn’t come to Ireland to get people to drink too much on a particular day of the year. He arrived to straighten out places like Brackaville and Newtownstewart and troublesome reptiles. I’m not touching a drop and will honour our patron saint through religious observation.”
Close friend and reality TV addict John Morgan hopes McGirr will change his mind within the next 48 hours for his own sake:
“Leo is always coming out with statements like this. I remember him saying he wasn’t going to get drunk when his eldest child was born. Or he wasn’t drinking when his youngest made her First Communion. No one takes him seriously now as on both occasions he was flat out on the bar stool for 12 hours like any normal person.”
Meanwhile, the Catholic Church have warned people not to lose the message of St Patrick completely by drinking too much but also reminded followers that although Arthur Guinness may have been a staunch Protestant, they’re all Christians together and that Guinness were great sponsors for the Annual Priests’ Convention in Maynooth.
Orange Order May Change Name To Lemon Or Salmon Order In Re-Branding Initiative
Artist’s impression of Lemon Parade in 2020
In a brave move to symbolise changed times in Ireland, an Orange Order branch in Tyrone have tabled a motion to completely re-brand the fraternal organisation by changing its name to a ‘more modern colour’ in order to attract a younger audience as well as creating a fresh start with non-protestant neighbours.
Strabane True Blues LOL 90 forwarded the idea after all branches were sent a questionnaire asking how they thought the Loyal Orange Institution could embrace the 21st century in a positive manner and turn the 12th of July commemorations into something more family friendly like Christmas.
The Chief Grand Master of the West Tyrone branch, Lord Marrow, reckoned a complete re-branding is the only way to throw off the shackles of centuries-old negative perceptions and encourage a new representation of the brotherhood:
“Orange isn’t really an attractive colour any more. You rarely find people wearing orange clothes or driving orange vehicles. Whereas the bitter lemon stimulates ideas of freshness and cleanliness – restaurants often give you lemon to wash off juices and sauces. Salmon is also another colour we’re looking into. You picture salmon leaping into the air and grabbing the future by the scruff. We’re really excited that our idea is top of the agenda.”
Lord Marrow also motioned the need for more women in the parades, dressed to attract a youthful male membership:
“If you ever watch the St Patrick’s Day parades you’ll see many young buxom women, slightly tipsy and in green, cavorting on floats and in parades and it’s a real pull for the viewer. We need to look at our marches and maybe spice it up a bit with plunging necklines etc. I know the older members will frown on this but we must move with the times.”
Orange Order Assistant Director of Services Harold Pringles admitted it will be hard to get the above motions passed:
“To call us the Lemon Order will cost millions in terms of merchandise recalls but it might just be worth it. The proposal to inject younger women into the parades won’t pass but maybe we can provide cosmetic help to our current female sisterhood members.”
A vote on the new name will take place in Limavady next week.
Meanwhile, the Royal Black Institution have admitted they are following this motion will interest and are open to changing their name to lime, puce or burgundy.
Tyrone Tribulations 