Derryfubble, an undefined place somewhere near Benburb, have announced the commencement of violent protest against nearly every media outlet, including Tyrone Tribulations, until they start mentioning more news about the general Derryfubble area – starting from December 1st.
Carefully choosing the run up to Christmas for maximum disruption, the Derryfubble Militia revealed they have stockpiled an arsenal of weapons including ‘thick French bangers that’ll bang so hard your ears will be ringing for hours’ as well as hockey sticks and rotten vegetables.
Derryfubble, which is a sort of a townland but not quite, comes from the Irish Doire Fubble which suggests a family by the name of Fubble from Derry were evicted from their home, probably in the 1800s for rustling or in-breeding, and settled in a field on the outskirts of the more bustling Benburb. The only remaining Fubble in the phone-book resides in Limavady but he refused to answer our questions and threatened to shoot us if we mentioned that place again, his face twitching a lot.
Spokesman for the Derryfubble Militia added:
“We’re sick and tired of the media’s discrimination towards Derryfubble. Just last week a badger was run over on the Derryfubble Road and not a bit of it was reported on any news outlet. We scoured BBC, UTV, local papers and even Sky News and Al Jazeera. It’s like we’re the dirty secret of Tyrone. Sure we’re not even a category on your website. Well, one-by-one we’ll be hitting various outlets with the bangers and stuff until we see fair play. We exist!”
Benburb proprietor Johnny Jordan admitted he was at a loss as to who was in the Derryfubble Militia:
“I’ve lived here for 65 years and have driven up and down the Derryfubble Road every day but not once have I arrived in a place called Derryfubble. I haven’t a buckin clue where it actually is or who lives in it. They have an accordian band but even the players say they’re not Derryfubblians. It’s odd this altogether.”
In order to keep our part of the bargain, Tyrone Tribulations agreed to publish a poem that includes Derryfubble in it, by Paul Jennings:
Ballymackleduff, Derryfubble, Benburb – Address of subscriber in Northern Ireland Telephone Directory
I packed me bag and set me face towards Ballymackleduff;
White houses nestle there, all far from toil an’ trouble
(0 the lough an’ the sea birds, an’ sweet Derryfubble!).
I thought me heart would melt for joy, an’ nothin’ might disturb
The peace that I’d be findin’ in beautiful Benburb.
O, the friends of me youth was there to make me comin’ merry,
First I drank with Mick the Tanner just a mile from Fubblederry
An’ Roaring Pat was waitin’ in the bar at Mackleben.
‘Begod,’ says he, ‘have one with me’; three jolly Irish men
With all the pints o’ porter, the gossip an’ the cackle.
’Twas dancin’ in the road we was that goes to Berrymackle.
Then up spake Mick the Tanner that was born in Fubblemack:
‘The boys at Ballyfubble will be glad to see ye back –
Let’s be goin’ to O’Reilly’s, where the Fiddler of Benbally
An’ the Fubblederry Fluter is in his Dancin’ Palais
An’ the girls from Ferrymackle an’ from Bubblefurbyduff
Is doin’ all the jiggin’ an’ the rock-an’-rollin’ stuff.’
Ah, hadn’t we the time at all at Glubbymacklederry
With all the folk from Grabble an’ from Ballygubble ferry
An’ the lasses from Dubmackle, an’ the rantin’ Burble men,
An’ wilder came the music from the Fubblederry Flute
An’ Mick was drinking Guinness from the Widow Leary’s boot
There was laughter in the lamplight and kissin’ by the stars,
Ah, Ballymackleduff! Why did I stay away so long?
In a brave move to symbolise changed times in Ireland, an Orange Order branch in Tyrone have tabled a motion to completely re-brand the fraternal organisation by changing its name to a ‘more modern colour’ in order to attract a younger audience as well as creating a fresh start with non-protestant neighbours.
Strabane True Blues LOL 90 forwarded the idea after all branches were sent a questionnaire asking how they thought the Loyal Orange Institution could embrace the 21st century in a positive manner and turn the 12th of July commemorations into something more family friendly like Christmas.
The Chief Grand Master of the West Tyrone branch, Lord Marrow, reckoned a complete re-branding is the only way to throw off the shackles of centuries-old negative perceptions and encourage a new representation of the brotherhood:
“Orange isn’t really an attractive colour any more. You rarely find people wearing orange clothes or driving orange vehicles. Whereas the bitter lemon stimulates ideas of freshness and cleanliness – restaurants often give you lemon to wash off juices and sauces. Salmon is also another colour we’re looking into. You picture salmon leaping into the air and grabbing the future by the scruff. We’re really excited that our idea is top of the agenda.”
Lord Marrow also motioned the need for more women in the parades, dressed to attract a youthful male membership:
“If you ever watch the St Patrick’s Day parades you’ll see many young buxom women, slightly tipsy and in green, cavorting on floats and in parades and it’s a real pull for the viewer. We need to look at our marches and maybe spice it up a bit with plunging necklines etc. I know the older members will frown on this but we must move with the times.”
Orange Order Assistant Director of Services Harold Pringles admitted it will be hard to get the above motions passed:
“To call us the Lemon Order will cost millions in terms of merchandise recalls but it might just be worth it. The proposal to inject younger women into the parades won’t pass but maybe we can provide cosmetic help to our current female sisterhood members.”
A vote on the new name will take place in Limavady next week.
Meanwhile, the Royal Black Institution have admitted they are following this motion will interest and are open to changing their name to lime, puce or burgundy.