A cow from Ardboe has been described as ‘nearly bigger than the Pope’ after it emerged that it has cured over seventy cases of premature baldness in the surrounding area by licking the offender’s head.
Jessie, whose father (Patsy the Bull) once ran non-stop to Keady in 2006 to mingle with a new breed of American cattle, is already the subject of three new songs penned by Malachi Cush, Andrea Begley and one of the members of Tiberius’ Minnows.
The Vatican, despite pleas to the contrary, have refused to beatify the cow due to the fact that it hasn’t really done anything religious and isn’t dead yet. Locals have accused the Pope of being jealous and even downright miserable.
The cow’s owner, Mickey McGuigan, added:
“The Church are looking bad here. Fair enough, beatification usually comes after death and a state of bliss but if they can bend the rules about eating meat on Fridays and priests having wemen, then they can beatify Jessie. Reeks of sheer spite to me.”
Jessie is said to cure men in their early 20s of premature baldness by licking their forehead, leaving a rigid cow’s lick for up to three years in some cases. Local ex-footballer Tommy McGuigan is said to have received three licks from Jessie over a 5-year period, preventing baldness despite early signs of receding hairlines at the age of 23.
Malachi Cush’s ‘Lick My Head Jessie Ye Heifer Ye‘ is to be released this weekend in all good shops as well as on mobile devices and tablets. A live version will be sung beside the Ardboe High Cross on Sunday after Mass, dueted by Dana.
A Cappagh woman took matters into her own hands when she faced accusations of being ‘genteel’ and ‘ladylike’ from some of her friends.
38-year old Dervla McComish, a tractor mechanic from Cappagh, was accused of ‘behaving like a lady’, when she was spotted sticking her small finger up as she was drinking a pint of Carlsberg Super Strength in Tally’s Bar in Galbally on Friday night.
“I was affronted”, growled McComish. “I’ve not been that offended since my sister accused me of being ‘a bit feminine’ in 2006. Jaysus, I nearly bit her head off. Probably would have done if I had any teeth left. Can’t go around with a reputation like that”.
“Aw, they’re taking the haun out of her”, said brother-in-law Gary McCaffrey. “The last thing big Dervla is is ladylike. How anyone could look her in the eye and say something like that would be impossible. Partly because she’s got a lazy eye. Hard to know which one to look at”.
McComish was also accused of eating with her mouth closed, saying ‘please’ when ordering drinks at the bar, and trying to stifle her own farts.
McComish decided to prove her lack of womanliness by climbing into a neighbouring field and punching an unsuspecting cow in the middle of its face.
“You should have seen the poor thing”, said onlooker Mattie Cullen. “Went down like a sack of spuds. And the rest of the herd didn’t fancy their chances either going by all the dung in the field. Honestly, you don’t want to bump into Dervla McComish on a dark night. Come to think of it, you don’t want to bump into her in broad daylight either”.
On the way back into the pub McComish sought to dispel any remaining doubt as to her lack of femininity by head butting a skip.
McComish last wore a dress for the Ulster Young Mechanics Dinner in 1996, when she was described as looking ‘like Hugo in drag’, a comment that she was secretly pleased about as she had always had a thing for ‘cuddly wee singing men’.
The theft of a child’s scrambler from a field in Brocagh will create unprecedented scenes in Dungannon court as a cow is to stand witness in a last attempt by the vehicle’s owner to nail the burglar. After fourteen days of stalemate, the prosecution is to wheel in a 4 year old Charolais cow tomorrow who may have been a witness to the theft of the 50cc scrambler, given to young Paddy McGroarty at Christmas. Paddy’s father, Johnny, explains:
“We’ve spent a fortune trying to get the man who stole my lad’s scrambler. We were about to give up as he had every alibi in the book. It wasn’t until I thought of Maggie the Charolais. She was definitely in the field when it was stolen. I reckon that if we line up three men as suspects, she’ll react when she sees the thief. That’s what I’m hoping anyway. I’n not sure what she’ll do – maybe moo or nod her head. She’s a smart cookie.”
In order to impress the judges, McGroarty has had a special suit fitted for the cow so that she’ll not look odd in the court room.
“These cases are sometimes judged on the smallest of details. We want Maggie to look respectable and the type of cow you could trust. The only thing I’m worried about is her toilet habits. Like, if I went up to give evidence and then crapped on the floor, I’d not be taken seriously. I’m not sure how I’ll deal with that issue. Maybe plug her up for a couple of hours. I’ll need to think about this.”
The defendant, Leo Corr from Lisnastraine, called the latest move ‘deadly stupid’ as he maintains he was wearing sunglasses when he stole the scrambler and that’s there’s no way Maggie will remember him.