Aghaloo Man Suffers From Acute ‘Tea And Sandwiches From Boot’ Addiction
Aghaloo native Enda “Micko” MacNish was admitted into an as yet unnamed Sixmilecross Mental rehabilitation and Reprogramming Centre (138 Main Street, Sixmilecross) to treat a newly diagnosed condition that threatens to decimate Tyrone’s travelling support for centuries to come.
According to eyewitnesses, Enda has taken to drinking tea and eating piles of sandwiches, and the driest buns ever consumed, up to 39 times daily from the boot of his car.
Enda’s condition, named ‘taeinbooticitis’ by Queen’s University boffins, appears to have rapidly worsened during the last three Championships as he avidly followed Tyrone at all levels. His distraught wife, Edna, revealed how Enda went from
“…..doing what we all do – eating 16 or 17 rounds of egg and onion sandwiches and drinking 13 or 14 cups of tea during the course of a normal 17 hour round trip from Aghaloo to Clones to stealing up to 1000 eggs at a time in the days leading up to Tyrone games from his Uncle’s egg farm to fill around 35 loaves worth of sandwiches and installing a 90 litre tea boiler into the back of his family’s Citroen Picasso”.
The condition appears to have taken over Enda’s life to the point where last sunday he couldn’t even sit through his family’s annual trip to Mahon’s Hotel “for that there carvery” (previously the unmatched highlight of Enda and family’s entire year) without sneaking out to the car to swill back pints of black tae and devouring sandwiches and Paris Buns that would shatter a normal man’s molars.
Enda’s wife hopes that in highlighting this condition, other families won’t be torn apart as hers has. Edna made this passionate statement last night on Q 101:
“I know there are plenty of other men and even some weeman and young’uns out there suffering from this same illness. Don’t suffer in silence. If we’d acted sooner we might have been able to save Enda. If you start noticing eggs going missing or if someone in your family starts planting onions all over your land and stock piling white bread in the days before a game or is spending hours on the internet searching for industrial sized tea boilers, don’t hesitate. Do something…look for help and most of all NEVER lend a hand and start buttering bread of shelling eggs…the only solution is to face the hard, cold truth and get that person the treatment they need.”
Enda is currently unavailable for comment.
Mahon’s Hotel is currently offering an egg and onion free ‘Carvery-Cure’ lunchtime-deal to those families who can prove they are affected by this disorder.
Mass Stampede In Beragh As Locals Misread Tombola Poster
The Sixmilecross Christian Society (SCS) have refused to apologise to 4000 Beragh residents who were spotted ‘running like mad’ towards Omagh after someone misread the SCS Tombola poster, thinking Ebola had finally arrived at the west Tyrone village.
The Tombola night, which this year was in aid of a proposed donkey sanctuary in Loughmacrory, was a resounding disaster as only nine punters turned up, winning on average 13 prizes each and generating only £23 for the project.
Meanwhile, Omagh Council have set about dismantling the makeshift aluminium buildings used to house the Beragh contingent over the weekend before the error was discovered. Beragh joiner, Candy McClean, told us:
“I was never so afeared. When word got about that Sixmilecross had caught the Ebola we just ran like hounds towards Omagh. It took a few hours of negotiations before they let us stay and I understand that. There’d be a few boys around Beragh who’d look a bit virusy even on a Sunday.”
It wasn’t until someone produced the Tyrone Democrat and spotted the Tombola advertisement for Sixmilecross that the penny finally dropped.
The Tyrone Health Organisation are to issue leaflets to all houses in the county, warning residents of evacuation procedures if the virus does hit Sixmilecross or anywhere else. Their 4-point plan is as follows:
- Don’t run like mad down the road. Head calmly for Derry or Armagh, preferably by foot or scooter/skateboard/flicker/roller-skates.
- Don’t be telling the Armagh or Derry ones why you have arrived for fear of retaliation.
- Bring sandwiches and tea for the journey. Jam sandwiches are not advised as they can attract flies.
- Keep spirits up by singing happy songs about emigration.
The THO also reminded people that there are no grants for Ebola-prevention house extensions.
Fivemiletown To Be Renamed ‘Eightkilometretown’ Under New EU Legislation
New rules introduced by the EU via Stormont will see the village of Fivemiletown in Tyrone renamed Eightkilometretown from next Monday.
Council workers were today hard at work changing signage in and around the town to ensure that the Ulster councils do not fall foul of a new
EU directive designed to ensure consistency and transparency across European members, which includes the standardisation from imperial measures to metric.
Fivemiletown is not the only location in Tyrone affected. Sixmilecross village today similarly becomes Ninekilometrecross, whilst one of the county’s best-known visitor attractions, the Beaghmore Stone Circles, a site of significant archaeological interest, becomes the Beaghmore Kilo Circles. Retail outlets are also affected, with Poundland in Dungannon’s Scotch Street changing to Gramland from next week.
Other plans which may be introduced over the next twelve months include driving on the right hand side of the road, horsemeat being sold throughout the county, again, and compulsory three-hour siestas on any day the sun comes out.
Local Tyrone councillor Enda McMann confirmed the changes:
“It makes sense. Sort of. If we’re trying to encourage Johnny Foreigner to come and visit the county we don’t want him all confused with the inches and the miles and driving on the wrong side of the road and suchlike. We want him thinking it’s just an extension of his own country. That’s why this time next year places like Cappagh and Galbally will have pavement cafes, street artists, and a branch of Harrods. A bit like Donaghmore really”.
“Imagine walking through Greencastle up to your arse in Michelin-starred restaurants. That’s what it’ll be like. And the Garvaghey complex will probably get bulldozed and turned into a big marina with million pound yachts and pedalo boats and things. Yep, we’re going the whole nine yards. Sorry, metres”.
As part of the re-naming programme, all possible racial references will be removed to ensure that no-one can take the slightest offence, with plans already under way for the River Blackwater to be re-named the River-Of-Non-Defined-Origin-Water from October.