Donaghmore ‘Mortified’ That It Looks Fat On Google Earth
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The Parish, looking bloated
The Parish of Donaghmore today voiced concerns that it was unhappy about how it appears in the recently updated Google Maps satellite images published by the internet giant.
“Look at me!” exclaimed the parish. “I’m enormous! I didn’t even know the photograph was getting taken. I look huge compared even to Kildress. And look at Pomeroy. It’s the same size as me but it’s deliberately covered itself with trees so that you can hardly see it. And Aghaloo deliberately went and made itself smaller or something”.
Donaghmore admitted that it has grown in size over the past 3 million years as it was so unhappy with its shape, and confessed it had eaten into parts of Killeeshil and Drumglass when no-one was looking.
“It’s not the point. If I had known in advance a photo was going to get taken, I could at least have smartened the area near Galbally or given myself a tidy up round the Bush. That might have helped. To be honest it’s just a bad photo. I never look my best in the spring. And the satellite was far too close when it took the picture. Still, at least I’m not the the size of Cappagh”, snorted Donaghmore. “It’s big enough to have its own feckin’ postcode!” before realising that all parishes do.
In a controversial move, the parish has agreed to an extreme make-over in the form of extensive quarrying around Granville which is expected to remove 3 million tonnes of rock and sand from the area, as well as having 500 hectares of forestry removed. “Oooh, I can’t wait”, said Donaghmore excitedly, “It’ll be like a new me”.
Meanwhile, the parish has since stopped talking to Carnteel which it says should have warned it the photograph was getting taken.
Posted on August 7, 2013, in Aghaloo, Bush, Cappagh, Carnteel, Donaghmore, Galbally, Granville, Kildress, Killeshil, Pomeroy and tagged forestry, Google Maps, photo, postcode, putting on weight, quarrying, shape, trees. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.
Tyrone Tribulations 
Very good blog post. I certainly love this website.
Continue the good work!
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An appaling butchery has taken place at the manse of the ‘Rev’ Brian ‘Tesco Trolley’ Cruse, the Giant Haystacks’ herds of animals devouring Church of Ireland ‘minister’ for Kildress parish. Many ancient trees; oaks, ash, chestnut you name it, planted by the British Raj who once occupied the ministers house, have now been felled in an operation rumoured to have netted the unholy and blasphemous cleric (known for his dirty, untied sneakers and his swinging a somewhat squashed and squishy sliced pan as he walks into the church to give ‘communion’) no small fortune, and the furniture makers of England an unusually rich windfall of very rare, difficult to procure old wood.
It is hard to estimate how many birds have been deprived of their nests at a time in the season when the wet weather makes it simply impossible for said critters to replace their homes and many a miserable crow will sit with dripping feathers under whatever cover is left through the long winter months. No investigation has taken place nor is it likely any will (trouser-lifting and masonic handshakes all around). The overwhelming responsise of the tree, bird, countryside and wildlife generally hating money-grubbing ‘just a wee grant’ farmers of Kildress is “Is’nt it wonderful that the minister cleaned up that dirty ground!”
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