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Cocky Ardboe Pensioner Buys Wife 50 Shades Darker Cinema Tickets And Oysters For Valentine’s Day

dakota-johnson-fifty-shades-darker-pictures-copyAn Ardboe octogenarian reportedly spent today winking at people who know him around Ardboe after it emerged he bought his 82 year old wife, originally from Ballinderry, 2 tickets to see Jamie Dornan’s latest steamy movie ‘50 Shades Darker’ as well as a bag of oysters for Valentine’s Day next week. 

John Joe Donnelly (84) admitted he is aiming to make up for last year’s gift of a pair of thigh-length leather boots and handcuffs which left the former O’Donovan Rossa player sleeping in the shed until the middle of March.

“A few of the lads in the pub said she’ll go mad for this film. Apparently it’s about a boy who is great at using baling twine around the house and wife hits him the odd slap when he starts acting the bollocks. To me it could just as well have been set in Ardboe. And she likes shellfish so the 120g of oysters will be well-received.”

Donnelly still maintains last year’s boots were a complete misunderstanding and would have proved to be fantastic footwear for dunging out the yard all year around, if she’d given them the chance and not taken the wrong meaning from the gesture.

“I can’t see how this year’s double gift could go wrong. A wholesome country tale in the pictures and a pile of molluscs. There’s no double meaning there. And the handcuffs last year were just a novelty joke thing from a cracker.”

Donnelly was later seen winking at other men in the shop and rubbing his hands with his tongue hanging out.

Tyrone Irish Language Group To Translate New 50 Shades Book Into Native Language

2045441In a bold attempt to attract new members to the Irish speaking community in Tyrone, a recently-formed organisation ‘Gaelcappagh’ have won the rights to translate the new 50 Shades novel in the series by E L James into Irish before the English language version hits the shelves in Ireland.

50 Shades of Hidings (as gaeilge), which sees the female protagonist give her male companion a few hidings during romantic courtship, has already received 700 pre-release reservations in mid-Tyrone with many middle-aged women and men rushing to attend Irish Language classes for beginners this weekend.

Gaelcappagh president Lorcan O’Fiach admits it was a risky venture:

“We had to find someone willing to translate 50 Shades of Hidings into our national tongue without getting too hot under the collar and then going home to the husband or wife and upping the courtship stakes. We found a woman McAliskey from the loughshore but that had to be abandoned after her other half complained to us that he was getting no rest at all. Luckily PP Fr Hall’s 89-year maid finished the translation and she seems alright.”

Cappagh local and general handyman Paul Molloy admitted he was spending every last free second cramming before the novel comes out in August:

“I’ve re-read my Progress in Irish book about 40 times now since the announcement last week. I even know the Irish for ‘bate it into ye big girl’ so I hope that comes up in the book or maybe the translator will put it in now because I’ve said it. Maith thú I think.”

 50 Shades of Hidings (as gaeilge) retails at £8.99 and will be available in a couple of book stores in August. The English version is due to be released in 2016.

37 Shades Of Tattyreagh Documentary A Commercial Success

funny_valentines_day_cards-4An ambitious project to capture romantic liaisons in Tattyreagh has been hailed as a masterpiece after the documentary ’37 Shades of Tattyreagh’ premiered in Omagh last night. 

Tattyreagh, a sleepy townland on the outskirts of Omagh, has long been hailed as the Tyrone equivalent of the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival, with countless tales of marital bliss from those born and bred in the area.

In the documentary, Tattyreagh women were asked to describe what a typical romantic clench with their partner would involve, with camera crews capturing the most intimate moments for the director Barry Moran.

Susie McCabe, a 48 year old wax therapist described her bedroom antics:

“At well Pat would come in to the bedroom around 11, covered in engine oil, peel off the dungarees and just say ‘brace yourself, woman‘. It never really veers off that plot-line really. And sure, it works for me. 3 minutes later I’m back to reading The Reader’s Digest and he’s rambling on about clutches and brake pads.”

Although the camera crew caught one of the embraces, their faces were fuzzed out, keeping McCabe’s identity secret.

The women of Tattyreagh were also lauded as romantically up there with the French as fly-on-the-wall cameras caught romantic moments in kitchens and bedrooms up and down the Letfern Road.

One of the most emotional moments involved John Quinn coming home from work with a bunch of 8-day old flowers from a petrol station in order to make amends after their row over a burnt black pudding the morning. With tears in her eyes, as well as in the eyes of the cinema audience, Janet Quinn leads her husband up stairs as the camera fades out. All that can be heard is Mrs Quinn softly saying:

“Lob it into me, boss”

followed by a ‘yahooo’ from her husband, earning a round of applause from last night’s cinema goers.

37 Shades of Tattyreagh can be seen across many cinemas this week in the county, rated 18.

Dick Welding Ltd Confident Of Securing Tyrone GAA Sponsorship Despite Fears

Dick, welding.

Dick, welding.

Following the news that Hunky Dorys have decided not to renew their sponsorship deal with Tyrone GAA, Eskra firm Dick Welding Limited have emerged as firm favourites to take over the sponsorship but have braced themselves for a backlash amongst players and religious groups.

The firm, which was established in 1988 by Dick McMinn, also confirmed that due to limited space on the jerseys they will have to drop the Ltd bit and simply have ‘Dick Welding’ emblazoned on the front.

A current senior player and ex-minor star from Ardboe who did not wish to be named told us:

“There’s no way I’m taking to the field in a Tyrone jersey with Dick Welding on the front of it. Imagine the slagging around Ardboe. I’d nearly transfer to Derry before wearing that. If was hard enough wearing Hunky Dory whilst getting hammered down in Kerry.”

Dick Welding Ltd have also faced opposition from church leaders despite doing the welding on altar rails throughout the county since 2001. Fr Norny from Cappagh added:

“It’s bad enough with the whole Rose of Tralee stuff and then all them music videos with women wearing nothing and shaking themselves. Dick Welding sends out all the wrong vibes to young ones, like some kind of stuff you’d find in 50 Shades of Grey or them late night channels from 901-959, although 902 and 903 seem to be a bit tamer.”

Tyrone GAA officials confirmed they are seriously considering another offer from an international company. The rumour mill suggests it is ‘After Eights’ but with Tyrone’s failure to get past the last eight this year they are concerned that other counties will poke fun at this, so they may take up Dick Welding instead.

TYRONE NEWS IN BRIEF

briefs

shengasBy Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie

Kildress baker shop to close

‘Claire’s Wee Scone Shop’ in Kildress is set to close after only 10 months in business. “I’m gutted, but I’ve run out of money” said Claire Rafferty, owner of the baker shop on the Drum Road. “I’ve been flat-out 6 days a week making cheesecakes, sponges, flapjacks and fruit scones and they’ve all shot off the shelves, but I’ve barely made a penny of profit. I’ve no idea what’s went wrong”. Kelly McNulty, Rafferty’s 28-stone shop assistant, agreed that she was “also puzzled”.

Clogher man on hold suspects his call isn’t important after all

Cathal Sheeran of Clogher, is thinking of hanging up the phone after having spent three days on hold to his bank. “I’ve now been on hold since Tuesday. I’m now unsure whether my call really is important to them. But then again, why would they keep telling me it is if it’s not?” said a bewildered Sheeran. “I might as well wait a wee while longer. To be honest, I’m only calling to thank them for sending through the offer on travel insurance”.

Dungannon Square to be re-named

 Under new EU rules, Dungannon Square is to be re-classified as ‘Dungannon Trapezoid Rhombus’. Dungannon Councillor and part-time nutter Liam O’Donoghue said, “Well, it’s not an exact square is it? Not a right angle to be seen. Go on, measure it. We’d be a laughing stock if Brussels found out we’re calling it a Square. They’d think we’re all culchies. It’s not going to happen on my watch”. Residents in the Pomeroy Diamond are reported as being nervous.

340 lb Cabragh man didn’t go to doctor to get told to ‘lose some beef big man’.

32-stone Cabragh man Sidney Clarke was reported as being furious last night after having been told he was ‘like the side of a house’ by his local doctor. “I was expecting to get some dietary advice and a few exercise pamphlets all of which I could ignore, just like last time” said Clarke. “Instead, he told me in a very direct and uncompromising manner that I had to lose weight”. Dr Kevin McElhatton said afterwards, “Jaysus. The yoke looks like something out of ‘Lord of the Rings’. All that’s missing is the spear”. Clarke however was livid. “This is a personal affront to my dignity”, he said, before waddling off and stopping to wheeze against the side of a lamp post a few yards up the road.

Tattyreagh author publishes book

In an effort to capitalise on the recent success of the best-selling book ’50 Shades of Grey’, Tattyreagh’s very own Sarah Hagan today publishes her debut novel ‘7 Shades of Shite’. On sale in Costcutter’s, it is an autobiographical tale of Hagan’s own coming to terms with her errant and frequently-drunk husband Seamus, and how she experimented with the erotic and sado-masochistic side of their physical relationship by ‘battering lumps out of him with her ironing board’.

Derrytresk Drama Group Announce ’50 Shades’ Production. Clergy Monitor.

Derrytresk 50 Shades

Derrytresk 50 Shades

The world famous Derrytresk Drama Group have shocked the local community and beyond by releasing plans to run with their interpretation of ’50 Shades Of Grey’ on stage in the clubrooms during December 2013. The controversial best-selling novel by E L James has so far been snubbed by other acting societies in the county having been dubbed too risqué and downright filthy for the county’s theatre-goers to deal with. However, new Derrytresk artistic director Johnny McGarrell from Maghery reckons the Hill is ready to embrace the darker side of romancing.

“Derrytresk has always been to the forefront when it comes to breaking down boundaries. Whiskey, coal doubles, diffing, dungarees, dirty diesel and armalites were all reportedly invented somewhere between Tamnamore and Annaghmore School, according to oul wives tales from women long dead. Why not push the boundaries when it comes to the groping and tackling females on the stage? I haven’t read the book in full but from the snippets I did set eyes on, they’ve been at that carry-on for years around here.”

Auditions for the lead role of Christian Grey have so far been fruitless with none of the 195 local hopefuls really understanding what the part entailed:

“Lads were turning up with bailer twine and saying things like ‘right ye blade ye’ or ‘would ye be into the batin at all?’ with a cudgel in hand. It’s all a bit too local. One man, a middle-aged joiner, was told to improvise a romantic scene. He stuck on ‘Lady In Red’, handed the actress a plate of potato waffles, beans and sausages and told her he’d load the dishwasher after she’s finished and for her to take it easy. We need to work on what counts as a romantic encounter around here. It’s more the accent than anything. A young footballer from here, Ronald O’Neill, looked the part and worked the women brilliantly with his winks and cheeky smile. It was when he opened his mouth that things fell apart. ‘Jaysus that’s deadly, girl, keep her lit’ just doesn’t sound right during the intimate scenes.”

The Clonoe Parish clergy have issued a statement claiming they have reservations about the explicit bits they read during a retreat last year but that they’d reserve judgement until they’d seen the first show from the front row VIP seats.

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