Budding car mechanics across the county are currently reconsidering their career options as it emerged that the National Mechanic Exam Association have removed the final module named ‘Kicking Tyres’ from the examination, despite it being rated no.1 on the ‘How You Know a Good Mechanic’ Which? Magazine survey last year.
The controversial move, which has been described as bureaucracy gone mad, comes into effect at midnight tonight in counties Armagh, Derry and Tyrone. 68-year old mechanic Patsy Muldoon from The Rock maintains he is a lucky man to be leaving the profession and pities the young aspiring car enthusiasts of today:
“I saw this coming. In 2004 they banned car mechanics from tutting and shaking their heads before diagnosing a faulty motor. It was only a matter of time before tyre kicking got the road. See these decision makers – they’re nothing but a shower of goats. I’d doubt any would know a spark plug from a crankshaft. Or even where the engine is.”
Muldoon, who claims to have serviced over 46’000 cars including a 1933 Wolseley added:
“I’ve been kicking tyres since 1949. I know plenty of customers who admitted afterwards that when I started kicking the tyres it softened the blow of my astronomical job quotes as I clearly knew what I was doing. How can anyone trust a fresh mechanic again if the young ones are being told not to kick tyres? I can see the whole business going underground with unqualified mechanics who kick tyres getting all the work and good luck to them.”
Meanwhile, a Moortown driver has been blamed for a fleet of Ford Focus cars being wrongly recalled for a strange persistent rustling noise after he realised he had been sitting on a packet of Tayto which was under his cushion since November.
The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.
The statement listed the top 5 excuses:
- (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
- (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
- (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
- (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
- (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)
PSNI spokesman Constable Trimble added:
“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”
Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:
“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”
Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.