Proposed castle

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A local man has confirmed that he is well on his way to securing significant funding for the redevelopment of the little-known Cappagh Castle on Lurgylea Road.

The news follows an article in last week’s Tyrone Times that one of Tyrone’s most important ancient sites, Tullyhogue Fort outside Cookstown, is to receive a major investment of almost £500K over the next two years.

“If them Tullyhogue boys can get a lock of pounds, then so can Cappagh”, said self-appointed spokesperson 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional grass grower from Altmore. “And we’re only asking for £100,000. You can buy a whole clatter of stuff with £100,000. There’s money to be made here. For the County, of course”,

he added hurriedly, whilst winking and rubbing his hands.

Kerrigan detailed his plans, saying,

“Cappagh Castle is fine, but it could be better. And in particular, much much bouncier. So we’re going to get planning permission to do away with all the old stones and all that ancient muck and build a huge bouncy castle. Jays, they’ll come from miles around boys”.

Asked whether a bouncy castle wouldn’t detract from what is currently a site of immense historical and cultural significant dating back to the 16th Century, Kerrigan replied,

“That’s the beauty of a bouncy castle. It’s a castle, isn’t it? We’re just replacing like for like really. And it will all be in keeping with all that ancient stuff, because I’m sure some of them medieval boys had helter skelters in the olden days too. And dodgem cars. Oh, and a Laserquest. It’s going to be quare”.

Many residents have not responded well to the news. Jack Toner, a 52 year old snake charmer from Sessiadonaghy Road, said,

“The press release said that the Castle’s a large mound next to Cappagh village, which has a depressed centre and is surrounded by trees. Depressed? How dare they, cheeky feckers. We’ve got our own recycling centre you know. And a new ‘Give Way’ road sign”, he added proudly.”

Cappagh Castle was reportedly built by Vikings who invaded Tyrone hundreds of years ago but thought the women were deadly and settled into the local lifestyle.