PSNI To Blow £14m Underspend On Easter Blow-Out Including Wolfe Tones Concert
Following news that the PSNI underspent their annual budget to the value of £14 million, insiders confirmed that a massive Easter party and parade has been commissioned by police headquarters in Dungannon with the The Wolfe Tones reportedly headlining a concert which will round off a five-day session.
Faced with either handing back the money to the government or receiving a reduced budget next year, officials in the police force have voted to blow the money on beer, chocolate and concerts in the run-up to Easter, as well as male and female dancers.
A document leaked to our office catalogues what is planned for the 5-day extravaganza which will be attended by over 4500 police officers on off-duty at various times from April 1st-April 5th.
Purchases already made includes:
- 1390 Yorkie and Smartie easter eggs (large)
- 2950 crates of Coors Lite
- 1460 crates of Bitter
- Easter Sunday concert featuring The Wolfe Tones, Moygashel Flute Band and The Portuguese Ukulele Orchestra
- 6 bouncy castles
- A £300’000 firework display of red, white, blue, green and orange colours.
- 1400 new batons
- 2400 new face shields
- 13 water canons from Mexico
- 54 new hair dryers for speed detection
£1 million has also been set aside for a 4000-strong fancy dress party to be held up on Dungannon Hill for police forces across the world with a strict 1980s dress code enforced and music provided by the Village People Tribute Band from Killyman.
A high-ranking PSNI official added:
“Them folks on the hill will see none of that £14 million – a bit like the Northern Bank money I suppose. There’ll be some sore heads on Monday morning. Any remaining money will be spent on upping the Ardoyne overtime for the lads.”
The SDLP, DUP, Sinn Fein and UUP will all sent representatives to the various functions that week to make sure the money is spent wisely.
Traffic Warden Warned To Stop Punching The Air In Victory
A traffic warden has been disciplined by Dungannon & South Tyrone Local Authority after complaints were made about inappropriate behaviour.
32-year old Fergus Devine from Clogher was given a formal warning after he was seen on YouTube giving out five parking tickets in quick succession and then insisting on passers-by doing a Mexican wave round Dungannon Square to celebrate. Complaints were also made to the Council after Devine incurred the wrath of several motorists for dispensing tickets and then singing ‘Simply The Best’ at the top of his voice whilst trying to high-five everyone, including the motorists to whom he had just given the tickets.
Devine defended his actions, saying,
“What’s wrong with taking a bit of pride in my work, eh? Those cars were parked illegally. Well, most of them were anyway, so they get a ticket. End of. No harm in a wee private moment of personal satisfaction. Maybe the fire crackers were a bit much, but still”.
Sources have revealed that Devine was cautioned last November for making loud cash register ‘kah-shing!’ noises every time he dispensed a ticket, and was warned again a month later for giving a parking ticket to Dungannon’s Christmas tree.
Irate motorist Dymphna Curran from Granville said,
“I was parked outside the library for two minutes last Wednesday and when I came back to the car that bollox was moonwalking next to it. I asked him what the craic was, and he just started doing a robot dance. Forty buckin’ quid it’s cost me. Eejit”.
The investigation also revealed that Devine has dispensed over 4,000 tickets in three years including several for seemingly trivial traffic violations, including ‘Driving with a face like a pishmire’, ‘Rubbish reverse parking’, ‘Listening to James Blunt’, and ‘Owning a crap car”. He also gave out more than twenty tickets for cars which had only stopped because the traffic lights were at red.
Standing in Thomas Street in Dungannon, a belligerent Devine said,
“Listen, if people don’t pa…”,
before breaking off mid-sentence to sprint after a Toyota Corolla which looked as if it was slowing down.
Date Set For ‘New Tyrone 2014’ Image Conference
A date has finally been agreed on for the inaugural Tyrone New Image Conference, the County Tyrone Tourism Board announced today at their Seskinore headquarters. March 31st, despite falling on Easter Sunday, was unanimously agreed after representatives from all townlands intimated they’d rather be at this congress than sitting at home eating chocolate for the risen Jesus. All members also agreed on the need for speed on this issue following twelve harrowing months of negative headlines emanating from the county from ball-grabbing, handbag-swinging and mouth-gouging to person-gobbing, diesel-laundering and a declining standards in Country and Western musicians. Chairman of the tourism committee, Lisa Horridge, set out the agenda this morning:
“First up, we need to decide whether we stick or twist. Do we embrace the negativity and turn our county into a fearless wilderness like Mexico or Dundalk, or do we start with a clean slate and clamp down on any behaviour we see as being detrimental to our reputation? We appear to be split on that stance as we speak. The Carrickmore delegation are proposing that we go full-on and get signs saying “Welcome To Hell” at various locations on the county borders. Ardboe have motioned the idea of rejecting any attempts by the government to police the county or pay taxes. Strabane wish to bring back lynching for people suspected of having liaised with outsiders and witch hunts against folk susceptible to politeness. Then you have the other side of the coin like Donaghmore. They want sanctions put in place that forbid people with ‘an odd eye in their head’ to be seen outside during daylight hours, like inbreds or something especially up near Castlecaulfield. Sion Mills want compulsory elocution lessons for farmers and labourers. There’s a lot to discuss really.”
In what promises to be a heated debate, all townlands have been asked to canvass their population to find out where they stand on the whole ‘New Image 2014’ debate. Presently, only Brocagh have revealed their preference indicating they will be taking a ‘No’ stance, instead advocating public displays of nudity and stepping up general bad manners at all times.
Augher/Clogher 2022 World Cup Bid Rejected
Residents in Augher and Clogher woke today to the disappointing news that Fifa have rejected their joint bid to host the 2022 World Cup at the first round of eliminations. The ambitious project was hoping to see off rivals Argentina, Australia and China but fell short in what Fifa described as ‘major accomodation issues’. Augher Lord Mayor Jackie McKenna, who headed the bid, announced the decision from Fifa this morning outside the Spar:
“We are bitterly disappointed. My committee put a lot of effort in to taking pictures of fields and makeshift pitches, put them all onto a PowerPoint and sent it in an email. Finding someone who could do all that computer stuff wasn’t easy. Although this is a set-back, we will regroup and perhaps target the 2024 Olympics. We will bring a major world event to Tyrone, mark my words.”
Fifa sent back a list of reasons why they couldn’t advance the Augher/Clogher bid to the next round. They included the need to seat up to 100’000 people in a stadium, house half a million more fans in the area and general lack of media facilities to cope with 188 TV stations from around the world. McKenna claims this was a smokescreen:
To be honest, that’s a load of balls. There’s talk of a new Subway being built in Fivemiletown. We have this Spar, a Post Office and a few pubs. What more do these foreigners want? We got promises from a couple of local joiners that they’d build a big wooden stand and all. Also, my nephew is training to be a spark and he could have wired up a few plugs for the TV boys. As for accommodation, have they never heard of caravans? They’re prejudiced against small rural villages like ourselves. Aghayaran said they were laughed at by Fifa officials in 1970 when they tried to rival the Mexico bid.
In a show of strength, Augher is today hosting their Horn Dance which is performed by six deer-men who wear reindeer horns. The dancers follow a 10 mile course and perform the horn-dancing ritual in 12 different locations in and around the village, whilst the musician plays tunes such as “The Farmers Boy” and “Uncle Mick” on a melodeon, with accompaniment from a triangle.