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Sammy Wilson To Open A Chippy In Hell

2018-12-18_new_46612799_I1Sammy Wilson, who is famed for his love of natural outdoor pursuits, is to start early negotiations into building an underworld dynasty of chip shops which will ‘revolutionise fast food consumption in the abyss of eternal damnation’.

The food chain will provide other Brexiteers and general bad yokes with a wide range of culinary delights including Flaming Hot Pastie Baps and Devilish Cowboy Suppers (chillis instead of beans), which are obvious puns on the whole Hell thing.

Recently, Hell’s eating establishments were slated in the Irish News restaurant guide on a Saturday as being ‘bland’ and ‘lacking atmosphere and variety’, much to the annoyance of Hades and his loyal chefs.

Hades added:

“If that Wilson bollocks thinks he can come here and take over the dining aspect to the netherworld then he will get a trident up his bare arse. Him and Farage are first on the hit list. Thatcher’s hair salon may have been a success down here but the last thing we need is Wilson’s greasy hands dishing out chip butties to decent evil folk.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone have named a largely unchanged side for their trip to Roscommon.

Date Set For ‘New Tyrone 2014’ Image Conference

Possible Donegal/Tyrone border signpost.

Possible Donegal/Tyrone border signpost.

A date has finally been agreed on for the inaugural Tyrone New Image Conference, the County Tyrone Tourism Board announced today at their Seskinore headquarters. March 31st, despite falling on Easter Sunday, was unanimously agreed after representatives from all townlands intimated they’d rather be at this congress than sitting at home eating chocolate for the risen Jesus. All members also agreed on the need for speed on this issue following twelve harrowing months of negative headlines emanating from the county from ball-grabbing, handbag-swinging and mouth-gouging to person-gobbing, diesel-laundering and a declining standards in Country and Western musicians. Chairman of the tourism committee, Lisa Horridge, set out the agenda this morning:

“First up, we need to decide whether we stick or twist. Do we embrace the negativity and turn our county into a fearless wilderness like Mexico or Dundalk, or do we start with a clean slate and clamp down on any behaviour we see as being detrimental to our reputation? We appear to be split on that stance as we speak. The Carrickmore delegation are proposing that we go full-on and get signs saying “Welcome To Hell” at various locations on the county borders. Ardboe have motioned the idea of rejecting any attempts by the government to police the county or pay taxes. Strabane wish to bring back lynching for people suspected of having liaised with outsiders and witch hunts against folk susceptible to politeness. Then you have the other side of the coin like Donaghmore. They want sanctions put in place that forbid people with ‘an odd eye in their head’ to be seen outside during daylight hours, like inbreds or something especially up near Castlecaulfield. Sion Mills want compulsory elocution lessons for farmers and labourers. There’s a lot to discuss really.”

In what promises to be a heated debate, all townlands have been asked to canvass their population to find out where they stand on the whole ‘New Image 2014’ debate. Presently, only Brocagh have revealed their preference indicating they will be taking a ‘No’ stance, instead advocating public displays of nudity and stepping up general bad manners at all times.

First Reported Case Of Facebook In Loughmacrory Confirmed

Zuckerberg cracks Loughmacrory

Zuckerberg cracks Loughmacrory

Mild panic was said to be enveloping Loughmacrory this morning as the clergy confirmed that one parishioner admitted he’d opened a Facebook account just within the last month. Up until now the ‘Lough and Tattyreagh were the only townlands in Tyrone not to succumb to the social networking phenomenon yet it looks like Tattyreagh will hold that honour alone today. The identity of the user will remain anonymous for now but Fr O’Brien sounded a stark warning to the locals:

“I’ve called a special prayer meeting tonight to offer up to Himself a request for guidance and reassurance after the news I was told at confessions yesterday. I nearly put my fist right through the confessional mesh when he told me. OK, fair enough about coming clean and all but we’d put some effort into preaching against Zuckerberg and his evil business. I was convinced we’d frightened the entire Loughmacrory community into shunning the networking site with predictions of blazing fires in hell and eternal hard labour. That’s that bucked now. It’s only a matter of time before everyone is writing on each others’ walls and a whole poking session begins. The natural conclusion is a real heathen attitude that you’d see in Eskra or Cranagh with public fornication, tax obedience, racial violence, picking on gingers, cows unmilked, unwaxed women and so on the norm around these parts. This is a disastrous development. I could choke young Dorman. This is just the beginning. There’ll be all kinds of weirdoes and perverts calling here now.”

When asked about the publicising of individual confessions, Fr O’Brien just laughed and said something about them not having anything to talk about in the parish house if they kept that stuff quiet. Meanwhile, Zuckerberg is said to be ‘ecstatic beyond belief’ at having cracked the Loughmacrory market. They aim to annex Tattyreagh by the end of the year using strong-arm tactics.

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