Shamed Omagh Man Admits To Opening Easter Egg On Good Friday At 3:01pm
A 41-year old Omagh teacher admitted to opening a Yorkie Easter Egg after his wife caught him stuffing something down the side of the sofa and suspiciously chewing slowly, with chocolate marks down the side of his face.
The RE teacher, who had given up chocolate at the start of Lent apart from a lapse on St Patrick’s Day when he devoured a 6-pack of Freddos during a parade, revealed he never felt so guilty and has vowed to go the whole of tomorrow without any food passing his lips as penance:
Decky Monteith explained:
“It was an honest mistake. I thought Lent ended at 3pm on Good Friday, after a three hour deliberation in silence from midday. It wasn’t until I heard the wife shouting ‘where’d that egg go?’ in the kitchen that the horrible truth dawned on me. And I ruined the rest of it by stuffing the remainder down the sofa. It’s just a horrible mess, literally and metaphorically.”
Meanwhile, 40 parents have already contacted Monteith’s school in Omagh complaining that their children also attempted to gorge on Easter eggs after 3pm after they were told by the teacher all week it was OK to do so.
Mary McCabe, a mother of 5, described the scene in her kitchen:
“I popped into the shower around three for the bingo tonight and came down to utter carnage. Every egg was opened and the children were running around hyper with chocolate all over the walls. That bollocks Monteith has some explaining to do, and him an RE teacher.”
The Vatican have reminded people that tomorrow is also part of Lent and that anyone caught indulging in nice stuff will be frowned upon from above.
PSNI To Blow £14m Underspend On Easter Blow-Out Including Wolfe Tones Concert
Following news that the PSNI underspent their annual budget to the value of £14 million, insiders confirmed that a massive Easter party and parade has been commissioned by police headquarters in Dungannon with the The Wolfe Tones reportedly headlining a concert which will round off a five-day session.
Faced with either handing back the money to the government or receiving a reduced budget next year, officials in the police force have voted to blow the money on beer, chocolate and concerts in the run-up to Easter, as well as male and female dancers.
A document leaked to our office catalogues what is planned for the 5-day extravaganza which will be attended by over 4500 police officers on off-duty at various times from April 1st-April 5th.
Purchases already made includes:
- 1390 Yorkie and Smartie easter eggs (large)
- 2950 crates of Coors Lite
- 1460 crates of Bitter
- Easter Sunday concert featuring The Wolfe Tones, Moygashel Flute Band and The Portuguese Ukulele Orchestra
- 6 bouncy castles
- A £300’000 firework display of red, white, blue, green and orange colours.
- 1400 new batons
- 2400 new face shields
- 13 water canons from Mexico
- 54 new hair dryers for speed detection
£1 million has also been set aside for a 4000-strong fancy dress party to be held up on Dungannon Hill for police forces across the world with a strict 1980s dress code enforced and music provided by the Village People Tribute Band from Killyman.
A high-ranking PSNI official added:
“Them folks on the hill will see none of that £14 million – a bit like the Northern Bank money I suppose. There’ll be some sore heads on Monday morning. Any remaining money will be spent on upping the Ardoyne overtime for the lads.”
The SDLP, DUP, Sinn Fein and UUP will all sent representatives to the various functions that week to make sure the money is spent wisely.
Newtonstewart School Confirms School Holidays Extended All The Way To Christmas
A headmaster of a school in Newtonstewart today denied that an extension in the school summer holidays until nearly Christmas was influenced by the stress of the job.
Headmaster of St Mark’s Secondary School in Newtonstewart Colm McQuillan, confirmed that the summer break will begin today, and continue until Friday 12 December. Sitting in a darkened study with a damp facecloth over his forehead, the headmaster said,
“Personally I love my job. Can’t get enough if it. But those kids deserve a big long break. Jays, they’ve been working tara hard. They must be exhausted. Poor critters”. He continued, “They finish this week and come back on the 12th of December, in time for some carols, probably the nice gentle ones like Silent Night, or maybe just quiet reflection about the wonder of the story of Jesus, and then they’ll be off for the Christmas break. Which for 2015 will extend until Easter”.
McQuillan has faced criticism from parents for introduced some unorthodox teaching methods at the school, including morning prayers being replaced with an hour’s meditation, yoga being incorporated into PE lessons, and the syllabus for the English GCSE now including ‘The Little Book of Calm’ as compulsory reading text. He was also accused by many of being unable to cope with the stress.
“Stressful? What, this job?”, whispered McQuillan. “Don’t be daft. Never in a million years. I love my job. Well, maybe just a tiny touch stressful sometimes, you know. Just the occasional few days. Well, five actually. Monday to Friday. It’s the ringing noise in my ears, you see, I can’t get rid of the ringing noise. I get it all the time. Especially at about 9 o’clock and 4.15 every day. I wish it would stop. But I’m fine. Really, I’m fine”.
McQuillan confirmed that the change was entirely driven by ‘educational needs’ and nothing to do with his own personal circumstances.
“Oh aye, absolutely. Nothing to do with the teachers. It’s the kids, definitely the kids. Six lovely long, long months of just sitting, with no noise, in peace and quiet…”,
he said, before tailing off and staring into the middle distance.
Moy Hunter Nearly Takes Head Clean Off Easter Bunny
The head of the Moy Riflers Association (MRA), Harry Mackle, has initiated an investigation into an incident described as “an inch away from an Easter Day Massacre”.
The almost-tragic accident occurred at 3am this morning on the Benburb Road whilst members of the MRA were out hunting for bears or wolves as they do once a month. Unbeknownst to Mackle and co, Pat McKeown had at the same time donned an Easter bunny costume and was leaving a trail of chocolate eggs from his wife’s bed to a secluded spot near the Moy football field.
“I’d been planning this for weeks. It’s our 10th wedding anniversary and I was hoping she’d wake up at 4am and see the trail, follow it down the road and find me here in my Bunny costume where I’d serenade her with my bugle, probably some Nathan Carter number. It was all going to plan. Well, until three bullets whizzed past by ear.”
Mackle, who wasn’t out hunting bears that night, feels sympathy for his riflers and maintains he’d do the same in that position:
“You need to realise, we’re primed for expecting bears and wolves. We’re killing machines. Since we set up nine years ago, not a shot has been fired in anger as there doesn’t appear to be many bears left in Ireland. But, we’re always cocked and if you see this big bunny in front of you with a bugle in his hand, it’d be hard not to blow the head clean off it.”
Luckily, one of the riflers recognised McKeown’s bugle and an apology was made. All made it back for a moonlit drinking session in an illegal shebeen in the village.
Meanwhile, McKeown has reported his wife as ‘missing’.
Tyrone Man Making Millions From Diesel-Scented Perfume ‘Juice’
A Cabragh entrepreneur has struck it rich after his range of women’s perfumes have sent mens’ pulses racing across rural parts of Ireland since its release last weekend. The product, named ‘Juice’, has rocketed off the shelves in locations such as Keady, Granard, Clonmel, Westport, Lisnaskea, Crossmaglen and Trillick, clocking up 20’000 sales in under two days.
Paddy Rea, who appeared on Dragon’s Den last year but was unsuccessful in convincing millionaires to invest in his idea for a spade-come-shovel called a ‘spovel’, has already splashed out on Easter clothes and a new set of duvets for the house. The ex log-chopper also expressed a desire to expand his product worldwide and make burger-flavoured perfume in America and computer-scented cologne in Japan.
“For years I knew that women who smelt of oil and petrol sent men weak at the knees around these parts. I used to court a girl from Galbally and she’d be up to her eyeballs in fully synthetic car-lube. I had a hard time keeping her and eventually lost her to a farmer from Fintona who owned 12 acres. This is a logical next step. There are plenty of women out there wondering what the missing ingredient is when it comes to holding on to a much sought after Tyrone man. Now I have the answer.”
Rea admits he is surprised at the national appeal of his product but promises to stay true to his roots and build his factory near Dungannon:
“The women in South Armagh are drowning in this product. It’s amazing. Men can hardly work for running after women. I heard that Crossmaglen Rangers have urged their female supporters to wear ordinary perfume to games as it was distracting their players. Unfortunately more urban teams from the likes of Omagh and Cookstown are paying their women to wear it so it sends their country opponents crazy. I don’t mind either way. More dough for my office on the Dungannon Road.”
‘Juice‘ is on sale in most reputable supermarkets, starting at £19.99.
‘Santa Won’t Come’ Threat No Longer Available. Parents Bracing Themselves For The Worst.
Parents woke up on Boxing Day to a subtle shift in the balance of power between them and their offspring, with the fact having dawned on children that their parents can no longer control their behaviour with the warning of Santa not coming unless they’re good.
“It’s tara”, bemoaned Claire McCausland from Cloughfin. “I’ve been using Santy since the start of September to get my three cubs to do my bidding. It’s been grand. Plates cleared, clothes tidied away, and all in bed by 8. Now I’m hiding in the utility room fearing my own safety. This morning they all watched ‘Home Alone’ and it must’ve given them ideas. That’s why my husband’s now walking about covered in treacle out the larder and feathers out one of my best cushions. Honestly, it’s like ‘Lord Of The Flies’ out there”.
Angela Morgan, a worried mum of two from Tullyhogue, agreed.
“Our Ralph sneezed three times this morning and didn’t cover his mouth once. How am I supposed to deal with that? He’d never have got away with that a week ago. I tried telling him that the Easter Bunny won’t come but it fell on deaf ears. I’ll be scraping mucus off the sofa for months”.
7-year old Simon McCoy, a full-time child from Dregish, said,
“Easter Bunny? No-one’s going to fall for that oul’ mince. What would I be doing with Easter Eggs when it’s like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory in here. Jaysus, I’ve more chocolate than I can shake a stick at”,
he said, as he tried to climb up the living room curtains holding two fistfuls of Celebrations.
Ebenezer O’Neill, a child psychologist from Aughabrack, said,
“It’s gradually dawned on children that now that Santa’s passed out all the toys, they’ve got the upper hand. Plus they’ve got time off from school and the constant sugar rush of eating two selection boxes an hour. If you combine that lot with the ideas they get from playing ‘Grand Theft Auto’, it’s the perfect storm. No wonder the part-time PSNI have been called in”.
The PSNI confirmed that several children had already been apprehended for offences such as splashing in puddles whilst wearing only slippers, not wearing scarves when it was close to freezing, answering back, not finishing their breakfast, drawing all over the back of Grandad’s head with Magic Marker when he was asleep, and vomiting into mummy’s make-up bag.
Tyrone Children To Be Disappointed At Easter. Parents ‘Finding It Tight’.
A plethora of fathers and the odd mother let rip in Quinn’ Corner last night, intimating that thousands of Tyrone children will wake up on Easter Sunday without the chocolatey surprises they took for granted waiting on them. In what initially appeared to be a series of drunken rants, children are now fearing the worst and are stocking up on Wispas and Yorkies with the intention of melting them into a roundish shape and covering it with tinfoil, in the hope of replicating the same pleasure from tearing into one hollow chocolate egg after another before vomiting. This morning, an unrepentant Ballygawley father, Iggy Kelly, refused to back down:
“I got 900 litres of oil delivered yesterday. It was nearly a pound a litre. If them weans think I’ve the money to be going out buying a dozen KitKat eggs the size of their own heads then they’re in for a mighty surprise. It’s time to end the madness. Last year the missus bought 88 Easter eggs ‘just in case’ and us with just the three children. The floors, walls, ceiling and furniture was covered in the stuff on the Monday morning and there were 80 of the bastards still left. Listen, in my day my oul fella threw us a boiled egg and a piece of blue rope and we were ecstatic. These children today expect 20 Easter eggs minimum, eat two and tramp the rest of them into the carpet. Like, did Jesus say anything about eggs?”
The local Spar reacted to the overnight developments by reducing the price of a Malteser Egg to 50p or 99p for 2 in the hope that they can counteract the sweeping movement initiated last night. Kelly was unimpressed:
“That’s another scam. These shops think we’re stupid like. When you walk in there are a pile of things with a gigantic £1 written on it, convincing you you’re getting a bargain. I saw three women in the space of 10 seconds buy a small packet of Hula Hoops for a pound, just because of the size of the sticker. Sure they’re 60p normally. I even bought one. It’s like hypnosis. Fair enough, I might buy a few of those 99p for 2 egg offers as it’s too good to miss but I’ll be putting them straight in the bin. There’s a logic in there somewhere. We cannot afford this.”
The Donaghmore Parents’ Society released a statement this morning reminding people that there are no such money worries where they come from and that they’ll be setting up an ‘egg kitchen’ to feed disappointed children from Pomeroy, Rock and Carrickmore.
Recently Discovered New Testament Book Reveals Augher Man’s Role In The Easter Story
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A recently discovered book not included in the New Testament bible explains the role a man from Augher played in moving the stone from the tomb of Christ.
Previously known as the Q Hypothesis, the Book of Thomas was recently found by archeologists in Egypt, which unifies the gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke and explains the striking similarities between the three books, all of which share stories, phrases and even direct quotes with one another.
The transcript reveals 13 verses in Chapter 6 about a man from Ireland who was travelling close to Golgotha at the time of the entombment of Christ:
13 A man who was from the place called Augher in the Land of the Sperrins, travelled a long distance from the west. 14 His name was Eugene, and he had made a great fortune selling pallets.
15 He passed the tomb of Christ where nine men stood by the stone, looking at it. 16 He did say unto them ‘Are yous thinking about moveth thon stone?’ And they said unto him ‘Yes’. 17 And the man who was called Eugene did say back to the nine men, 18 ‘Deadly. The stone is heavy but I can help yous coup it for a lock of camels’.
19 And the ten men pushed and heaved and pushed and heaved and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but the stone did not move. 20 So the men stopped and sat and drank tea and ate wheaten and Eugene talked about the evil Clogher and after an hour stood up again. 21 Again they pushed and heaved, and they did sweat and toil, loudly shouting ‘Christ Almighty’. And lo the stone did slowly roll away.
22 The men went into the cave with Eugene and he said unto them ‘Red everything out will yiz’ but there was no sign of the Lord, 23 and the man called Eugene did say ‘This is some handlin’ brethren’. 24 Then he said unto them to go with him to a house of wine where they slaked their thirst with home spirit the man Eugene had made. 25 And there they talked in tongues and drank more spirit and lo they slowly fell to their knees and to the floor where they lay for many hours.
Eugene of Augher’s direct family are to open their family home on the Crossowen Road where people can come and look at the bed he would have slept on if he had been born 2000 years later.