Following an investigation into long-forgotten by-laws in Tyrone, researchers have announced that Ian Paisley Jnr, MP for North Antrim, is the rightful heir to the Freedom of Coalisland, a title last awarded in 1791 to President George Washington.
In addition, the ancient ruling states that a local farmer with a surname beginning with ‘O’ or ‘Mc’ must supply a donkey for Paisley to ride through the town at his own leisure on Sundays.
And in a final twist, researchers have discovered that anyone who displays any signs of disgruntlement at the award is to be tied to a lamp post in the middle of the town and stoned for three hours.
Local shopkeeper and former footballer Jackie O’Neill told us through gritted teeth:
“This is absolutely splendid news. I can think of no better sight than Paisley on a donkey sailing down the Main Street on a Sunday, maybe popping in for a Choc Pop or a packet of Hula Hoops. You’ll find no argument from me anyway. I’m fine with it,”
before smashing the cup he was drinking tea out of by squeezing it too hard.
Local farmer, Leo McCann, came forward this morning with an offer of a donkey from his extensive range of animals. McCann, who was released under the Good Friday Agreement, maintains he’d be honoured to see Paisley striding around on his ass:
“I just hope he’s OK with the fact that he’ll be on a republican ass. It’s called Rebel and has been dormant for a few years now but as I said to the wife this morning, he hasn’t gone away y’know. He’ll take the big man’s frame no bother.”
Paisley has yet to comment on the award but sources close to the DUP man claim he was delighted at the news and hopes to canter down the Lineside this weekend and pop into Landi’s for their famed sausage supper and a can of Lilt. Unfortunately, he was disappointed to hear the cinema had closed down.
To celebrate our 3 millionth view today, we are running a competition for one lucky reader to win:
a packet of beef Hula Hoops and a can of Lilt.
The question is:
If two people slowly lift each other off the ground at the same time, how long can they hover for together for before gravity kicks in and they both fall back to earth?
The answer to the nearest second wins.
A Donaghmore woman has strenuously denied being seen shopping at Lidl in Dungannon on Monday evening. Friends of 36-year old Marie McAleese reported that a woman matching her description was spotted in Dungannon on Monday evening at approximately 7.20pm, wearing dark glasses and pretending to have a limp, walking into the popular discount retailer in Market Yard.
“It’s a pack of lies”, protested McAleese. “I wouldn’t be seen dead in that place. Even if they are selling 40 metres of clingfilm for only £2.99. Jaysus, it’s nearly £4 in Asda. Anyway, I always to go Marks & Spencer for my shopping. And sometimes Tesco, but that’s only for milk and bread. And I’ve been complaining for years that Waitrose should open up a shop in Donaghmore. And Selfridges. So what would the likes of me be wanting in Lidl, buying multi-packs of Hula-Hoops at 89p for 7 packets? That’s no good to me. I don’t even like crisps. Except maybe cheese and onion. They’re okay. And the barbeque beef ones”.
A close friend of McAleese’s confided,
“Marie’s always been up herself. Too snooty for her own good. Who cares if she goes into Lidl? I heard she was in there the previous week wearing a balaclava, carrying a whole clatter of McVitie’s digestive biscuits. Enough to feed an army. That one’s got an eye for a bargain, make no mistake”.
On Monday McAleese allegedly purchased several bags of groceries, including 6 tins of Lidl’s own-brand baked beans, a ‘Fruits of the Forest’ Fresh Cream Luxury Meringue, and a big box of Midget Gems.
“Meringue? Are you having a laugh?” snorted McAleese. “I do all my own home baking. I’d never think about buying a shop-bought meringue. I’d make it at home with, you know, the flour and the milk and the yeast and suchlike. These are just stories making out that I’m some sort of cheapskate”. She went on, “I won’t have my head turned by that place, even if they are selling Carte D’Or Vanilla Ice Cream for £1.50 or £2.50 for two. And anyway, they weren’t digestives. It was Rich Tea I wasn’t buying. 99p a pack. Deadly”.
A man is expected at some point later today to devour his 42nd packet of Hula Hoop crisps following the temporary absence of his wife from the home.
Errigal man Plunkett Loughran, a part-time golf ball collector at Donaghmore Golf Club, has so far consumed a variety of flavours including ready salted, salt n vinegar, cheese n onion, and barbeque to keep the hunger at bay. The inept 32 year old’s wife Nuala departed on Thursday on a long weekend holiday tour entitled ‘In Celebration of Nathan Carter’, the Liverpool-born country crooner, together with her two sisters and three friends. She returns tomorrow.
“Jaysus, I got home Friday night after a whole lock of pints watching the football, and there was nothing in the house. Nothing. I was dyin’ with the hunger. It was that bad I ended up eating half a tube of toothpaste for my supper. I wasn’t going to make that mistake again. So Saturday morning I decided to wise up and buy a whole clatter of stuff. When I got home from Costcutters I realised that the only thing I had bought was lots of Hula Hoops. How stupid was that? What an eejit. I meant to get Quavers as well”.
Loughran said he was reluctant to go back to the shop having already felt embarrassed and ashamed at the checkout.
“The girl looked at me like I was a wean. And quite right too to be honest. If I was adult about it I would just have gone for the normal Tayto crisps. But I couldn’t help it. Have you tried them Hula Hoops? They’re class. You can put one on each of your fingers and horse the lot! Deadly”.
It was further revealed that on Saturday evening Loughran gave a loaf of garlic bread and a frozen meat pastie a boil wash followed by a medium tumble dry after having mistaken the washing machine for the oven.
“Who do think I am, Jamie Olivers or Alan Titchmarsh or somebody?” said a defensive Loughran. “I’m not some fancy chef. That’s me finished with hot food. We don’t get on. Still, the pastie was fine. Just a wee bit bubbly”.
Loughran was last seen yesterday afternoon in the bakery aisle of Centra in Errigal, trying to read the instructions on a loaf of bread.
A plethora of fathers and the odd mother let rip in Quinn’ Corner last night, intimating that thousands of Tyrone children will wake up on Easter Sunday without the chocolatey surprises they took for granted waiting on them. In what initially appeared to be a series of drunken rants, children are now fearing the worst and are stocking up on Wispas and Yorkies with the intention of melting them into a roundish shape and covering it with tinfoil, in the hope of replicating the same pleasure from tearing into one hollow chocolate egg after another before vomiting. This morning, an unrepentant Ballygawley father, Iggy Kelly, refused to back down:
“I got 900 litres of oil delivered yesterday. It was nearly a pound a litre. If them weans think I’ve the money to be going out buying a dozen KitKat eggs the size of their own heads then they’re in for a mighty surprise. It’s time to end the madness. Last year the missus bought 88 Easter eggs ‘just in case’ and us with just the three children. The floors, walls, ceiling and furniture was covered in the stuff on the Monday morning and there were 80 of the bastards still left. Listen, in my day my oul fella threw us a boiled egg and a piece of blue rope and we were ecstatic. These children today expect 20 Easter eggs minimum, eat two and tramp the rest of them into the carpet. Like, did Jesus say anything about eggs?”
The local Spar reacted to the overnight developments by reducing the price of a Malteser Egg to 50p or 99p for 2 in the hope that they can counteract the sweeping movement initiated last night. Kelly was unimpressed:
“That’s another scam. These shops think we’re stupid like. When you walk in there are a pile of things with a gigantic £1 written on it, convincing you you’re getting a bargain. I saw three women in the space of 10 seconds buy a small packet of Hula Hoops for a pound, just because of the size of the sticker. Sure they’re 60p normally. I even bought one. It’s like hypnosis. Fair enough, I might buy a few of those 99p for 2 egg offers as it’s too good to miss but I’ll be putting them straight in the bin. There’s a logic in there somewhere. We cannot afford this.”
The Donaghmore Parents’ Society released a statement this morning reminding people that there are no such money worries where they come from and that they’ll be setting up an ‘egg kitchen’ to feed disappointed children from Pomeroy, Rock and Carrickmore.
The 2013 Trillick Fun Day did not reach the expected heights the planning committee had envisaged, reflected in the general content of an essay competition the local school ran in its aftermath.The mid-February extravaganza was a new initiative by the planning committee to raise the profile of the area, after the national census figures revealed that 96% of teenagers can’t wait until they’re 18 so they can move to Tempo or somewhere like that where there are slot machines or the pictures. Local principal and committee treasurer, Master Grimes, told us that going by the essays he read it wasn’t exactly a fun day.
“It seemed to be a bit of a washout to be honest. We didn’t have much of a budget so all we could hire was a third-rate carnival company from Lusk. Alarm bell rang when they arrived with just the one lorry. Out of it they pulled 6 bales of hay, a pony, 10 hula-hoops, the game Twister, 3 skipping ropes, 2 cats, a crate of raspberry TipTop drinks, 2 old boxing gloves, eggs and spoons and a few newspapers. Having charged locals £10 in, we knew we were in a spot of bother. It started to rain heavily as well. The cats were running for cover, the pony refused to get out of the lorry when it saw the weather, the bales of hays were soaked through but at least everyone had a go on a hula-hoop and most managed a slug of the TipTop drinks. One of the pupils’ essays on Monday had a rather witty title called “A Fête Worse Than Death” but went on to describe the horrors of seeing one of the cats choking its way through the hard-boiled egg. We made £4000 though.”
Organisers say they plan to use the £4000 to pay off some of the damage caused when a few lads donned the boxing gloves and went around boxing the heads off ornaments outside houses down the Galbally Road.