A recent survey has revealed that an increasing number of women in Tyrone are expressing a liking for men with ‘moobs’ – man boobs which are caused by an excess of over-eating and drinking.
“That’s correct”, said Sean Tinkle Professor of the Research Institute of Northern Ireland. “There’s such a shortage of slim, normal-sized men that the Tyrone ladies are genetically evolving to find the big tubby fellas a turn-on. They’re becoming real chubby-chasers. Although to be fair, there’s not much chasing involved. Just a bit of waddling really”.
Asked about how he got to have moobs in the first place, 17-stone Pearce Dunn, a 23-year old candlemaker from Brocagh, said,
“Come on, do you know how much I’ve invested in this pair of beauties over the years? You don’t get a body like this by accident. I’ve spent literally thousands on beer, fast food and Pringles to get these puppies. And you know what? If you’ve got it, flaunt it”.
He went on,
“The ladies love plenty to hold on to. Some of them young cubs going about these days have no chest on them at all. Tara. And my stomach? Never mind about that. It takes a big hammer to drive a long nail, know what I mean?” he said, winking.
Many Tyrone men are proudly flaunting their moobs, with three men being cautioned for indecent exposure at the recent Dungannon Festival, but not everyone is keen to exhibit their wares.
“Actually, I find it a bit offensive”, said 19-stone Cormac Kelly from Fivemiletown. “I was at the Tesco garage getting diesel the other day and you should have seen the wemmin in the kiosk when I went to pay. I had to say to them, ‘Excuse me ladies, my eyes are up here’. Honestly, the cheek of it. It’s like I’m a piece of meat. Admittedly quite a big one”.
However, the trend looks set to continue, with Quinn’s Corner expected to hold a Mr Wet T-Shirt competition this Friday night.
After Sky Sports revealed their on-screen line-up for its coverage of this year’s Gaelic football and hurling championships, which features GAA legends Peter Canavan and Jamesie O’Connor, a top image consultant in London confirmed a Ballygawley man has booked in for a weekend session at the end of the month.
Dr Barry King, who has also looked after high profile Premier League footballers and Hollywood superstars, confirmed his client had ‘a fair bit to do’ in order to compete with other Sky Sports analysts such as Jamie Redknapp. Having Googled images of the newest member of the Sky Sports team, Dr King added:
“There’ll be a bit of nip here and tuck there. We will be reducing the size of his mouth and eyes, ironing out the head wrinkles, pinning back his ears and maybe encouraging some form of follicle growth over a period of time.”
Dr King has also referred the mysterious Ballygawley media man to a Speech and Drama specialist from Croydon in England who will attempt to smooth out any localisms and slang.
“We’ll start off with pronunciations of the counties in Ireland. There’ll be no more ‘Trone’ or ”Slaygo’. We want more ‘it’s a funny old game’, ‘take a bow my son’ and ‘unbelieveable, Brian’. Our Glencull client will also need to attract a bevy of women who will follow him about wherever he goes, screaming and fainting.”
Meanwhile, friends of Mr Canavan have expressed fears that early dummy runs of the show have seen a marked changed in his behaviour with the former All-Star reluctant to remove the TV make-up for the rest of the week, even when out for a few pints at Quinn’s.
“We’re monitoring the situation,”
added a worried best made who walked off shaking his head and muttering something about ‘England being the ruination of the man‘
The BBC have refused to confirm or deny an increasing number of rumours that the next series of Downton Abbey will be filmed in Killeeshil.
The British period drama, set in the fictional Yorkshire country estate of Downton Abbey, depicts the lives of the aristocratic Crawley family and their servants in the post-Edwardian era. However, recent cuts at the BBC mean they can no longer afford the cost of filming at Highclere Castle in Hampshire, the location used for the first three series of the programme.
An unconfirmed and exceptionally unreliable source said that Julian Fellowes, the writer of the series, had privately admitted that the series was inspired from driving through the townland of Killeeshil whilst looking for Quinn’s Corner when he was holidaying in the county in 2002.
Allegedly, the original description by Fellowes was that Downton Abbey would be based on somewhere that was “nearly as posh as some of them upper-class Killeeshil hoors but not as ruthless”, and that the description of Lord Grantham, the central character, was of ‘a big tall eejit, probably from Killeeshil, but definitely somewhere around there’.
Killeeshil residents however dismissed the descriptions of them as being ‘heartless and discriminatory’. A local landowner, who asked not to be named, stopped hunting swans on his property for a short while to respond to the rumours.
“To make us out to be all posh and out of touch is ridiculous. Killeeshil has come a long way over the years. Yes, we have servants like in the programme and whilst we do still very occasionally hit them obviously it’s only with an open palm. We’re not barbarians you know”.
Asked if he had ever watched actually the drama, the man said,
“Nearly. I was watching the news at Christmas and my wife said that Downton Abbey was on. I didn’t know where the thing was for changing the TV channel and then I remembered it was his day off, so we never got round to watching it. Listen, anyone is welcome to come and see how we live. We’re just like the ordinary folks down in the villages eating their chips and fish and champs and whatnot. Come and visit us anytime. As long as it’s before 8 o’clock. That’s when the drawbridge goes up”
A plethora of fathers and the odd mother let rip in Quinn’ Corner last night, intimating that thousands of Tyrone children will wake up on Easter Sunday without the chocolatey surprises they took for granted waiting on them. In what initially appeared to be a series of drunken rants, children are now fearing the worst and are stocking up on Wispas and Yorkies with the intention of melting them into a roundish shape and covering it with tinfoil, in the hope of replicating the same pleasure from tearing into one hollow chocolate egg after another before vomiting. This morning, an unrepentant Ballygawley father, Iggy Kelly, refused to back down:
“I got 900 litres of oil delivered yesterday. It was nearly a pound a litre. If them weans think I’ve the money to be going out buying a dozen KitKat eggs the size of their own heads then they’re in for a mighty surprise. It’s time to end the madness. Last year the missus bought 88 Easter eggs ‘just in case’ and us with just the three children. The floors, walls, ceiling and furniture was covered in the stuff on the Monday morning and there were 80 of the bastards still left. Listen, in my day my oul fella threw us a boiled egg and a piece of blue rope and we were ecstatic. These children today expect 20 Easter eggs minimum, eat two and tramp the rest of them into the carpet. Like, did Jesus say anything about eggs?”
The local Spar reacted to the overnight developments by reducing the price of a Malteser Egg to 50p or 99p for 2 in the hope that they can counteract the sweeping movement initiated last night. Kelly was unimpressed:
“That’s another scam. These shops think we’re stupid like. When you walk in there are a pile of things with a gigantic £1 written on it, convincing you you’re getting a bargain. I saw three women in the space of 10 seconds buy a small packet of Hula Hoops for a pound, just because of the size of the sticker. Sure they’re 60p normally. I even bought one. It’s like hypnosis. Fair enough, I might buy a few of those 99p for 2 egg offers as it’s too good to miss but I’ll be putting them straight in the bin. There’s a logic in there somewhere. We cannot afford this.”
The Donaghmore Parents’ Society released a statement this morning reminding people that there are no such money worries where they come from and that they’ll be setting up an ‘egg kitchen’ to feed disappointed children from Pomeroy, Rock and Carrickmore.