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Tyrone Man Making Millions From Diesel-Scented Perfume ‘Juice’

Drives Men Mad

A Cabragh entrepreneur has struck it rich after his range of women’s perfumes have sent mens’ pulses racing across rural parts of Ireland since its release last weekend. The product, named ‘Juice’, has rocketed off the shelves in locations such as Keady, Granard, Clonmel, Westport, Lisnaskea, Crossmaglen and Trillick, clocking up 20’000 sales in under two days. 

Paddy Rea, who appeared on Dragon’s Den last year but was unsuccessful in convincing millionaires to invest in his idea for a spade-come-shovel called a ‘spovel’, has already splashed out on Easter clothes and a new set of duvets for the house. The ex log-chopper also expressed a desire to expand his product worldwide and make burger-flavoured perfume in America and computer-scented cologne in Japan.

“For years I knew that women who smelt of oil and petrol sent men weak at the knees around these parts. I used to court a girl from Galbally and she’d be up to her eyeballs in fully synthetic car-lube. I had a hard time keeping her and eventually lost her to a farmer from Fintona who owned 12 acres. This is a logical next step. There are plenty of women out there wondering what the missing ingredient is when it comes to holding on to a much sought after Tyrone man. Now I have the answer.”

Rea admits he is surprised at the national appeal of his product but promises to stay true to his roots and build his factory near Dungannon:

“The women in South Armagh are drowning in this product. It’s amazing. Men can hardly work for running after women. I heard that Crossmaglen Rangers have urged their female supporters to wear ordinary perfume to games as it was distracting their players. Unfortunately more urban teams from the likes of Omagh and Cookstown are paying their women to wear it so it sends their country opponents crazy. I don’t mind either way. More dough for my office on the  Dungannon Road.”

Juice‘ is on sale in most reputable supermarkets, starting at £19.99.

New Antifreeze For Cattle Not Selling Well Says Brocagh Entrepreneur

Brocagh cattle today

A new farming product on the local market has failed to sell even one unit after its release in most East Tyrone shops over the weekend. Brocagh inventor, Seamus Davidson (44), was said to be perplexed at the lack of sales and has asked shops to give it a week before burning their stock.

The product, “Coul Cows”, is an industrial antifreeze which is put into cattle feed in order to thaw them out in winter mornings, making them more productive for hard-up farmers across the county. It can also be injected straight into their rectum. Davidson explains:

“I was thinking that if it works for cars it’ll work for cattle. I just don’t understand why it’s not selling. These scaremongering scientists are saying that the chemical additive is pure poison and will kill within seconds  but sure didn’t they say that smoking was OK years ago. People need to loosen up. The cattle will be in far better form and mooing away contently knowing they’ve digested their version of thermal underwear.”

Davidson is said to be most annoyed about the protest held outside Brocagh Stores, led by his own mother Frances Davidson:

“Our Seamus is a buck eejit. He has always treated cattle like motors. Years ago he was near arrested in Moortown for trying to insert a petrol nozzle into a cow’s backside at the fuel pumps. He’s always oiling their joints too with Gastrol GTX and bringing them into drive-thru car washes. Do not buy this product.”

Davidson has applied to appear on Dragons’ Den although animal rights activists have promised to wreck the BBC if he is given any air-time at all.

Eglish Entrepreneur’s Dragons’ Den Dejection

Self-styled madcap Eglish inventer Mattie Glackin has slammed the judges from the BBC show Dragon’s Den after being rejected by all five dragons following his sales pitch which fell on deaf ears. The show, which sees entrepreneurs attempt to secure funding from rich benefactors (dragons) for their innovative idea, saw its biggest viewing figures in Tyrone since the series began. A total of 68 people watched Mattie hit the dragons with everything he had, only to fall short of the mark in spectacular style. Earlier, Glackin gave his reaction:

“Shower a fcukers, the lot of them. How could they not be impressed, especially with my first proposal – the Spovel. The Spovel is a mixture of a spade and a shovel. You can dig holes with it as a spade and in order to shovel the soil away you press a button at the top of the shaft and hey presto – curved walls appear on either side of the spade. I showed it to the lads down the club the day before and one fella said it was class. Not these hoors. That Duncan Ballantyne boy said it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever seen. I nearly rammed the Spovel up his hole right there and then. I should have.”

Undeterred, Glackin managed to pull out two more inventions only to be faced with the same response only on a much blunter scale.

“I then showed them the Bocks. The Bock is a boot with a sock already inside it, attached. I tried it for a week beforehand and I found that I cut my getting ready time in the morning by at least 45 seconds. There was no need to be looking for socks. One of the dragons asked for security to remove me at this stage. Before they arrived up the stairs, I showed the dragons my Spork – a mixture of spoon and fork. The woman dragon told me never to darken their doors again “with that shite” she says. The tall boy at the end of the line said the Spork already exists and that I would be hearing from a solicitor. All-in-all it was a horrific experience. I was glad to be back in Eglish. I’ve already received six orders for the Bocks from local builders.”

Glackin says he remains positive about his future and aims to shatter the local impression of him as a ‘useless oul bollox’ as described by his old headmaster. He is currently working on a ‘Studgel’ – a stick and a cudgel all in one – an instrument you can use as a walking stick as well as a weapon for fighting outside discos at the weekend.

paul g moss

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