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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PART ONE: Confessions of a Red Diesel Addict

reddiesel_1

In our two-part series, one of our journalists, Aughoughilley Schniffles, has been granted an exclusive interview with a red diesel addict (RDA) from East Tyrone. The RDA put his hand over his mouth to conceal his voice, even though we were looking at him.

Readers should be warned that the following question and answer session may be distressing:

PART 1

TT: TELL US ABOUT YOUR BACKGROUND:

RDA: I don’t remember much about my birth and the first few years but it was a happy and caring household. Both of my parents came from South Armagh and, fair play to them, held dear to their customs. Hence my current plight.

TT: AND WHEN DID YOU REALISE YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM?

RDA: Well, it wasn’t until I was 21 that the thought hit me; I’d never been to a Maxol, Texaco or BP station in my life. Then I got through the driving test and found myself doing what my oul boy used to do, filling the motor up from a hose pipe from behind the shed. It just seemed natural to me. Before long, I was a fully-blown user.

TT: SO, DESCRIBE YOUR TYPICAL DAY.

RDA: I usually wake at around 6am, before the peelers get set up on most roads. I keep a wee bit of red in a coke bottle beside the bed and sniff it first thing in the morning. It even makes the radio sound louder. Then I’m out and about early enough. I’m a border area driver and do runs of cigarettes up and down from Dublin airport. I used to drive only after dark, a night shift worker of sorts, but those hours meant I was unlikely to get a woman so I went back to the dangerous daylight shift.

TT: AND FAMILY LIFE NOW?

RDA: It has affected the family badly. There are days I can’t go out of the house for fear of peelers lurching about the place, so the young lad sometimes misses GAA matches and I feel guilty. I tried to give it up and go on the clear diesel for lent, but my family shunned me and I only lasted one night. I was back on the red the next day. Presently, I have a spare oil tank full of red diesel at home for comfort’s sake.

TOMORROW: THE DARK DAYS OF DEEP ADDICTION….STALKING WILLIE FRAZER’S HOUSE…. TAMNAMORE ROUNDABOUT FLASHBACKS….AND MUCH MORE

 

 

Tyrone Man Making Millions From Diesel-Scented Perfume ‘Juice’

Drives Men Mad

A Cabragh entrepreneur has struck it rich after his range of women’s perfumes have sent mens’ pulses racing across rural parts of Ireland since its release last weekend. The product, named ‘Juice’, has rocketed off the shelves in locations such as Keady, Granard, Clonmel, Westport, Lisnaskea, Crossmaglen and Trillick, clocking up 20’000 sales in under two days. 

Paddy Rea, who appeared on Dragon’s Den last year but was unsuccessful in convincing millionaires to invest in his idea for a spade-come-shovel called a ‘spovel’, has already splashed out on Easter clothes and a new set of duvets for the house. The ex log-chopper also expressed a desire to expand his product worldwide and make burger-flavoured perfume in America and computer-scented cologne in Japan.

“For years I knew that women who smelt of oil and petrol sent men weak at the knees around these parts. I used to court a girl from Galbally and she’d be up to her eyeballs in fully synthetic car-lube. I had a hard time keeping her and eventually lost her to a farmer from Fintona who owned 12 acres. This is a logical next step. There are plenty of women out there wondering what the missing ingredient is when it comes to holding on to a much sought after Tyrone man. Now I have the answer.”

Rea admits he is surprised at the national appeal of his product but promises to stay true to his roots and build his factory near Dungannon:

“The women in South Armagh are drowning in this product. It’s amazing. Men can hardly work for running after women. I heard that Crossmaglen Rangers have urged their female supporters to wear ordinary perfume to games as it was distracting their players. Unfortunately more urban teams from the likes of Omagh and Cookstown are paying their women to wear it so it sends their country opponents crazy. I don’t mind either way. More dough for my office on the  Dungannon Road.”

Juice‘ is on sale in most reputable supermarkets, starting at £19.99.

paul g moss

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