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Illicit Diesel Merchants Ask For Furlough Funding From Stormont

imageWith social distancing measures still a constant for the foreseeable future, hundreds of South Tyrone illegal diesel merchants have signed a letter urging Stormont to apply the national furlough conditions to their line of business until things settle. 

The current lockdown directive has witnessed a marked decrease in vehicle traffic in the county, with many households simply walking to the shop or off licence to get essential provisions. The illegal diesel business is reckoned to be on its knees with many car owners still using the fuel they bought at the start of March.

Davy Quinn (55) from Coalisland was adamant that they will not become the forgotten business of this pandemic:

“Let’s be honest here. 75% of the money spent on shops in Coalisland, Brackaville and even Clonoe has the smell of diesel off it. Sometimes you come out of a shop in the town after buying corned beef and stuff and your hands smell like a lawnmower after getting the change. We exist! It’s time we got our 80% furloughing. In my case that would be roughly £3m.”

South Armagh businessmen have joined their South Tyrone and South Derry counterparts in arranging a protest online about their plight on Zoom, with their cameras turned off though.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PART TWO: Confessions of a Red Diesel Addict


In our two-part series, one of our journalists, Aughoughilley Schniffles, has been granted an exclusive interview with a red diesel addict (RDA) from East Tyrone. The RDA put his hand over his mouth to conceal his voice, even though we were looking at him.

Readers should be warned that the following question and answer session may be distressing:



RDA: Well, I was finding it hard to get a stiffer kick that I got from dodging the cops whilst on the red. But you always look for something more. It got to the stage that I was sitting outside Willie Frazer’s house at midnight, just staring at it, for the buzz. Just looking at the front door, like. But that’s the road to nowhere.


RDA: Shortly after, yes. After the Tamnamore Roundabout ordeal, I kept having mad flashbacks at night and running around and around the bed, going nee-naw nee-naw and driving the wife pure mad. I’m clean now though, but it’s a one day at a time scenario.


Honestly, yes. Nothing made me happier than seeing that wee plume of black smoke in the rear view mirror when I give her the wellie. The car loved it… making a wee purring noise. Or maybe that was because I drilled holes in the exhaust of the Corsa. Either way, it is hard not to pine for the good old days.


I have lapsed the odd time and have found myself on my knees sniffing my uncle’s exhaust when he visits on a Saturday night. I dabbled in cooking oil for a while but it wasn’t the same. I’m still clean and just do the cigarette run on the normal diesel. The family are happier and I can take the children to lamping weekends and stuff. It’s all good.


EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PART ONE: Confessions of a Red Diesel Addict


In our two-part series, one of our journalists, Aughoughilley Schniffles, has been granted an exclusive interview with a red diesel addict (RDA) from East Tyrone. The RDA put his hand over his mouth to conceal his voice, even though we were looking at him.

Readers should be warned that the following question and answer session may be distressing:



RDA: I don’t remember much about my birth and the first few years but it was a happy and caring household. Both of my parents came from South Armagh and, fair play to them, held dear to their customs. Hence my current plight.


RDA: Well, it wasn’t until I was 21 that the thought hit me; I’d never been to a Maxol, Texaco or BP station in my life. Then I got through the driving test and found myself doing what my oul boy used to do, filling the motor up from a hose pipe from behind the shed. It just seemed natural to me. Before long, I was a fully-blown user.


RDA: I usually wake at around 6am, before the peelers get set up on most roads. I keep a wee bit of red in a coke bottle beside the bed and sniff it first thing in the morning. It even makes the radio sound louder. Then I’m out and about early enough. I’m a border area driver and do runs of cigarettes up and down from Dublin airport. I used to drive only after dark, a night shift worker of sorts, but those hours meant I was unlikely to get a woman so I went back to the dangerous daylight shift.


RDA: It has affected the family badly. There are days I can’t go out of the house for fear of peelers lurching about the place, so the young lad sometimes misses GAA matches and I feel guilty. I tried to give it up and go on the clear diesel for lent, but my family shunned me and I only lasted one night. I was back on the red the next day. Presently, I have a spare oil tank full of red diesel at home for comfort’s sake.




‘Health And Safety Gone Mad’ As Tyrone Thieves Forced To Wear Hi-Viz Jackets

Tattyreagh burglar


The thieving community across the county last night said it was in crisis as the ever-increasing demands of health and safety tookits toll on the criminal fraternity.

Gang leaders claim that they are getting so many compensation claims in from gang members who have injured themselves that they have no alternative but to insist on taking adequate health and safety measures.

“It’s tara boys”, said Kieran, a crook from Fintona. “In the olden days you could steal a whole lock of cattle in a couple of hours and still be in time for last orders. Now I’m not allowed to do it unless I’ve done a two-week course in feckin’ animal husbandry. What’s that all about? It’s almost enough to force you into an honest living”.

But master-thieves were quick to point out they were merely reacting to changes in society. Bill Fagin, the head villain of a gang of thieves from ‘somewhere near the Dooish mountain’, said,

“It’s not our fault. It’s the claims culture. I’m getting demands for compensation left, right and centre. I’ve one boy who’s claiming five grand for having made him ‘allergic to the dark’, and another claiming the same amount after the eejit swallowed nearly a litre of red diesel when he was siphoning it out of a digger near Glenelly, and had to have his stomach pumped. That’s why we now give them manual handling training on how to lift a stolen plasma TV. They might hurt their backs and make a claim. Some handlin’. Literally”.

He went on,

“We can’t have them boys stumbling about in the dark on a remote farm in Killyman or somewhere when they’re trying to steal a lorry. They might bump into something and injure themselves. That’s why they need to wear the hi-viz jackets. And put up floodlighting. Or even better, come back and do it in the daylight. Safety first boys, safety first”.

But most thieves have condemned the actions as being over the top, and for compromising their chances of a clean getaway.

“We had one boy breaking in through the first floor window of a factory in Lissan last week”, confided Hugh, a swindler from Tattyreagh. “But he took so long filling out his ‘Working at Height’ form and putting up scaffolding that he got caught. Jaysus, in the good old days we just climbed up the drainpipe”.

Fully-qualified thief Declan from Plumbridge, was resigned to the changes.

“Aye, I suppose now I’m all trained up I won’t injure myself. I was breaking and entering into a big house in Donaghmore last month and although the risk assessments took over an hour to complete, at least I knew I’d be safe”,

he said, before being led back to his prison cell to complete a two-year sentence.

Fintona Plans To Invade Tattyreagh “Not An April Fools’ Joke”

Tattyreagh Resistance Army

Tattyreagh Resistance Army

1fdd506af1d416acf6beb29203f1b5a0By Gombeen

Rumours of a mass invasion involving brute force and clever propaganda have been confirmed following the leakage of a sensitive document from the offices of the Fintona War Committee last night. Tattyreagh natives have been called ‘paranoid’ and ‘mental’ in recent weeks after their pleas to the Tyrone County Conflict Resolution Board (TCCRB) regarding fears for their safety fell on deaf ears. The 10-point plan document now pushes their worst nightmares closer to reality with the TCCRB admitting it might be too late to do anything about it. Tattyreagh joiner, Leo McCabe, reckons it’s only a matter of time now:

“We knew this day would come. Those feckers in Fintona never wanted us. They see Omagh as some kind of Mecca and hate the fact that we’re closer. For years they’ve been driving through here in their big SUVs throwing their household rubbish out the windows trying to get us to move the hell out. Well, now we’ve a school, a pub and Darcy Park which is right up there with the best grounds in Ireland. We’re ready for them. We’ve mobilised a group of about 20 or so at the Halfway House and we’ll resist them with cudgels and spears.”

The 10-point plan included the following ideas:

  • mass invasion from all sides – the Leftern Road East and West as well as the Tattyreagh Road North and South.
  • Casually walking into houses and pretending to read the meter. Plant bugs and gather intelligence of daily habits.
  • Take advantage of loose immigration laws in the area and dress up as Indians or Cowboys.
  • Brainwash them into thinking Tattyreagh is actually greater Fintona and they’ll be better off. Show them gold necklaces.
  • Just change the map and paint over the townland.
  • Buy Tattyreagh.
  • Cut off their supply of illegal brew and red diesel. Inform PSNI of rogue fuel merchants in the area.
  • Ride in on horseback and lift all the women over 18 to curtail breeding.
  • Poison.
  • Nuclear option.

Fintona Lord Mayor Percy McKinless was unable to be contacted today but sources say they think it’s definitely not an April Fools’ prank.

New Red Diesel Laws Sees Rise In Tractors At Clonoe Church

Mrs Quinn (76) out for a Sunday drive

Mrs Quinn (76) out for a Sunday drive

“An effin tractor convention” were the words uttered by an irritated Fr Hannigan last week during his homily at a packed Clonoe church. HM Revenue & Custom confirmed that during extreme weather farmers can use red diesel in their tractors to help grit and clear snow from public roads, earlier in the month. In an obvious floutation of the new ruling, it has been estimated that every household in the parish now own a second hand tractor for everyday use, from going to the local shop for milk to bringing the children to carol services. Fr Hannigan’s patience finally cracked after the racket made by late-comers arriving in their New Hollands made the opening ten minutes of his service completely inaudible.

“The penny dropped when I saw Mrs McGrath and Mrs Taggart arriving at Saturday night’s mass in their own tractors. McGrath was attempting to steer a creaking 1967 Cockshut Hartparr through the front pillars. She broke the head off one of them and bulled on through the once-beautiful garden. My maid was distraught when she saw her demolished dahlia beds. Mrs Taggart was some sight. Descending from her Massey 2004, didn’t she get her frock caught somewhere in the cab, ripping the fabric from around her behind. There was some queue behind her at communion. Men who never took the bread were up like a shot for a gawk. No one will complain about the awkwardness of driving these monsters as the money saved on untaxed fuel seems to be worth the hassle. It has to stop though. The church grounds resemble a monster truck rally. And the buckin sound.”

Teachers have also complained about the carnage at hometime when over 150 tractors and snow ploughs turn up to collect the children. Police appear to be powerless to intervene as the roads are so bad around the area that even pensioners justified tramping through the shite in Davy Browns with Christmas presents balancing on the drawbars.

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