£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’
By Aughohilly Schniffles
As Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.
A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.
Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.
It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.
When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said
“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”
When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted
“…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”
There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.
Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.
China Financial Splurge Continues As Far East GAA Clubs Buy Former Tyrone Stars
Owen Mulligan, Philip Jordan, Hub Hughes and Brian McGuigan are set to become the latest big name sporting stars to make their way to the Far East as Shanghai Emmets splashed out on all four in the hope that GAA rivals soccer as the biggest athletic attraction in China.
Early reports are sketchy but rumours suggest Mulligan, whose blonde locks are revered east of India, will be able to command upwards on £500’000 a week for the Emmets – making him comparable to the wages of Messi, Ronaldo and Roger Federer in world sport.
Killeeshil’s Kevin Hughes, whose nickname ‘Hub’ translates as ‘accurate one’ in Chinese, has reportedly spent the last week learning all the dishes in his favourite Silver Chopsticks Chinese Takeaway in Dungannon in their native language. Close friend and fellow ex-Killeeshil great Michael Hagan admitted it’s a big move for the 2003 All Ireland man-of-the-match recipient:
“It’ll be hard being away from loved ones but if Hub plays about 20 league and championship games out there, he’ll come home with around £10m tax-free. He’ll be able to buy Killeeshil and maybe a bit of Cabragh too. That’s as long as he’s not dropped.”
Jordan and McGuigan are said to be already on their way to the land of the Red Dragon in order to do a few laps at Chinese altitude. Their first game is against the Guangzhou Evergrande Pearses is due to be played in three week’s time.
Former county stars Ryan Mellon and Chris Lawn have been playing in China for over twelve months already for the Beijing Guoan St Mary’s, taking them to the Intermediate title. Due to his natural leadership tendencies, Lawn is reportedly already an Emperor, the first Moortown man to be so.
Moortown Firefighters Rescue Duck From Lough Neagh
As onlookers burst into a round of spontaneous applause, ten Moortown firefighters finally rescued a duck from the Lough after a 4 hour ordeal this morning.
The duck, thought to be from the Ballyronan area, was reported to authorities at 9am this morning by a woman out walking her four Labradors on the Ardboe Road.
Eleanor Quinn identified a worried look from the duck and quickly made the 999 call before it drifted out any further.
“I knew by the look of it that it was in a spot of bother. It sort of had a frown and the quacks were of a tired nature – like as if it had been out there for hours maybe even days. I know that the Lough can eventually lead to the Atlantic Ocean and people wouldn’t have batted an eyelid to see it float down the Bann. I knew I had to act now.”
The rescue operation, which involved an old disused fishing boat and a £1 net for catching frog spawn, took over four hours to complete such was the duck’s reluctance to trust the boat full of ten uniformed local men.
“Yes the duck was stubborn. We debated shooting it with a tranquilizer dart but with the eyes of the world on us we went the humanitarian way. Fortunately the duck finally saw sense and flew back to Ballyronan.”
There will be a parade through Moortown tonight in honour of the courageous firefighters who admit this was the first bit of action they have experienced since Brian McGuigan got his head stuck in a barrel in 2006.
Tyrone GAA Golden Generation Breeding Programme Details Revealed
A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.
The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.
Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:
“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”
No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.
Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.
The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.
“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”
Richard Haass Also Fails To Resolve Ardboe Christmas Tree Dispute
Former US diplomat Richard Haass has admitted defeat for the second time in a couple of days after his efforts to resolve the Ardboe Christmas Tree dispute ended in several parties tearing the heads off each other.
The argument revolved around who will turn off the lights on Ardboe’s first ever Christmas tree. Mickey Coleman, Brian McGuigan, Barry Devlin, Adrian McGuckin, Chris Lawn, Tom McGurk, Malachi Cush, Ronan McSherry, Dennis Taylor, Kevin McAleer, Mickey Harte, Pope Francis and Billy Ray Cyrus were all named as interested parties, each putting forward viable reasons for pulling the plug out.
Haass, who admitted Ardboe was a ‘wild place’ on a par with Kosovo and Sierra Leone, was able to narrow it down to four celebs after intense negotiations:
“We managed to rule out McGuckin and Lawn as we suspected they were there to sabotage the event, being enemies in some shape or form. The cost for the Pope was astronomical. Apart from the flights, the pot holes would wreck the popemobile. No insurance around here. Harte, McAleer, McSherry, Taylor, Cush and McGurk were ruled out next during the eel-skinning demonstration.”
With Coleman, McGuigan, Devlin and Billy Ray Cyrus left, tensions were beginning to reach boiling point with accusations of bribes and counter arguments over ancestry muddying the waters.
“I thought dealing with Robinson and McGuinness was tough. These guys are stubborn. It ended up in a bare-knuckle contest between all four.”
Haass left the scene an hour into the free-for-all, admitting defeat and vowing never to return to the island again.
Ardboe Man Sees Brian McGuigan’s Face In Pint Of Guinness. Some Sceptical.
With the news that the Old Cross of Ardboe is failing to pull in the tourist numbers it managed twenty years ago, the loughshore village received a potential boost when a local taxidermist, Larry Devlin, claimed late last night to a taxi driver standing outside the Battery Bar that he saw the face of Brian McGuigan in a pint of stout he bought shortly after midnight.
Devlin, who had just sobered up before offering an interview this morning, says his only regret is that no one else was in the bar drinking at the time whilst the barman was too busy counting the money he found down the sides of the seats.
“I couldn’t believe it boyso. I was having one for the road before I headed back to face herself and intended taking my time over it. I looked down at my pint, contemplating moving into the water-filter business when I saw it as clear as day. Young McGuigan was staring back at me from the head of the pint. Ghost-oh I thought. I went to take a picture of it but fumbled my phone into the pint itself, ruining the apparition as well as the mobile. But it was definitely him. Same snout and all. I’m not sure what this means. I phoned the priest there and he says he’ll get back to me when he works out a sound economic initiative, whatever that means.”
Not everyone has bought the story it appears, especially those from the long-suffering neighbouring parish. Moortown tourism officer Malachy Coney claims it’s a ruthless attempt to keep the Moortown people ‘down’, especially after the recent worrying figures on the Old Cross.
“Cute hoors. That old cross has been raking it in for Ardboe for decades now but it was drying up. We were the poor cousins down the road. Isn’t it a bit of a coincidence for the face of Brian McGuigan to appear in a pint of stout the same day of the report? And what the hell does that mean anyway? Them boys will find a way to make money from this. Mark my words. Bastards. Always one step ahead of us. We’ll have to put our ‘Moortown Strange Sounds‘ idea on hold. There’s a man up the Aneter Road who has been hearing odd noises from his pipes upstairs and we were hoping to base a ghost tour around this. We can’t compete with something semi-religious like this.”
Brian McGuigan has yet to comment on his apparition.