A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.
The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.
Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:
“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”
No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.
Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.
The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.
“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”
The chronic fall in babies born in Loughmacrory may see the small townland wiped off the face of the map unless drastic measures are put in place to increase the birthrate, claimed a Russian scientist today.
Ivan Drago, who was passing through Loughmacrory on his way to buy a pair of jeans in Mountfield, maintains the root of the problem lays with the men who are coming home from work and just falling down on the sofa after dinner watching The One Show before nodding off, leaving the bored housewives with nothing to do but drink wine until they pass out around midnight.
“I firmly predict that, if patterns remain the same, Loughmacrory will cease to exist by 2020, possibly earlier. The men I saw were covered from head to toe in oil that has been gathering for a few days. Their weekend shower tradition needs to be binned in favour of a new 3-times-a-week wash. The women, otherwise attractive, have that wizened look from gulping bucketloads of wine a week, obviously a by-product from the frustration and boredom of seeing their men snoring and slabbering by 8pm. The males need to up their game in order to save the village. I suggest hosing the bastards down with water cannons as they head up their lanes coupled with loud speakers playing slow romantic songs throughout the day all over the place. Lady In Red or something from REO Speedwagon possibly. This can be reversed. It’s a greater threat to civilisation than the greenhouse effect.”
The Loughmacrory Village Council said they will study his findings and may look into buying a few radios so the young couples can listen to Cool Goes Quiet at night. The older ones, if still capable of reproducing, can watch old Humphrey Bogart films.