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Tyrone Man Refusing To Shower In Case Holiday Tan Fades
McGrory, earlier
A Brocagh mechanic, who has recently holidayed for a fortnight in Portugal and acquired an impressive tan, has vowed to not wash until he returns to work in case his new complexion is worn away by soap and water.
Noel McGrory (44) maintains he spent over £3000 on this tan and will not sabotage his chances of impressive female clients looking a servicing or tyres mended. His family, consisting of seven sisters and four brothers, as well as a wife and eight children, are pleading with the Ballybeg Rd man to even apply some baby-wipes to ease the unpleasant odour.
McGrory, unmovable, added:
“I didn’t sit in that Algarve sun for days with only a factor 15 on me for it to be washed away with a bit of Lifebuoy and water. I’m back to work this day next week and I’m not banjaxing the whole reason for spending that money on a holiday.”
The 21-stone former Brocagh Emmets full back has already been barred from several drinking establishments in a 10-mile radius due to his effect on other customers. Battery Bar regular John ‘Trunks’ Quinn admitted it was putting a strain on friendships:
“I completely understand McGrory’s predicament but he should have arranged to go back to work much earlier in the week. The smell is putrid and he wouldn’t be known for his general cleanliness anyway. But I can empathise. I went to Bundoran in 1988 and came back as brown as I’d ever been and the women were going mad any time I was in sight that first day. A quick bath the next morning and the whole shebang was gone.”
McGrory’s wife attempted to remind her husband that she likes him the way he normally is yet Noel equally informed her that a plain white Noel McGrory doesn’t pay the bills when it comes to women looking their spark plugs looked at.
New Clogher Range Of Emotional Whiskey Launched Today
After a series of rigorous scientific tests, Clogher Distillery have finally unveiled their new brand of whiskey with three distinctive after-effects depending on your chosen mood – crying, fighting or singing.
Distillery director Seamus Mulgrew maintains his whiskey will revolutionise pubs and clubs around the country, enabling bouncers to predict how the night will pan out:
“We’ve tested it over and over. ‘BLURT’ whiskey, if consumed with water, will have the drinker crying uncontrollably about emigration, the state of the country, dead relatives, failed romances or football defeats in their youth. ‘WARBLE’ convinces the drinker to think they’re a Grade A singer, like Tina Turner or Malachi Cush. Finally ‘SLAP’ encourages the customer to pick a fight with the next person who looks at them. With science behind us, bars can predicted whether it’s going to be a bawling or boxing match.’
SLAP whiskey was already tested out in Falls’ pub in Derrylaughan during a meeting of the Lough Neagh Anglers Association. Bar staff confirmed that a mass brawl of fishermen ensued, with rods inserted in places they wish not to describe in print. However, Clogher distillers were unhappy with the results after they found out that this was a relatively normal occurrence in the lough shore pub.
BLURT will be tasted tonight during the Ardboe Book Club monthly meeting at the Battery Bar, immediately after the 15-strong female readership discuss their book of the month – Dead Puppies In Heaven.
Finally, WARBLE has already been banned at wakes and funerals for fear of having to listen to 32 verses of songs about sons going to Amerikay and never returning.
All bottles retail at £39.99 with a shot costing £6.
Dyslexic Ardboe Man Files Law Suit Against ADOBE© For Libel
by Aughoughilley Schniffles
A 64 year old dyslexia sufferer from the sleepy hollow of Ardboe, County Tyrone, has tasked lawyers to take legal action against pdf giant Adobe©, for his misinterpretation of the wording “Adobe reader” on a billboard in the area, which he alleges reads ‘Ardboe reader’ and has been construed as a personal jibe at his poor literacy skills.
The pensioner, from Ardboe, which translates from Gaeilge as “tall cow”, says he believes that the company have been taunting him personally over his dyslexia ‘by going on about this Ardboe reader stuff‘ and could not be convinced otherwise.
Mr Rab Fee, or ‘Bra’ as he is known locally, says he understands “Not waan hate” (a term which locally describes a scant knowledge of a subject) of Adobe’s advertising campaign.
In a preliminary court hearing at Cookstown district court recently, Mr Fee stated that he believed ‘pdf’ referred to a paramilitary grouping and accused them of utilizing ‘intimidation tactics’ towards him personally, due to his dyslexia.
Fee, when pressed, has admitted that he once mistook a sign for the local lake – Lough Neagh – as ‘low knees’, referring to him being short in stature at all of 5 feet 4 inches tall, and believed it was placed there by the same individual or group of individuals.
Mr Fee also reportedly confused the sign post for the local Battery Bar as a sign for a burger van, and stood outside the closed bar for 12 hours last December.
When interviewed in depth and asked about his thoughts regarding the beauty of the locality, including questions on the Ardboe cross, he replied,
“Cross? Of course I’m cross, I’m feckin’ raging – you would be too if you thought people were talking behind your back and pushing you around…”
Tyrone Tribulations did not want to point out that this statement held a lot of truths, as he is currently in a wheelchair with mobility aid from a talkative relative.
Local Catholic clergy issued a statement on the matter, stating:
‘Away and leave the poor man alone, sure he knows no better. Why don’t you go tackle the banker or the politician? They are the real bolloxes in all of this’.
A spokesman for Adobe was unavailable for comment, however it is thought that it will not deter the company’s advertising in any way.
Tyrone GAA Club Regrets Holding AGM In Pub
Windmill cheerleaders from 1959
A recently reformed GAA club revealed they will run another AGM later in the month after a raft of ridiculous motions were passed whilst committee members drank the bar dry on the shores of Lough Neagh.
Windmill GAA, who once terrorised gaels across the county , held their first AGM in 35 years at The Battery Bar in Ardboe last Friday night, running from 9pm to 1am and then in someone’s house til 6am. It wasn’t until members woke up later on that day that they realised they would need to have a second go at the meeting.
Some of the motions passed initially but under review now are:
- Rounding up a pile of women from the local roads on match days to act as cheerleaders for home games
- Rename the club as the Windmill Corncrakes
- Announcer calls out bingo numbers after every point is scored
- Dancing nuns at half time
- Encourage chanting in crowd..eg..’youse are dead’ etc.
- Priest to throw ball in blindfolded and then has to make it off before he gets kicked
- New club crest consisting of real cannibalism
Chairman Lenny McGuigan conceded they needed to return to the drawing board:
“Yes, to be honest I can’t remember any of those motions at all. We were blind drunk on brandy ball home brew. Let that be a lesson to all clubs across the county. Keep the AGM dry. But we used to have cheerleaders y’know.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA Central County have yet to ratify Windmill’s licence due to unresolved acts of depravity dating back to 1961.
Brocagh Witch Laments Worst Halloween Ever
Brocagh Biddy
A witch from somewhere on the Ballybeg Road has pleaded with local children to up their game next year after what she claimed was ‘the worst night’s craic in decades’ around Brocagh.
The 300-year old hag, nicknamed Brocagh Biddy, blames computer games for the lack of devilment in today’s youngsters:
“That was cat. The young’uns now just dress up, ring about two doorbells and then head on home to get wired into their ipads or xboxs. Oh for the great Halloween nights of the 60s and 70s when lads would terrorise the elderly by knocking their windows or throw eggs at police cars. I remember watching a group of boys in 1981 chasing the local primary headmaster with a chainsaw through fields. How I laughed. And sure it was all a bit of fun and the master would forget about it after dishing out 6 of the best and 1000 lines on the Monday.”
The Brocagh Biddy also feels her days are numbered as she only managed to scare one victim yesterday:
“Yes, that is true. There’d be a lot of wemen down here who look a bit like me now, so no one bats an eyelid. I did manage to scare one fella outside Vivo and he dropped his eggs but I overhead him saying he thought it was his ex-wife back looking for more money. Not quite the same pleasure for me. It seems that a woman on a broom, cackling like a maniac and holding a cat, is just your run-of-the-mill Brocagh blade these days.”
Biddy confirmed that she might relocate to Ardboe were badness is alive and well on the Loughshore. A whole herd of cattle had lipstick painted on overnight whilst all the windows were removed from the Battery Bar.
UFO Sightings In Ardboe Was Just A Lamp Post Outside Battery Bar
Ardboe – 2014?
The Ardboe Toursim Board have denied they strategically placed Ardboe’s first lamp post outside a pub to heighten suspicions of a UFO hovering over the area hence boosting much needed tourist numbers. The UFO, Alien and Paranormal Research of Strange Things Ireland (UFOAPRSTI) revealed they received 980 unique phonecalls from concerned and often inebriated Ardboe residents about a strange light hovering near the Lough within the last week. With a population of 986, concerns were also raised that all but 6 people in Ardboe spend a portion of their day in the bar.
Gusty Forbes (71) still believes there’s something up there:
“They’re now saying it’s a lamp post. I don’t buy it. The Ministry of Defence are hiding something. Answer me this – how come it arrived at 9pm every night bang on time and then leave at 6am exactly? Sure if this was one of them lamp posts would it not be there all the time? Ghost-oh, it has been exciting times for the area. Exiles from Amerikay and Australia have been coming home in droves to see it.”
Sally McGuigan, a local hypnotist, also believes there’s more to this than meets the eye:
“Lamp post my arse. How come it flickers for 2-3 minutes at 8:59pm? It’s trying to make contact. We sang The Fisherman’s Lament back to it and I swear I heard it buzzing a bit. All we’re asking is why – why Ardboe? Is it the centre of the universe?”
The Ardboe Tourism Board have reiterated the fact that it’s a lamp post and have pleaded for people to go back to work:
“Holy Smokes – we erected it to stop people from stumbling over a loose slab outside the Battery. The compo was killing us. Fair enough, 46’000 believers have descended on Ardboe to see the static “UFO” this week and maybe we were a bit slow to confirm it was a lamp post but enough’s enough. 12’000 people have fallen over that slab this week.”
One local farmer has sued NASA for the mysterious disappearance of one cow. NASA say this has nothing to do with them.
Good Weather Sees Rise In Safari Animals Wandering Tyrone
Lion on bus to Omagh
The recent good spell has sparked a rise in desert mammals popping up across the county according to animal spotter Hugh Pat Bonner from Ardboe. Elephants in Eskra, gazelles in Greencastle and camels in Carrickmore have become the norm as the animals acclimatise to the balmy mid-Ulster climate. Bonner admitted that even he was surprised to see an alligator drinking out of a ditch outside the Battery bar.
“Aye, thon was a bit of a shock. What surprised me most was that the alligator just nodded at me like as if he’s been here for years. My brother said he saw a cheetah in Moortown chasing after midges. I wonder do these animals lie dormant in Ireland until we get Sahara-like weather.”
John Agnew admitted he now misses being stuck behind cattle on the road to Dungannon compared to what’s happening now:
“I was on the Killeeshil Road yesterday and was caught behind a herd of elephants heading towards Castlecaulfield. You think cow-pats are bad. These boys drop monster-sized dungs and then swipe the stuff at your windscreen with their trunks. Then from the Killyliss Road we were attacked by a shower of monkeys. I’ll never complain again about oul Cullen’s cattle.”
Carrickmore residents however have welcomed the arrival of 44 camels. Mary Kelly, a lady of the night, admitted:
“They’ve been a welcome addition to the Carmen landscape. These boys can haul 600 bales no bother and only need a spoonful of water. Also, their milk is less fattening. Women are drinking straight from the teet and are losing pounds by the day. And the humps are good oul craic too.”
However, an oranguan in Donemana is proving to be a social pest, spying on women getting ready by hanging upside down from guttering.
Ardboe Man Sees Brian McGuigan’s Face In Pint Of Guinness. Some Sceptical.
Artist’s many attempts at recreating McGuigan’s face
With the news that the Old Cross of Ardboe is failing to pull in the tourist numbers it managed twenty years ago, the loughshore village received a potential boost when a local taxidermist, Larry Devlin, claimed late last night to a taxi driver standing outside the Battery Bar that he saw the face of Brian McGuigan in a pint of stout he bought shortly after midnight.
Devlin, who had just sobered up before offering an interview this morning, says his only regret is that no one else was in the bar drinking at the time whilst the barman was too busy counting the money he found down the sides of the seats.
“I couldn’t believe it boyso. I was having one for the road before I headed back to face herself and intended taking my time over it. I looked down at my pint, contemplating moving into the water-filter business when I saw it as clear as day. Young McGuigan was staring back at me from the head of the pint. Ghost-oh I thought. I went to take a picture of it but fumbled my phone into the pint itself, ruining the apparition as well as the mobile. But it was definitely him. Same snout and all. I’m not sure what this means. I phoned the priest there and he says he’ll get back to me when he works out a sound economic initiative, whatever that means.”
Not everyone has bought the story it appears, especially those from the long-suffering neighbouring parish. Moortown tourism officer Malachy Coney claims it’s a ruthless attempt to keep the Moortown people ‘down’, especially after the recent worrying figures on the Old Cross.
“Cute hoors. That old cross has been raking it in for Ardboe for decades now but it was drying up. We were the poor cousins down the road. Isn’t it a bit of a coincidence for the face of Brian McGuigan to appear in a pint of stout the same day of the report? And what the hell does that mean anyway? Them boys will find a way to make money from this. Mark my words. Bastards. Always one step ahead of us. We’ll have to put our ‘Moortown Strange Sounds‘ idea on hold. There’s a man up the Aneter Road who has been hearing odd noises from his pipes upstairs and we were hoping to base a ghost tour around this. We can’t compete with something semi-religious like this.”
Brian McGuigan has yet to comment on his apparition.
Tyrone Tribulations 