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Archeological Find In Stewartstown Indicates High Technological Intelligence

Scientists last night were said to be dumbfounded and bedazzled at the discovery of old mobile phones at a dig in the area, dating right back to the 1960s.

Authorities were notified about possible important fossils after diggers at a new site on the town came across a pile of massive mobile phones wrapped up in toilet tissue paper. On further inspection, it appears that these mobiles pre-dated the iphone and other smart phones by at least 40 years going by some of the text messages discovered on them.

One such message dates back to the 1969 moon landing and hints at the scepticism around Stewartstown at the time:

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Professor Jack Lyons explains:

“This is quite remarkable. It appears that the residents of Stewartstown had invented messaging capabilities long before the superpowers across the globe. Going by the finds, it appears they were using BT as a service provider by hooking up one big phone to an electricity pole as a generator. “

Other examples show a timeline of life in the 80s and 90s in Stewartstown:

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Local historian Kitty Fee was coy on the finds:

“Yes I was aware we were ahead of the game at the time. But, it’s something we don’t want dug up, ok? In 1999 we took a decision to destroy all these phones after sexting became rife in the town. Men and women were sending dirty pictures to each other at all hours and the priest was going mad and said he was going to excommunicate us all. It had to stop. Now, move on.”

One of our journalists was able to leak another text to the office which throws light on the sexting debacle that threatened to destabilise the town:

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Brocagh Witch Laments Worst Halloween Ever

Brocagh Biddy

A witch from somewhere on the Ballybeg Road has pleaded with local children to up their game next year after what she claimed was ‘the worst night’s craic in decades’ around Brocagh.

The 300-year old hag, nicknamed Brocagh Biddy, blames computer games for the lack of devilment in today’s youngsters:

“That was cat. The young’uns now just dress up, ring about two doorbells and then head on home to get wired into their ipads or xboxs. Oh for the great Halloween nights of the 60s and 70s when lads would terrorise the elderly by knocking their windows or throw eggs at police cars. I remember watching a group of boys in 1981 chasing the local primary headmaster with a chainsaw through fields. How I laughed. And sure it was all a bit of fun and the master would forget about it after dishing out 6 of the best and 1000 lines on the Monday.”

The Brocagh Biddy also feels her days are numbered as she only managed to scare one victim yesterday:

“Yes, that is true. There’d be a lot of wemen down here who look a bit like me now, so no one bats an eyelid. I did manage to scare one fella outside Vivo and he dropped his eggs but I overhead him saying he thought it was his ex-wife back looking for more money. Not quite the same pleasure for me. It seems that a woman on a broom, cackling like a maniac and holding a cat, is just your run-of-the-mill Brocagh blade these days.”

Biddy confirmed that she might relocate to Ardboe were badness is alive and well on the Loughshore. A whole herd of cattle had lipstick painted on overnight whilst all the windows were removed from the Battery Bar.

paul g moss

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