After a series of rigorous scientific tests, Clogher Distillery have finally unveiled their new brand of whiskey with three distinctive after-effects depending on your chosen mood – crying, fighting or singing.
Distillery director Seamus Mulgrew maintains his whiskey will revolutionise pubs and clubs around the country, enabling bouncers to predict how the night will pan out:
“We’ve tested it over and over. ‘BLURT’ whiskey, if consumed with water, will have the drinker crying uncontrollably about emigration, the state of the country, dead relatives, failed romances or football defeats in their youth. ‘WARBLE’ convinces the drinker to think they’re a Grade A singer, like Tina Turner or Malachi Cush. Finally ‘SLAP’ encourages the customer to pick a fight with the next person who looks at them. With science behind us, bars can predicted whether it’s going to be a bawling or boxing match.’
SLAP whiskey was already tested out in Falls’ pub in Derrylaughan during a meeting of the Lough Neagh Anglers Association. Bar staff confirmed that a mass brawl of fishermen ensued, with rods inserted in places they wish not to describe in print. However, Clogher distillers were unhappy with the results after they found out that this was a relatively normal occurrence in the lough shore pub.
BLURT will be tasted tonight during the Ardboe Book Club monthly meeting at the Battery Bar, immediately after the 15-strong female readership discuss their book of the month – Dead Puppies In Heaven.
Finally, WARBLE has already been banned at wakes and funerals for fear of having to listen to 32 verses of songs about sons going to Amerikay and never returning.
All bottles retail at £39.99 with a shot costing £6.
Fears that a new meat-industry scandal may emerge before the end of the year have been played down by the family of local farmer, Gerty Cushnahan, after they claimed he rubs his hands a lot of the time, even in the Summer. Rumours of impending burger skulduggery began to circulate after a group of men standing outside Falls’ Bar discussed the rising prices of donkeys with Gerty who owns about six or seven donkey for general choirs around the yard. JohnJoe McAliskey was sure he could read what Cushnahan was thinking by analysing his body language:
“I watched a programme on Loose Women a lock of weeks ago and they were discussing the reading of gestures and body language. I can tell you 100%, when Pat Hughes said the southerners were offering big bucks for donkeys for some reason, I saw Gerty licking his lips and rubbing his hands like mad without saying anything. I knew at that point what he was thinking. He’s going to sell off the donkeys to them boys in Navan who’ll pass them on to the meat factories and before you know it, you’ll be eating Cushnahan’s asses for your dinner before long. I’ve seen how Cushnahan treats his donkeys. You’re best not knowing.”
Cushnahan’s family have moved quickly to defend Gerty and at the same time sent a warning shot to the lads standing outside Falls’ Bar.
“Listen, the oul boy is always rubbing his hands. When he’s even lining up for communion, he’d be rubbing away at his hands subconsciously even though it unnerves the women in front for him and the licking of the lips makes it worse. That’s just the way he is. He’ll never sell those donkeys. Them lads outside the bar would need to quit the gossiping and scaremongering. Our Henry is now working for the bru people and if they’re not careful there’ll be a JobSeeker’s van pulling up on the Reenaderry Road.”
Donkey meat is seen as a delicacy in Iran, Cuba and Gweedore.
Following the recent horse-meat debacle crippling Ireland’s taste buds, it has been revealed that local East Tyrone supermarkets and corner shops have withdrawn Brocagh badger-burgers from the shelves following rumours that there was possibly a taste of skunk off their produce in a few houses around Mountjoy. Despite being a staple diet in the Brocagh area since first accidentally consumed at the Washingbay Sports in 1955, the loughshore locals have intimated that they’re prepared to eat other exotic foods like spaghetti bolognese or cottage pie until they can be sure they’re eating 100% badger. One of the Mountjoy victims, Jessie Dorman, is of no doubt that the badger-burger he bought was a bit off:
“For fifty years I’ve had at least one badger-burger a day with a slap of spuds and banes. I know my badgers. It was my father who was the first man to taste the delicious badger meat after winning the wellie-throwing competition at the Washingbay Sports fifty-seven years ago. His last throw was so high it landed on a wild badger in the adjacent field, knocking its lights out. Afraid of the reaction to the murder, he ate the badger on the spot to hide the evidence only to discover its succulent quality. Within a couple of years his badger restaurant down by the Castlebay Centre was the envy of London and Paris. Stewed, grilled, baked, boiled or fried – people couldn’t get enough of it. This recent contamination is disastrous news. I’m not sure what a skunk tastes like but it definitely tasted a bit skunky.”
Despite there never having been a sighting of a wild skunk in Ireland, Dorman says there’s a good chance it escaped from Belfast Zoo and went up the M1, turning off at Tamnamore – perhaps explaining the bad smell up around Falls’ Bar. Local politician Susan McAvoy has urged locals not to panic or get tore into the drink but to try other foods like chicken or pork for a while until they have extinguished the last skunk from Brocagh or even find one.