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Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013

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ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.

URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.

KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300

DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90

MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30

DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.

OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100

BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40

KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.

BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.

GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30

AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700

ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8

CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Soaring Cost Of Fuel Sees People Try New Ways To Travel In Tyrone

McSherry headin to work

McSherry headin to work

The recent spike in petrol and diesel costs have witnessed new and mostly unsuccessful ways to travel from A to B in the county. Just last week, our cameras witnessed one man from Coalisland spend £120 filling his Datsun Sunny before pushing his motor into Roughan Lough in disgust. Jackie Carr, a 70 year old plasterer, almost made his way to do a job in Donaghmore later in the day using an inventive mode of transport:

“I’m not spending any more of my dole/work money on petrol but I’m too old to walk any distance. So I got an old ironing board and tied two hungry labradors to the front of it. I then asked my grandson to run ahead of the dogs with a couple of raw rump steaks hanging out of his back pockets whilst I sat on the ironing board. We got as far as Newmills before the dogs caught up with the lad and near ate the arse clane off him. To be honest the ironing board was in bad shape by then anyway. The sparks were annoying motorists behind. Back to the drawing board for me.”

Other unsuccessful attempts to avoid the rising cost of fuel saw a teacher from Augher jump the whole distance to Fivemiletown until exhaustion set in halfway down Clogher Main Street and a sales rep from Glenelly float in a bucket down the Glenelly River to his office in Plumbridge before being capsized by a big shoal of salmon.

The rising number of horses parked outside the Ulster Herald offices in Omagh suggests all is not lost. One journalists, nicknamed ‘McSherry’, said he’s never felt freer:

“I rent a mare from a boy in Stewartstown and it’s working out rightly. There’s no better feeling than galloping through Pomeroy and Carrickmore with the wind in yer hair and my laptop flung over me shoulder, sticking two fingers up at the motorists and their dear diesel. Picking up the manure is a bit of a handlin but sure it’s swings and roundabouts. I think it’s a horse anyway.”

Brocagh Badger-Burgers Off The Shelf. Might Contain Skunk.

Brocagh badger burger

Brocagh badger burger

Following the recent horse-meat debacle crippling Ireland’s taste buds, it has been revealed that local East Tyrone supermarkets and corner shops have withdrawn Brocagh badger-burgers from the shelves following rumours that there was possibly a taste of skunk off their produce in a few houses around Mountjoy. Despite being a staple diet in the Brocagh area since first accidentally consumed at the Washingbay Sports in 1955, the loughshore locals have intimated that they’re prepared to eat other exotic foods like spaghetti bolognese or cottage pie until they can be sure they’re eating 100% badger. One of the Mountjoy victims, Jessie Dorman, is of no doubt that the badger-burger he bought was a bit off:

“For fifty years I’ve had at least one badger-burger a day with a slap of spuds and banes. I know my badgers. It was my father who was the first man to taste the delicious badger meat after winning the wellie-throwing competition at the Washingbay Sports fifty-seven years ago. His last throw was so high it landed on a wild badger in the adjacent field, knocking its lights out. Afraid of the reaction to the murder, he ate the badger on the spot to hide the evidence only to discover its succulent quality. Within a couple of years his badger restaurant down by the Castlebay Centre was the envy of London and Paris. Stewed, grilled, baked, boiled or fried – people couldn’t get enough of it. This recent contamination is disastrous news. I’m not sure what a skunk tastes like but it definitely tasted a bit skunky.”

Despite there never having been a sighting of a wild skunk in Ireland, Dorman says there’s a good chance it escaped from Belfast Zoo and went up the M1, turning off at Tamnamore – perhaps explaining the bad smell up around Falls’ Bar. Local politician Susan McAvoy has urged locals not to panic or get tore into the drink but to try other foods like chicken or pork for a while until they have extinguished the last skunk from Brocagh or even find one.

Tyrone Classifieds – October

WANTED SECTION:

Two adult tricycles. Good breaks, not too rusty. Must be able to hold 15 stone each. Needed for romantic excursions with wife. Ardboe.

A yellow and green button for my shirt. Shirt has been very successful at Sally’s in Omagh. Tattyreagh.

Surgeon required for new surgery in Coalisland. No experience necessary. Must have own tools.

Someone to do farm work. Must have a hoolahoop. Augher.

The person I hit on the head with a tomato in Beragh in 1958. Feel guilty. Fivemiletown.

Someone to go back in time with. No time-wasters. Must bring your own weapons. Safety cannot be guaranteed. Will get paid when we get back. Only done this once before. Strabane.

Someone who can speak and write Australian. Relatives visiting in three months so want teacher asap. Brocagh.

SELLING SECTION:

Child’s potty chair. 10 years old. Slight staining. Newmills. £20

Used gravestone. Used only once. Must be called Patrick Kelly. Dungannon. £300

Soccer ball. Signed by either Pele, the greatest footballer on earth from Brazil, or some guy called Peter. Writing faint. Moortown. £100

Bagpiper. Will do wedding, funerals and children’s parties. Not the greatest piper but no one can tell. £50 per hour. Plumbridge.

Dinosaur bones. Not 100% sure but look a bit like the way I imagine they would. Found in bog in Greencastle. £50’000

Horse. Half Andalusian. Half Labrador. Very friendly. Likes bones. Drumragh. £600

One pair of hardly used dentures. Only three teeth missing. Galbally. £50

Vosene Shampoo. Only half used. Bargain at £4. Also Mach 3 razor blade. Only used twice. Mint condition. £2. Edendork.

paul g moss

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