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Strabane Man In Dog-House Over Series Of Broken Vacuum Cleaners

Vacuum Cleaner no.3

Vacuum Cleaner no.3

Strabane was today said to be in the grips of marital tension after it emerged that a local joiner had broken the 4th vacuum cleaner in the space of 12 months in his house, leaving his wife ‘pure rippin’ and ‘not remotely amused’.

John McElhinnion (47) finally admitted he has some kind of a curse over him when it comes to vacuum cleaners and has pledged to use brooms and brushes from now on if his wife, Sally, allows him back into the house. Cousin, neighbour and confidante, Cherelle McVicker, revealed Sally (64) is in no mood to see the funny side of the matter:

“She went clean mad, so she did. You could hear her roaring at him from half a mile away. I took a shoot down to see what the commotion was and managed to witness poor John being kicked up and down their driveway with the broken cleaner wrapped around his neck.”

Sally, this evening, was not in the form to find a resolution to the fall-out:

“He’s just a glipe so he is. I told him after the last one broke that I’d kill him if he broke another one, him and his big flipping shovel hands and clown feet. He tried to surprise me by hoovering the kitchen yesterday before I came home. I arrived to find the machine on fire and the hoover-head of it smashed right through the patio doors.”

John admits he has a mental block when it comes to vacuum cleaners but has finally learnt his lesson:

“That’s it now. Me and vacuum cleaners will never get on. Four in a year is some record though I still maintain if she didn’t get them knock-off ones for a score in Nutt’s Corner it’d be a fair battle between me and the machine. I’ll be sweeping for the foreseeable future.”

Meanwhile, Strabane Council have rejected claims they are to merge with Clady to form Strady.

Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013


ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.

URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.

KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300

DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90

MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30

DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.

OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100

BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40

KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.

BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.

GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30

AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700

ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8

CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

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