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Strabane Man In Dog-House Over Series Of Broken Vacuum Cleaners

Vacuum Cleaner no.3

Vacuum Cleaner no.3

Strabane was today said to be in the grips of marital tension after it emerged that a local joiner had broken the 4th vacuum cleaner in the space of 12 months in his house, leaving his wife ‘pure rippin’ and ‘not remotely amused’.

John McElhinnion (47) finally admitted he has some kind of a curse over him when it comes to vacuum cleaners and has pledged to use brooms and brushes from now on if his wife, Sally, allows him back into the house. Cousin, neighbour and confidante, Cherelle McVicker, revealed Sally (64) is in no mood to see the funny side of the matter:

“She went clean mad, so she did. You could hear her roaring at him from half a mile away. I took a shoot down to see what the commotion was and managed to witness poor John being kicked up and down their driveway with the broken cleaner wrapped around his neck.”

Sally, this evening, was not in the form to find a resolution to the fall-out:

“He’s just a glipe so he is. I told him after the last one broke that I’d kill him if he broke another one, him and his big flipping shovel hands and clown feet. He tried to surprise me by hoovering the kitchen yesterday before I came home. I arrived to find the machine on fire and the hoover-head of it smashed right through the patio doors.”

John admits he has a mental block when it comes to vacuum cleaners but has finally learnt his lesson:

“That’s it now. Me and vacuum cleaners will never get on. Four in a year is some record though I still maintain if she didn’t get them knock-off ones for a score in Nutt’s Corner it’d be a fair battle between me and the machine. I’ll be sweeping for the foreseeable future.”

Meanwhile, Strabane Council have rejected claims they are to merge with Clady to form Strady.

Dungannon Council Propose A Rescheduling Of Christmas

Christmas-cancelledIn what has been described as a ‘brave and completely nonsensical’ proposal, Dungannon Council have tabled a bid to the central County Authority to postpone Christmas this year until next February or so. The bold idea was drawn up this morning in an alleyway in Scotch Street with all six members of the powerful council agreeing to put back the holiday in a straight swap for Valentine’s Day, blaming the mild weather for the change.

Seamus McAliskey, a 30 year old steam train driver from the lowlands, reckons there’s a dark secret they’re not telling us:

“Listen, I was in Germany last week driving a train and all these Germans were asking me if it was true that Dungannon spent all its money on dud sparklers and bangers from Nutt’s Corner. Apparently that’s all the talk on the continent. I reckon the buggers have no money for lights and stuff til the new budget comes through in January.”

Dungannon Lord Mayor Hilary McGettican refutes the allegations:

“Whilst I acknowledge the mistake we made with the Algerian sparklers, we still have money left. We are proposing having Christmas on the 25th of February for many reasons. I am now going to talk in bullet points…”

  • There’s no money in the country at this time for builders, gardeners and farmers
  • There’s usually far more snow in February
  • We can raid shops in other counties for half price stock-clearance Christmas stuff in the week after Christmas
  • It’s far too close to Boxing Day and the New Year
  • We won’t have to listen to Slade or Mariah Carey on the radio”

Under the new conditions, if passed, Valentine’s Day will be sandwiched between Christmas Eve and St Stephen’s Day.

The central council will debate the proposal on Tuesday straight after they deal with the 10th Tattyreagh bid for city status.

In other news, Coalisland’s Olly Kerr has reminded people his threat from last year still stands – Click here . He has added to his hit list anyone who posts “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” on their facebook status.

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