In what has been described as a ‘brave and completely nonsensical’ proposal, Dungannon Council have tabled a bid to the central County Authority to postpone Christmas this year until next February or so. The bold idea was drawn up this morning in an alleyway in Scotch Street with all six members of the powerful council agreeing to put back the holiday in a straight swap for Valentine’s Day, blaming the mild weather for the change.
Seamus McAliskey, a 30 year old steam train driver from the lowlands, reckons there’s a dark secret they’re not telling us:
“Listen, I was in Germany last week driving a train and all these Germans were asking me if it was true that Dungannon spent all its money on dud sparklers and bangers from Nutt’s Corner. Apparently that’s all the talk on the continent. I reckon the buggers have no money for lights and stuff til the new budget comes through in January.”
Dungannon Lord Mayor Hilary McGettican refutes the allegations:
“Whilst I acknowledge the mistake we made with the Algerian sparklers, we still have money left. We are proposing having Christmas on the 25th of February for many reasons. I am now going to talk in bullet points…”
- There’s no money in the country at this time for builders, gardeners and farmers
- There’s usually far more snow in February
- We can raid shops in other counties for half price stock-clearance Christmas stuff in the week after Christmas
- It’s far too close to Boxing Day and the New Year
- We won’t have to listen to Slade or Mariah Carey on the radio”
Under the new conditions, if passed, Valentine’s Day will be sandwiched between Christmas Eve and St Stephen’s Day.
The central council will debate the proposal on Tuesday straight after they deal with the 10th Tattyreagh bid for city status.
In other news, Coalisland’s Olly Kerr has reminded people his threat from last year still stands – Click here . He has added to his hit list anyone who posts “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” on their facebook status.
A likeable Coalisland photographer, Olly Kerr, has threatened the rest of the town with the ultimate revenge if they are heard to wish him or anyone else a Merry Christmas, or even talk about the festive period, before December the 18th.
Kerr, known for his charitable acts and friendly banter, appears to have snapped early this year, pasting notices of the threat outside most retail businesses in the area.
The notice, in shaky red writing, reads:
“I hereby announce that anyone mentioning the word ‘Merry’ and ‘Christmas’ in the same sentence in the vicinity of my presence will leave the same company with their head taken clean off them, before December 18th. Signed Olly Kerr.”
An agitated Kerr has since told us:
“I’d like to add a bit to that earlier statement. I’d want to inform all shop owners or public houses in the greater Coalisland area that if I walk in and hear that Mariah Carey shite ‘All I Want For Christmas’ blasting out, all they’ll want for Christmas is new stock because I’ll fooking wreck the joint. I’m serious about this. I’ve already smashed my sister’s 50 inch HD TV to smithereens after that ‘Holidays Are Coming’ Coke advert came on during Countdown. I don’t apologise for my actions. Coalisland is the perfect place to live 11 months of the year. You can miserably dander around the town knowing everyone else is as miserable as you. Then people lose the run of themselves for a month and pretend they’re happy whilst being crippled with burgeoning debt and preparing for a harrowing, hard and hungry January. Well, not on my patch. You’ll just hear the slap.”
Kerr has already clipped a hapless schoolboy for whistling Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer on his way to school up the Brackaville Road last week. Young Harry Gervin (8) says a semi-naked Kerr came running out of his house ‘like some mad demented buffalo’ and gave him an accurate skite across the earhole, having heard the whistling from his opened window in the upstairs bathroom.
Meanwhile, the PSNI’s application to turn on the Coalisland Christmas lights this year will be heard by the Town Committee tonight at 9:00pm. The meeting will end at 9:02pm.