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Tyrone Classifieds Volume 2

FOR SALE

Metal set of drawers. Stood the test of time. Sleeps six children. Great for big traditional family. DREGISH

 

Collection of old people. Retirement home fire-sale. No real bother apart from wiping and scraping. DUNGANNON

 

Cheap Divorces! End the misery today! OMAGH

 

Home-made portable toilet. Great for attending GAA or soccer games or going to a march. Serviced recently. GLENELLY

 

Have you had a heart attack or died? We can help. Cardiac Discussion Group. ARDBOE

 

Freshly cut Christmas Trees. Can be delivered by December 28th. Local produce. FINTONA

 

Part-time head-lice puller. Great with children. BROCAGH

 

Turkey for sale. Only partially eaten. Wasn’t stuffed. STRABANE

 

Donkey with a red cowboy hat on. Answers to Hetty. Do not look direct in eye. EDENDORK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tyrone Classifieds – October

WANTED SECTION:

Two adult tricycles. Good breaks, not too rusty. Must be able to hold 15 stone each. Needed for romantic excursions with wife. Ardboe.

A yellow and green button for my shirt. Shirt has been very successful at Sally’s in Omagh. Tattyreagh.

Surgeon required for new surgery in Coalisland. No experience necessary. Must have own tools.

Someone to do farm work. Must have a hoolahoop. Augher.

The person I hit on the head with a tomato in Beragh in 1958. Feel guilty. Fivemiletown.

Someone to go back in time with. No time-wasters. Must bring your own weapons. Safety cannot be guaranteed. Will get paid when we get back. Only done this once before. Strabane.

Someone who can speak and write Australian. Relatives visiting in three months so want teacher asap. Brocagh.

SELLING SECTION:

Child’s potty chair. 10 years old. Slight staining. Newmills. £20

Used gravestone. Used only once. Must be called Patrick Kelly. Dungannon. £300

Soccer ball. Signed by either Pele, the greatest footballer on earth from Brazil, or some guy called Peter. Writing faint. Moortown. £100

Bagpiper. Will do wedding, funerals and children’s parties. Not the greatest piper but no one can tell. £50 per hour. Plumbridge.

Dinosaur bones. Not 100% sure but look a bit like the way I imagine they would. Found in bog in Greencastle. £50’000

Horse. Half Andalusian. Half Labrador. Very friendly. Likes bones. Drumragh. £600

One pair of hardly used dentures. Only three teeth missing. Galbally. £50

Vosene Shampoo. Only half used. Bargain at £4. Also Mach 3 razor blade. Only used twice. Mint condition. £2. Edendork.

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