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Healy Park Scoreboard Man Hospitalised With RSI. Stable Now.

McCabe in happier times

McCabe in happier times

Carlito McCabe, who works the scoreboard at Healy Park in Omagh, was described as ‘stable’ today after he was admitted late last night with Repetitive Strain Injury. McCabe, who was on duty during Tyrone’s 5-16 to 0-7 hammering of neighbours Armagh, began complaining on the way home of pains in his wrists and elbows before couping onto the pavement outside The Silver Berch with excruciating stiffness. According to Zappettini & Bradley – this type of injury would be defined as a workplace injury.

Healy Park gateman and close friend, Kieran McMahon, is adamant the Mickey Harte and his Tyrone side should issue a formal apology to his fellow clubman.

“I knew he was in trouble at half time. Tyrone had already racked up 2-10 by that stage and that’s some getting up and down in the cold weather for McCabe. I sent word into the Tyrone changing room at half time to tone it down a bit for McCabe but you know yourself, Mickey can be a headstrong fellow. We saw that when Tyrone scored another goal within 30 secs of the restart. It was a dagger through the heart of McCabe who had only managed to sit down after a boul of soup. I should’ve said nothing.”

McCabe maintains he will seek compensation from the Tyrone County board.

“The elbow is banjaxed. When Tyrone scored their 5th goal all I could shout was ‘Sweet Jaysus and The Holy Donkey’. Them there numbers are heavy. I’ll be expecting a couple of pounds from both county boards. “

Tyrone County Board issued a statement offering best wishes to McCabe for a speedy recovery but told him to count his lucky stars for all those wides in the first half.

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GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.

Derrytresk Goat, this morning

The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.

A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:

“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”

At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.

“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”

Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:

“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”

The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.

Out And About In Tyrone – The Horse Meat Debate

funny-horse_Wallpaper

We visited the famous Augher cattle mart this morning to gauge opinions on the recent horse meat debate:

Is it that bad really? Sure in Asia they eat everything and them boys live til they’re 100. Listen, everything will run out eventually and our future generations will be eating each other to survive. I’d eat a man alright. FONZIE MCCLURE, CLONOE

Lucksee, I’ve begun thinking. Like, see them cows in the field, like, how do we know if they’re really cows like? What if they’re horses or zebras dressed up like cows? Them farmers are capable of anything. PADDY HARBINSON, ROCK

I was saying to the wife yesterday at the pictures. What’s in that popcorn? I’m prepared to question everything I eat now. Cream crackers – like is that cardboard or wood? I’ve long suspected an establishment in Omagh was passing off dirty water as Guinness. HARRY CULLEN, BERAGH

If I see one more horse joke on Facebook, i’ll not be responsible for my actions. SUSAN CASSIDY, COALISLAND

Spare a thought for Gavin Devlin. He must be sleeping with one eye open. He’d make one hell of a lasagne though. BRIAN MCIVOR, ARDBOE

What about the donkeys? They always get the raw deal. Even in a scandal like this, no one is thinking about the donkey. I’m sure ass meat tastes just as good too. There’s a marketing opportunity out there for ass burgers. You’ll find perverts buying them and allMARY MUNROE, CARRICKMORE

Brocagh Man Fights Shark In Roughan Lough. No Witnesses.

Artist's impression of Davidson and Roughan shark

Artist’s impression of Davidson and Roughan shark

A Brocagh bulb-fitter, Dessie Davidson, yesterday claimed to have beaten off a ‘baste of a shark’ during a charity swim on St Stephen’s Day in Roughan Lough, just outside Newmills. Roughan officials are now investigating the incident and have warned people not to take to the lough unless they feel confident of beating a shark in a scuffle. Davidson, 46, was reportedly shaken up after the incident but has since managed to calm his nerves with an ‘unmerciful feed of stout’.

“Jays it was deadly like. I was swimming away, raising money for the new Mountjoy Donkey Sanctuary, when I felt a presence behind me. I turned and before I knew it I was in a full blown fist-fight with this shark. I don’t think it was local. It was pummelling away with its big leathery fins but I was giving it as good as I got. It was like punching leather at times and I could hear the yelps out of it after I dished out an uppercut or kidney punch. We both drew blood but it swam off first so I’d say I got the better of it. It was a traumatic experience and I’ve been on the batter since. I don’t think it was a swan. Nearly sure about that.”

Although there were no witnesses, Newmills knitting expert Greta Gordon (88) contacted the BBC last night to relate the story of being attacked by a dragon in the grounds of the castle last year during the Chinese New Year festivities. Roughan Castle Security Officals remain sceptical about the incident and maintain it could be Harry Campbell from Brackaville larking about in the shark costume he said he was getting for Christmas.

“No one has been beheaded in the castle since 1641. However, that could change if we find out Davidson was full drunk at the time and just got tangled up in seaweed,” claimed Lough manager Sir William Churchbottom.

He also announced that you can buy ‘I saw the Roughan shark’ mugs and tshirts up at the lough from today.

Tyrone Classifieds Volume 2

FOR SALE

Metal set of drawers. Stood the test of time. Sleeps six children. Great for big traditional family. DREGISH

 

Collection of old people. Retirement home fire-sale. No real bother apart from wiping and scraping. DUNGANNON

 

Cheap Divorces! End the misery today! OMAGH

 

Home-made portable toilet. Great for attending GAA or soccer games or going to a march. Serviced recently. GLENELLY

 

Have you had a heart attack or died? We can help. Cardiac Discussion Group. ARDBOE

 

Freshly cut Christmas Trees. Can be delivered by December 28th. Local produce. FINTONA

 

Part-time head-lice puller. Great with children. BROCAGH

 

Turkey for sale. Only partially eaten. Wasn’t stuffed. STRABANE

 

Donkey with a red cowboy hat on. Answers to Hetty. Do not look direct in eye. EDENDORK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Practical Joke Goes Wrong In Derrylaughan. Cattle Massacred.

An innocent attempt at a practical joke has ended in bloodshed as Katie Quinn’s entire herd were murdered in cold blood last night on the shores of Lough Neagh. With the hunting season in full flow, a group of shooters from Urney arrived in Derrylaughan after the news spread across the country regarding a gang of ravenous foxes who had been wreaking havoc around the general lowlands area. Quinn had been approached by the eldest in the Urney crowd, Larry Turner, to see if it was OK to shoot on her land.

“I thought it was good manners to ask permission. To be fair, Katie was very forthcoming and said that as long as we didn’t dung all over the place we were free to let loose on the foxes. She made one request though. I’d noticed a rancid-looking donkey standing behind a wall before she even mentioned it. She said that whilst we were out shooting, would we put a bullet into the donkey as it was too old, blind and lame and she hadn’t the heart to do that to Joxer who’d been in the family since Halley’s Comet visited in 1986.”

Joxer met his maker

Turner thought this was an opportunity to take a hand out of his fellow-shooters and told them that Katie had denied them the chance to shoot on their land. He also added that she was abusive towards them and said Urney was a hellhole full of wasters and bolloxes. He proceeded to tell them that he’d teach her a lesson and shoot her donkey. Little did they know that this was a prior arrangement between Quinn and Turner. Katie takes up the story:

“At first I thought he was a handsome young man. We came to an agreement that they could shoot on my land as long as they shot my poor Joxer. It was either them or the knackers yard in Coalisland and I wouldn’t give that shower a penny. I heard the shot and looked out to see poor Joxer drop to the ground, on his way to his eternal rest. What occurred afterwards will live with me forever.”

As it turned out, Turner was so convincing that, when he shot the donkey, the rest of his crew shot indiscriminately at all the cattle in the field in order to reinforce their anger at her supposed rudeness. The destruction was unimaginable as the field was strewn with murdered cows. One cow survived the ordeal and is currently receiving trauma rehabilitation. The Urney lads were chased down the Reenaderry Road but escaped up through Tamnamore.

paul g moss

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