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Tensions Grow As Herd Of Cows Annexes March Ditch in Brocagh

Bovine Slapping Session

Bovine Slapping Session


Residents of a field in Brocagh were in uproar last night following news that a herd of Fresian cows has controversially annexed the march ditch between its own field and a neighbouring field, halfway along the Ballybeg Road.

Tension has been growing in recent weeks between different factions in the area, and in particular between two herds of cows, one Fresian, one Limousin. The situation worsened last Tuesday following the hostile entry into the ditch by three young Fresian calves which escalated further still as they aggressively dunged the ditch to claim it as their own.

The Fresians insisted that prior to the annexation they had conducted a democratic vote for the residents of the ditch, although this was hotly disputed by many.

Roger Parsley, a rabbit from near the end of the march ditch, insisted that the ballot results had been illegally doctored by the Fresians.

“It’s a feckin’ disgrace. How were we even supposed to tick the ballot papers? We’re not fit to. We haven’t even got an opposable thumb to hold the pen with. The whole thing was rigged. Is that a piece of lettuce?”

Parsley also claimed that ethnic cleansing was taking place, and that the Fresians had employed a team of foxes to displace dozens of families.

“Last night me and the missus were, well, a bit busy like. We’re rabbits, understand? I’m not going to spell it out. Anyway, a whole lock of foxes went past the burrow making all sorts of threats, dropping hints about what might happen if we didn’t move out, asking if we had ever watched ‘Fatal Attraction’ and suchlike”.

The United Nations have since appointed a special peacekeeping envoy in the form of a 4-year old tawny owl called Henry, which itself became embroiled in controversy after two families of dormice living near the ditch disappeared, which the owl guiltily dismissed as ‘probably just being a coincidence’.

The Limousins in the other field have since imposed sanctions by refusing the Fresians access to the big bath full of rainwater at the side of their field.

Meanwhile, a statement was released at the weekend by the three Fresian calves who took control of the march ditch which said that they ‘were only following orders’.

Practical Joke Goes Wrong In Derrylaughan. Cattle Massacred.

An innocent attempt at a practical joke has ended in bloodshed as Katie Quinn’s entire herd were murdered in cold blood last night on the shores of Lough Neagh. With the hunting season in full flow, a group of shooters from Urney arrived in Derrylaughan after the news spread across the country regarding a gang of ravenous foxes who had been wreaking havoc around the general lowlands area. Quinn had been approached by the eldest in the Urney crowd, Larry Turner, to see if it was OK to shoot on her land.

“I thought it was good manners to ask permission. To be fair, Katie was very forthcoming and said that as long as we didn’t dung all over the place we were free to let loose on the foxes. She made one request though. I’d noticed a rancid-looking donkey standing behind a wall before she even mentioned it. She said that whilst we were out shooting, would we put a bullet into the donkey as it was too old, blind and lame and she hadn’t the heart to do that to Joxer who’d been in the family since Halley’s Comet visited in 1986.”

Joxer met his maker

Turner thought this was an opportunity to take a hand out of his fellow-shooters and told them that Katie had denied them the chance to shoot on their land. He also added that she was abusive towards them and said Urney was a hellhole full of wasters and bolloxes. He proceeded to tell them that he’d teach her a lesson and shoot her donkey. Little did they know that this was a prior arrangement between Quinn and Turner. Katie takes up the story:

“At first I thought he was a handsome young man. We came to an agreement that they could shoot on my land as long as they shot my poor Joxer. It was either them or the knackers yard in Coalisland and I wouldn’t give that shower a penny. I heard the shot and looked out to see poor Joxer drop to the ground, on his way to his eternal rest. What occurred afterwards will live with me forever.”

As it turned out, Turner was so convincing that, when he shot the donkey, the rest of his crew shot indiscriminately at all the cattle in the field in order to reinforce their anger at her supposed rudeness. The destruction was unimaginable as the field was strewn with murdered cows. One cow survived the ordeal and is currently receiving trauma rehabilitation. The Urney lads were chased down the Reenaderry Road but escaped up through Tamnamore.

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