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Killyman Octogenarian Wins Tyrone’s Sexiest Farmer 2013. Bookies Stumped.

A happy McVeigh

A happy McVeigh

84 year old Terence McVeigh has surprisingly lifted the Tyrone’s Sexiest Farmer 2013 title after impressing judges with his handling of livestock, machinery and general working attire during an observation at his farm on the Moy Road last week. McVeigh, who was previously a finalist in 1963, beat off stiff competition from six other finalists, including the former Miss Levi Jeans of Kildress 1988, Masie McGinn.

Judges delivered their verdict at a packed field in Clogher, after a final parade of contestants around the yard, to a stunned silence. Apart from Kildress’s McGinn, Augher blonde bombshell 23-year old Jenny McKenna was also a bookie’s favourite having just taken up farming last Summer in order to win this competition.

Paddy Power spokesperson Deirdre McAlinden told us:

“It’s a great result for us but there’s something fishy about this. McVeigh has a permanent stoop, just the one eye and hasn’t washed his farming since the mid-70s. Jenny McKenna was 6-1 on and just last year won the Augher Rear of the Year. It makes no sense at all, though we’re sucking diesel financially.”

When asked to explain their scoring, a rather evasive Tom Mulholland remarked:

“It was an easy decision. Ask any woman – the way to a Tyrone girl’s heart is how a man dungs out the yard. McVeigh may have taken three hours to do it, but he was meticulous. He was covered head to toe in manure and sweat but sure isn’t that one of the best sights any man, woman or beast wants. McKenna may have the painted nails, designer jeans and high heeled wellies but she was trying to shear a bull when we arrived down. And let’s be honest, Miss Levy Jeans of Kildress 1988 has let herself go a bit.”

McVeigh said he was going to celebrate his success with a ‘slap of buttermilk and potatoes’. He also stressed that supplying ‘a baste of a turkey’ to the Mulholland household every Christmas was coincidental.

He wins a year’s supply of wellington boots.

Tyrone Classifieds – October

WANTED SECTION:

Two adult tricycles. Good breaks, not too rusty. Must be able to hold 15 stone each. Needed for romantic excursions with wife. Ardboe.

A yellow and green button for my shirt. Shirt has been very successful at Sally’s in Omagh. Tattyreagh.

Surgeon required for new surgery in Coalisland. No experience necessary. Must have own tools.

Someone to do farm work. Must have a hoolahoop. Augher.

The person I hit on the head with a tomato in Beragh in 1958. Feel guilty. Fivemiletown.

Someone to go back in time with. No time-wasters. Must bring your own weapons. Safety cannot be guaranteed. Will get paid when we get back. Only done this once before. Strabane.

Someone who can speak and write Australian. Relatives visiting in three months so want teacher asap. Brocagh.

SELLING SECTION:

Child’s potty chair. 10 years old. Slight staining. Newmills. £20

Used gravestone. Used only once. Must be called Patrick Kelly. Dungannon. £300

Soccer ball. Signed by either Pele, the greatest footballer on earth from Brazil, or some guy called Peter. Writing faint. Moortown. £100

Bagpiper. Will do wedding, funerals and children’s parties. Not the greatest piper but no one can tell. £50 per hour. Plumbridge.

Dinosaur bones. Not 100% sure but look a bit like the way I imagine they would. Found in bog in Greencastle. £50’000

Horse. Half Andalusian. Half Labrador. Very friendly. Likes bones. Drumragh. £600

One pair of hardly used dentures. Only three teeth missing. Galbally. £50

Vosene Shampoo. Only half used. Bargain at £4. Also Mach 3 razor blade. Only used twice. Mint condition. £2. Edendork.

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