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Alligator Attacks Derrytresk’s New Female Outdoor Synchronised Swimming Team

alliSeveral Derrytresk women are said to be ‘shook up a bit’ after their synchronised swimming team were savaged by an alligator in a field at the Annaghmore bend.

The recent floods have been so persistent that a local watersports executive was set up to utilise the situation and initiate a range of aqua-based activities including water polo, snorkelling and Olympic scuba-diving.

Coupled with the news that Derrytresk is to be re-categorised as an official Irish rainforest, the area has been a hive of outdoor activity on a par with Sydney according to tourists.

However, the recent alligator attack has forced the executive to carry out a health and safety check, confirmed today by Aqua-Sports Derrytresk Overseer Jamie Fitzgerald:

“The alligator attack was a bit of a surprise given that they’re native only to America and China. This is either global warming or someone has brought one home from the States and threw it in for badness. In any case, Linda Hanna has a bite on her leg and the description she gave us of the assailant sounds like an alligator. She said it was scaly, had dead eyes and smelt fishy.”

The Derrytresk Synchronised Swimmers were due to compete in the Mid-Ulster Championships against the Magherafelt Mummies, their first indoor competition since their formation a month ago. Problems have beset the team recently, including an unsightly public argument over the swimming costumes. Fitzgerald added:

“Yes, that was an extremely unseemly brawl outside the GAA club. Personally, I thought the skimpy outfits might get more votes but the majority settled on old-fashioned woollen attire, covering nearly everything. But no need to be punching the heads off each other.”

Local alligator hunter Sean McCourt has been summonsed to the fields with a hammer and a rope.

 

 

Good Weather Sees Rise In Safari Animals Wandering Tyrone

Lion on bus to Omagh

Lion on bus to Omagh

The recent good spell has sparked a rise in desert mammals popping up across the county according to animal spotter Hugh Pat Bonner from Ardboe. Elephants in Eskra, gazelles in Greencastle and camels in Carrickmore have become the norm as the animals acclimatise to the balmy mid-Ulster climate. Bonner admitted that even he was surprised to see an alligator drinking out of a ditch outside the Battery bar.

“Aye, thon was a bit of a shock. What surprised me most was that the alligator just nodded at me like as if he’s been here for years. My brother said he saw a cheetah in Moortown chasing after midges. I wonder do these animals lie dormant in Ireland until we get Sahara-like weather.”

John Agnew admitted he now misses being stuck behind cattle on the road to Dungannon compared to what’s happening now:

“I was on the Killeeshil Road yesterday and was caught behind a herd of elephants heading towards Castlecaulfield. You think cow-pats are bad. These boys drop monster-sized dungs and then swipe the stuff at your windscreen with their trunks. Then from the Killyliss Road we were attacked by a shower of monkeys. I’ll never complain again about oul Cullen’s cattle.”

Carrickmore residents however have welcomed the arrival of 44 camels. Mary Kelly, a lady of the night, admitted:

“They’ve been a welcome addition to the Carmen landscape. These boys can haul 600 bales no bother and only need a spoonful of water. Also, their milk is less fattening. Women are drinking straight from the teet and are losing pounds by the day. And the humps are good oul craic too.”

However, an oranguan in Donemana is proving to be a social pest, spying on women getting ready by hanging upside down from guttering.

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