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Leaked Document Reveals Derrytresk Training Schedule For Junior Final

Derrytresk meditation techniques

Derrytresk meditation techniques

A detailed a4 page detailing the training schedule for Derrytresk’s participation in the Tyrone Junior Championship Final against the Rock was left behind in a confessional box at Kingsisland Church this morning.

The document, which was handwritten in pencil and signed CG, reveals the lengths modern teams go to before big games but also harks back to decades ago when tried and tested methods worked best. When contacted, a recently retired player from the club verified the methods and gave examples of how they worked.

Amongst other directions, the instructions included:

  • Six raw eggs every morning
  • a 20-mile walk to Dungannon and back three times a week
  • Listening to traditional music
  • a big spoon of medicine to clear out system before training

When asked about that final item, our source told us:

“I don’t know the name of it but by god it works. It’s tastes a bit like carbolic acid mixed with a heavy cough syrup. Yer man from Ballinderry makes us line up and he has this massive wooden spoon and we all take three gulps of it. Then, 20 minutes into running laps around the field your stomach starts rumbling and you’d have to run into the rampart and let rip. It’s some sight, 30 lads going to the toilet and the man from Ballinderry laughing his head off in the field. It works though. You feel three stone lighter and even faster.”

Other recommendations included:

  • Six Hail Marys every night before bed
  • No alcohol on Mondays and Thursdays
  • Trampolining
  • Planking and meditation

When quizzed on the document, a member of the backroom team confirmed our findings and added ‘they’ll be the best prepared team in Ireland this year. Even Jimmy McGuinness pops down to see how it’s done.’

Derrytresk meet Rock in the final in October.

 

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