Residents of Greencastle have been asked to return to their houses after the reported flying cow news story turned out to be a hoax. Government officials confirmed there’ll be no claim forms for this.
Photoshop experts from Dungannon Tech confirmed that the image captured and shared by Frank Mitchell on UTV Weather Watchers was a really poor computer job by a B-Tech IT student and not a real depiction of cattle hurtling towards the Sperrins.
Dermot O’Devlin, an esteemed local historian, remains sceptical:
“Well, I think I know that cow from my Christmas party shenanigans. The lights on it are a give away. Anyway, I’m not heading back to my house until I know there are no livestock casually hurtling about in my locality and them weighing a few hundred tonnes. If there’s a claim, I’m in though.”
Local Photoshop guru, Jack McKinless, labelled the picture ‘one of the worst Photoshop jobs’ he’s ever seen.
The Greencastle flying cow story follows on from the Kildress Old People’s Home incident which lamented the loss of 44 elderly residents who blew away ‘northwards’ during the high winds. Worker Patricia Hurson maintains she saw them fly off ‘towards Derry’ whilst out for their morning walk.
Shortly afterwards, workers applied for a grant which caters for Act of God bereavement stress amongst their staff.
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.