Bonfires of lettuces littered the Derrytresk skyline this morning after local budding chef Jamsie McGarrell revealed the secret behind his succulent vegetables live on MasterChef on BBC2 last night.
The special episode, which was recorded live in London in front of an audience of 400 spectators, allowed contestants to bring in their own home-grown produce and make a signature dish.
McGarrell, who took first place with his ‘bacon and lettuce surprise‘, was heavily complimented on his wonderful vegetables, particularly his vibrant and ‘utterly memorable‘ lettuce, according to joint presenter Gregg Wallace.
When asked what the secret was to his outstanding quality of lettuce, McGarrell took a deep breath before adding:
“Pish. I pish on them at night.”
Filming was stopped and viewers were shown an old episode of Tom and Jerry as Wallace and co-presenter John Torode visited the men’s room due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’. A much paler Wallace emerged six minutes later to wrap up the live show.
Reaction in Derrytresk has been described as ‘confused’ as people were witnessed retching and vomiting in their gardens from last night until the early hours of the morning. Local wag and non-veg dieter Pete Campbell revealed he hasn’t laughed so much in a long time:
“McGarrell was making a mint selling his ‘Lovely Lettuce’ brand to nearly every house in the town land. People were mad for it and you’d even see men chewing on his lettuce whilst driving the motor or in Mass even. This is a turn-up for the books alright. I’m glad I just like the meat.”
McGarrell’s revelation explains away the three accusations of ‘indecent exposure’ in the last year which he managed to overturn by offering judge and jury free ‘lovely lettuces‘ for a year.
The much-anticipated ‘Masterchef Tyrone’ has been shelved after only three episodes when presenters John Torode and Gregg Wallace refused to taste one more bite from the county’s hopeful culinary candidates.
The new regional series which saw contestants from Strabane, Killyclogher, Brackaville and Cookstown will now not air as promised and has instead been cut up and edited for special episodes of blooper shows such as You’ve Been Framed and It’ll Be Alright On The Night.
Camerawoman on the set and former Miss Castlecaulfield 1988 Jenny Robinson explained the decision:
“I agreed with the presenters. The stuff was inedible. In the third series they were asked to make their signature dish and yer man from Strabane opened an old tin of corned beef, didn’t scrape off the fat, and stuck it between two lumps of soda bread smothered in butter. He added a few bits of grass for effect around the plate and told the two experts to ‘get yer gob around that’. Gregg Wallace, who has an enormous appetite, threw up on the first chew.”
Brackaville man Mick Rea was disgusted at the hasty decision:
“This is nearly a form of racism. Just because they don’t like our food they pull the plug. For my signature I made sausages inside a coat of bacon, smothered in a drippy but lightly fried egg with lashing of salt. As a side dish I chopped up some Love Hearts and melted a Snickers to give the plate a chocolatty sophisticated design. If I made that in Brackaville I’d be kicked around the golf course for being a snobby oul hoor. But not good enough for these two BBC lads. Discrimination.”
BBC defended the decision after revealing their two presenters were suffering from severe stomach cramps from the previous episode when Killyclogher’s Jennifer Grugan surprised the experts by misreading ‘crab pie’ as ‘crap pie’. That episode has been destroyed.
39 towns and villages in Tyrone have agreed to boycott potatoes “for the foreseeable future” after thousands of complaints about how they’re being treated in restaurants and cafes across the county since the 1990s. Customers have finally had enough of being offered continental dishes from baked potatoes to potato wedges when all they ask for is a plate of spuds.
Eskra farmer, Mike Kelly (71), explained their annoyance:
“You go out for a feed of spuds and the waiter rhymes off a rake of fancy dishes like roast potatoes or some other la-de-da stuff like that. What does a man have to do to get a slap of pitters? People are watching them food TV shows like Mastermind Chef or Can’t Dine With Me and now think they’re deadly at the cookin. Not a spud will be bought in this county til people get back to basics.”
Ballygawley restaurant owner John Lally admits this is the nuclear option they never anticipated:
“We’re banjaxed now. If we want to get a Michelin Star for our establishments, or even a half decent review in the local paper, we have to offer dishes that outsiders or experts eat like garlic spuds or potato soup. But our bread and butter daily clientele are giving us some savage abuse every day now. Last week our most loyal customer threatened to burn the joint down because we weren’t doing ‘plain spuds on a plate and nothing else’. What a county!”
The first ‘Save Our Spud’ rally takes place on Wednesday night in Galbally with organisers promising ‘a slap of floury balls’ for all attendees.
Meanwhile, the Garvaghey bobsleigh announced they plan to enter the 2018 Winter Olympics and are training flat out up at the new GAA complex which retains a sub-zero temperature 12 months a year.
The much-awaited performance on Masterchef of Ballygawley balloon blower-upper Malachy Kelly was ‘a bit dung’ according to his mother and fiercest critic, Angela. The long-running BBC food gameshow had yet to entertain any competitors from Tyrone before Kelly’s appearance last week and it is unlikely there’ll be any more. The theme for the Ballygawley man’s episode was ‘Egg Surprise’ where contestants had to come up with an egg-based dish to woo the judges Gregg Wallace and John Torode. Angela Kelly pulled no punches in assessing her son’s performance:
When I saw what the other three competitors were cooking, I knew our Malachy was in trouble. The first girl did some kind of exotic Carribean omelette with mad ingredients like green peppers and leeks. Thon boy from London made ‘egg foo young’ with scallions and it looked deadly. Finally the Australian woman cooked these massive scotch eggs that’d feed the whole of Aughnacloy. Malachy looked a bit pale at this stage.”
Calling his dish ‘Egg Bateupinacup’, Kelly boiled two eggs for ten minutes, rinsed them under the tap for half a minute, peeled off the shell, threw them into a cup and slapped in a lump of butter before whisking it with a teaspoon. On handing it to the two judges with two small bits of unbuttered bread, the sweat was pouring down his face.
“Embarrassed. Egg beat up in a cup. Holy Jaysus. The fancy name threw them at the start and I could hear the judges discussing whether it was some kind of Irish language dish. The only good part was the dramatic music when he cooled the eggs under the tap. You could see the pain in his face as he struggled to juggle the hot eggs for about fifteen seconds. To be honest I got a bit emotional at that part.”
Gregg Wallace called the dished ‘underwhelming’ and ‘a joke’. Torode thought he put in too much butter. The show will air on Christmas Day 2013. Malachy returned to Ballygawley last night and was paraded around the town on the back of a trailer to 12 ecstatic well-wishers with only the odd bit of abuse shouted.