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‘Milk In First’ Report On Tea-Making Sparks Outrage Across County
Re-enactment of tea pouring
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Disturbances broke out across parts of Tyrone yesterday after a report produced by the Institute of Studies said that putting milk into the cup before the tea makes it taste better.
The report, authored by Tyrone-born professor of science Wolfgang O’Neill, has stated that putting milk into the cup first, rather than tea followed by the milk, makes it tastier, and, controversially, that those individuals who put it in first are more likely to be much cleverer than those who don’t. The report went on to hypothesise that people who insist on dunking biscuits into their tea are also far more intellectually advanced than their non-dunking counterparts, stating,
‘Dunkers, previously dismissed as a bunch of uncouth, ill-mannered hoors, may actually be high-functioning geniuses with highly advanced mental faculties, with an IQ far higher even than people like Stephen Fry, that boyo who does Mastermind, and Hugo Duncan’.
O’Neill denied that the report was produced on the back of a bunch of unsubstantiated half-truths with virtually no substance.
“Abject nonsense. All my research was done under almost laboratory conditions. I watched people pour their tay in the Millwheel in Dungannon and McGlinchey’s in Coalisland, and then asked them their 7-times table and if they knew what the capital of France was. The dunkers and milk-in-first brigade were miles ahead”.
Residents living in the centre of Dungannon feared for their safety when a contingent of mildly-irritated pensioners took to the streets to protest against the findings in the report, with one shop-owner being threatened with a Blue Riband biscuit. Cyril McGlone from Altmore, determined not to be stereotyped as just another pensioner trotting out the usual generalisations, said,
“This sort of thing would never have happened in my day. It’s political correctness gone mad. Everything in moderation, that’s what I say. Young people of today have no respect. I’m 84 you know”.
O’Neill had also intended to include in his report a potential link between acting the eejit and coffee-drinkers, but struggled to find participants for the study.
“We couldn’t find anyone in the county who drank coffee, not even in Donaghmore. That’s why there’s none of thon fancy Starbucks or Costa Coffee shops anywhere. I even went into the Linen Green in Dungannon to see if they sold it and they said, ‘We don’t do cocktails’. It’s likely we might have to go as far afield as Armagh to find someone who drinks it. However”, said the scientist confidently, “Preliminary reports indicate that coffee drinkers are likely to be sly, distrustful, and have eyes that are too close together. Fact”.
New ‘Super-Councils’ With Extended Powers Raises Confusion Over Magical Superpowers
Barry McElduff?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The news that 11 new super-Councils are to be created throughout Northern Ireland from the existing 26 and that each is to be given extended powers, has resulted in hundreds of people throughout Tyrone believing that the Councils are actually to be granted magical superpowers.
Following the publication at the weekend of a survey by the Irish Council for Statistics, it appears that entire villages have caught the wrong end of the stick, with an alarming 16% of residents believing that council staff might turn into levitating, shape-shifting, fire-breathing oddballs, all at the tax payer’s expense.
56-year old Harry Patterson of Cabragh told us,
“Being given superpowers like time travel and trigonometry and the like is a bridge too far. It’s a breach of my human rights. I don’t want them council ones spying on me when I’m out in the shed doing stuff. Not that I’m doing anything wrong like. And certainly not with that woman from next door. There’s nothin’ wrong with being neighbourly, you know”, he said defensively.
The view was shared by Jacinta Ferguson, a 42-year old housewife from Urney.
“It’s a waste of damn time. I don’t want the council coming round, self-spawning all over my front garden or manipulating gravity and stuff, when all I want is my gutters rodded. They should get their priorities right”.
“If they end up having superpowers like Spider-Man there’s no saying where it could end”, agreed Tony Laverty from Windmill. “We can’t have people suddenly going into slow motion like in ‘The Matrix’ at the drop of a hat, can we? It would be like that TV programme where all them weird-looking hoors have amazing superpowers. ‘Mastermind’, that’s it”.
Others concurred.
“We might end up with Barry McElduff waltzing through Carrickmore wearing a Batman outfit, and then where would be?” declared Deirdre Hughes from Drumquin. “I have no wish to see that man in tights, let me tell you that. I’m not making that mistake again. If them councillors want a superpower then they can go and teleport themselves to feck”.
Some were more circumspect, with a keen interest in what the superpowers might be.
“Will you maybe be able to get x-ray vision specs from the council?” enquired a 58-year old man from Trillick who didn’t want to be named. “That would be handy right enough, for, like, all sorts of things. And would you be able to see through like material, like say, I don’t know, clothes and suchlike? Just asking”. He added, “And a couple of them super-strength ones like The Hulk could rightly work some wonders for the St Macartan’s hi. Has anyone told Mickey Harte about this?”
58 year old Rebecca O’Neill from Brantry however was much less positive, snorting,
“They should go and speak to the Roads Department. Have you seen the state of my street? In my opinion they’ve been practising invisibility for bloody years”.
The new councils are expected to come into effect in a few months time.
Whole Of Tyrone To Boycott Spuds
39 towns and villages in Tyrone have agreed to boycott potatoes “for the foreseeable future” after thousands of complaints about how they’re being treated in restaurants and cafes across the county since the 1990s. Customers have finally had enough of being offered continental dishes from baked potatoes to potato wedges when all they ask for is a plate of spuds.
Eskra farmer, Mike Kelly (71), explained their annoyance:
“You go out for a feed of spuds and the waiter rhymes off a rake of fancy dishes like roast potatoes or some other la-de-da stuff like that. What does a man have to do to get a slap of pitters? People are watching them food TV shows like Mastermind Chef or Can’t Dine With Me and now think they’re deadly at the cookin. Not a spud will be bought in this county til people get back to basics.”
Ballygawley restaurant owner John Lally admits this is the nuclear option they never anticipated:
“We’re banjaxed now. If we want to get a Michelin Star for our establishments, or even a half decent review in the local paper, we have to offer dishes that outsiders or experts eat like garlic spuds or potato soup. But our bread and butter daily clientele are giving us some savage abuse every day now. Last week our most loyal customer threatened to burn the joint down because we weren’t doing ‘plain spuds on a plate and nothing else’. What a county!”
The first ‘Save Our Spud’ rally takes place on Wednesday night in Galbally with organisers promising ‘a slap of floury balls’ for all attendees.
Meanwhile, the Garvaghey bobsleigh announced they plan to enter the 2018 Winter Olympics and are training flat out up at the new GAA complex which retains a sub-zero temperature 12 months a year.
‘What’s On’ Guide For This Evening On Tribulations TV
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
To access, press the red button on your fax machine or go to channel 1 on any Sinclair ZX81 and type in ‘Run’.
5.00pm Cubs ‘n’ Weeans
A collection of Tribulations TV children’s programmes that have shaped the lives of Tyrone’s youngsters over the years, including Captain Pugwashingbay, Bill and Benburb, Tom and J’Erigal, and countless others. Contains swearing.
6.00pm The Culture Show: A Guide in Gentleman’s Etiquette
Presented by Malachy Mullan, local lady’s man and owner of the Donaghmore slaughterhouse, this week’s episode in self-betterment teaches aspiring young gentleman how to cough up balls of phlegm into your bare hand and then discretely wipe it on your trousers, and a valuable lesson in showing impressive restraint to a lady in a fancy Dungannon restaurant by not punching the waiter in the face when presented with the bill.
6.30pm Tyrone-ly Fools and Horses
Diarmid-Boy and Eugene drive about in a Reliant Robin that’s got ‘Paris London and Pomeroy’ painted on the side, and then fall through the bar in Hagan’s in Dungannon.
7.00pm Wife Swamp
Two wives, probably from Cabragh, dive face-down into a bog and get rescued by their husbands both of whom are in the advanced stages of inebriation, who then have a heated argument about which wife is which.
7.30pm James Bond: The Spy Who Loved Moy
Yer man gets lucky yet again with a nice piece from the Moy after a session in Tomney’s, and then gets to take her home in a fancy white sports car. Underwater.
9.45pm Tyrone in the 20s: A Step Back in Time
A fascinating insight into what it was like living in County Tyrone in the 1920s with no electricity, fresh running water, or modern vehicles, by using footage filmed in Stewartstown last week.
10.15pm Silage Witness
Drama about an Aughnacloy farmer who witnesses a bale of hay being stolen to order by an East European hay stealing ring, who is then drawn into the deadly underworld of black market hay espionage, armed with nothing but a big piece of blue rope.
11.00pm Mastermind
Hosted by local smart arse and Mensa-botherer John Quinlan from Mountfield, tonight’s four contestants face questions on their specialist subjects, ‘Tyrone’s Coastline’, ‘Fuel Siphoning’, ‘Tayto Salt ‘n’ Vinegar Crisps’ and ‘History of the Tarmac Rake’.
11.30pm Ardboe Selecta
A man in an odd-looking mask wanders round Ardboe near the Battery Harbour shouting “ghost oh biys” to strangers.
Tyrone Tribulations 