By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie

To access, press the red button on your fax machine or go to channel 1 on any Sinclair ZX81 and type in ‘Run’.

5.00pm                                    Cubs ‘n’ Weeans

A collection of Tribulations TV children’s programmes that have shaped the lives of Tyrone’s youngsters over the years, including Captain Pugwashingbay, Bill and Benburb, Tom and J’Erigal, and countless others. Contains swearing.

6.00pm                                    The Culture Show: A Guide in Gentleman’s Etiquette

Presented by Malachy Mullan, local lady’s man and owner of the Donaghmore slaughterhouse, this week’s episode in self-betterment teaches aspiring young gentleman how to cough up balls of phlegm into your bare hand and then discretely wipe it on your trousers, and a valuable lesson in showing impressive restraint to a lady in a fancy Dungannon restaurant by not punching the waiter in the face when presented with the bill.

6.30pm                                    Tyrone-ly Fools and Horses

Diarmid-Boy and Eugene drive about in a Reliant Robin that’s got ‘Paris London and Pomeroy’ painted on the side, and then fall through the bar in Hagan’s in Dungannon.

7.00pm                                    Wife Swamp

Two wives, probably from Cabragh, dive face-down into a bog and get rescued by their husbands both of whom are in the advanced stages of inebriation, who then have a heated argument about which wife is which.

7.30pm                                    James Bond: The Spy Who Loved Moy

Yer man gets lucky yet again with a nice piece from the Moy after a session in Tomney’s, and then gets to take her home in a fancy white sports car. Underwater.

9.45pm                                    Tyrone in the 20s:  A Step Back in Time

A fascinating insight into what it was like living in County Tyrone in the 1920s with no electricity, fresh running water, or modern vehicles, by using footage filmed in Stewartstown last week.

10.15pm                                    Silage Witness

Drama about an Aughnacloy farmer who witnesses a bale of hay being stolen to order by an East European hay stealing ring, who is then drawn into the deadly underworld of black market hay espionage, armed with nothing but a big piece of blue rope.

11.00pm                                    Mastermind

Hosted by local smart arse and Mensa-botherer John Quinlan from Mountfield, tonight’s four contestants face questions on their specialist subjects, ‘Tyrone’s Coastline’, ‘Fuel Siphoning’, ‘Tayto Salt ‘n’ Vinegar Crisps’ and ‘History of the Tarmac Rake’.

11.30pm                                    Ardboe Selecta

A man in an odd-looking mask wanders round Ardboe near the Battery Harbour shouting “ghost oh biys” to strangers.