Tyrone To Heat By 10 Degrees By 2030. Flights May Be Redirected From Santa Ponsa To Ardboe.
Scientists have warned Tyrone Tourism Board (TTB) to start thinking about rebranding the county as a getaway hot-weather holiday destination after they predicted that the county’s temperature will see them hit 40 degrees on a daily basis, even in March and November.
Already, a public vote will take place next Friday to decide whether all lough shore place names should have Costa del before it, with Costa del Derrylaughan already the favourite area to have its name changed first. Locals have also been told to start growing olive trees and think about selling sunglasses and hair beads.
Belfast Airport has admitted they’re open to having a runway in Ardboe for the 30-second journey across the Lough for people from Belfast or County Down.
Inland areas such as Galbally and Pomeroy have been told to construct water parks and bull-fighting arenas.
TTB spokesperson Phil Begley maintains this is a great opportunity for the county:
“Deadly news. There’ll be a pile of women and men with sculpted bodies and tans running about and if we can sell them some of the tight 80s GAA shorts it’ll do wonders for Gaelic games. Piri piri Chicken will be a Kildress delicacy.”
On the downside, a hosepipe ban will be enforced from 2027 which will see permanent shite on many pavements.
Galbally Men Still Wearing T-Shirts Despite The Wild Weather
Gales of up to 90mph, horizontal sleet and frosty conditions have been sweeping the county like never before, but appears to have had no impact on the choice of dress-wear in Galbally according to local fashion gurus, unlike Kildress.
Galbally parish priest Fr Donnelly has called on the men to hold firm despite the inclement weather:
“We Galballions have the reputation for being the hardest men in Ireland. Our young lads have a proud tradition to uphold and it brought a tear to my eye yesterday to see three young lads sitting on the bridge wall wearing shorts and a vest, despite the hurricane-fuelled hailstorm pounding down on top of them. They’re doing their ancestors proud.”
Youtube videos of Galballions going about their daily business wearing short tshirts and flip flops whilst the heavens lashed down on them have already reached four million viewers from countries as far as Sudan and Fiji. Fr Donnelly added:
“See, them Kildress ones think they’re hard but I’ve seen lads from there wearing gloves. Gloves! What next, a hat? They’ll be the laughing stock down at Tally’s.”
Despite the threat of sub-sero temperatures in the coming days, Fr Donnelly issued a veiled threat to any lad who thinks of going down the glove route:
“Religious excommunication and expulsion from the area is my recommendation for any fellow seen wearing long sleeves or even acknowledging the cold by rubbing hands and saying ‘brrrr’.”
Meanwhile, Kildress officials have explained that the wearing of gloves by two 14-yr olds was a one-off and that both boys have been severely reprimanded.
Tyrone Enjoys Heat Wave As Weather Re-Classification Index Takes Effect
New rules to ensure greater parity between cold weather climates such as Tyrone and its warmer-weather European counterparts came into effect today.
The EU’s AWWA ‘Appalling Weather Weighting Allowance’ will now allow towns with generally disappointing weather to re-classify its weather forecasts, to ensure that it is not meteorologically-disadvantaged compared to its European cousins.
Council spokesperson Audi Pyper explained.
“For years we’ve got our hopes up that the climate’s improving and it turns out cat. We’ve had an ongoing programme in the County to persuade everyone to contribute towards increase global warming, because it would do wonders for the climate, but it’s not worked. Global warming unfortunately isn’t coming to Tyrone any time soon, so this is great news”.
Examples of the new index are shown in the table below, which are now in place with immediate effect.
|Hurricane||Mild with showers|
Residents in Tyrone now face the exciting prospect of calling this month a genuine ‘Indian Summer’, where ‘Indian’ can be interpreted as ‘prolonged’, and ‘summer’ means ‘downpours’. “Yesterday it was horizontal rain in Edendork, proper pelting down”, said Pyper, “But apparently under the new index we can now call it ‘a slight chance of drizzle’. Class. Think what this’ll do for the tourist trade”.
Prospective tourist Thad McMasterson from America, seemed to agree.
“Gee, doncha jus’ love County Teerone? We checked the forecast with you fine people and it said it’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, all the way through the fall. I just gotta get myself and my wife Marleen ourselves a piece of that action. We’ll be right with y’all, just as soon as we’re done invading folks in some foreign country or other”.
Forecasters from the Met Office are predicting a slight dip in the weather next week, which is expected to be mild with showers.
Greencastle Man Will ‘Mow The Head Off’ Next Person To Mention The Weather
A Greencastle unicycle mechanic, Tommy Tracey, has warned locals that he’ll “mow the head clean off” anyone who mentions anything to do with the weather for the foreseeable future. Tracey, who was arrested three years ago for firing a volley of snowballs at a stranger who wished him a ‘Merry Christmas’ in Omagh, announced his decision in Eddie’s Bar last night.
“I’m sick of that crap. Every day it’s ‘Jays it’s a cold wan’ or ‘gives it bad tomorrow’. Is there nothing else to talk about? Horse borgers, the Superboul, Tulisa’s skirt – there’s loads going on out there. But not here in Greencastle. It’s rain this, snow that. I can’t give two fecks if you’re foundered or sweltering. The next person who mentions anything to do with the weather in my vicinity will have their features rearranged, permanently. I mean it.”
Tommy didn’t stop at that and proceeded to list a plethora of topics which are now banned whilst in his company:
“Distance. I don’t care how far it is from Greencastle to Moortown avoiding the Omagh Road. Last week I said to a lad in the bar that I was thinking of going to Belarus this summer. You know what he said? “What road would you take out to that?” We’re obsessed with distances, roads and the weather. And just to reiterate – no happy birthdays or any seasonal greetings in my company. Happy birthday my hole. As if they give a feck about how happy I am on my birthday. I never get people asking me how happy it was after it is over. Save your buckin breath will yiz.”
A group of lads from Kildress are reportedly gearing up to torture Tracey this weekend at the senior friendly between the sides by talking about the weather, distances and roads whilst greeting each other at regular intervals.
Aghaloo Man Mows Field Anyway
Despite the the recent Amazonian rainforest conditions and against advice from the Downtown Radio Farmers’ Hour Phone-In Advice Section, Aghaloo farmer Emmanuel Cant yesterday bulled ahead anyway and attempted to mow down the grass from his 5-acre land. The pleas and screams from his wife and daughters were soon drowned out when he started the back-firing 1955 Massey at the access to the field. Ironically, Cant’s father, Aristotle, had taken a similar head stagger a decade earlier during the torrential rainfall of 2002 but aborted the mission after destroying a nest of seals.
Emmanuel ran into difficulty early on as the Massey jammed in the swampy conditions and was heard to shout “get the fuckin scythe”. He proceeded to manically hack away at the soaking hay until exhaustion set in around tea-time and he was physically removed by his brother Francis who owns the field adjacent but had built flats on it.
He was heard to say ‘I’ll not let the fucker get the better of me’, with locals speculating whether he meant the field or the brother.