A gigantic rain cloud currently sitting over Tyrone has apologised unreservedly for dropping almost 4 million tons of rainwater on the region over the past week.
Roisin Devlin, a 3-mile long cumulonimbus cloud, who is currently moving slowly westwards over Omagh at 3,000 feet, made the apology after unexpectedly drenching thousands of unsuspecting residents on Wednesday, who appeared surprised that rain might fall in Tyrone in February.
“Ooh, I was affronted”, squeaked the enormous mass of condensed water vapour. “I thought if I could just make it over to Lough Neagh where I could do my business in comfort without bothering anyone I’d be fine, but I just couldn’t. I was bursting. I got as far as Dungannon before it all just gushed out over a six-hour period. It went all over the place. I’ve never been so embarrassed. Tara”.
The rain cloud confessed that it had not helped the situation.
“I’ve been to see a meteorologist, who was a lovely man, and he said I should cut down on the precipitation. Well, easy for him to say, but see, whenever I hover over sea water up by Donegal and all that lovely stuff starts to evaporate, I just can’t help myself stuffing myself. I’ve no willpower. And I do like coming over to Tyrone. I don’t know what it is about the county, but every time I’m there I just seem to get really full and bloated and before I know it I’ve just lost control. Maybe it’s an age thing, once you get to a certain time of life. I am two months old after all”.
The cloud went on to confide,
“I’ve also been very windy recently. I’m a slave to it. I think it might be hereditary because my grandfather used to be a grade one typhoon in the mid-west in Americay. That’s who I get it from. And I have a cousin over in the south of England at the moment, and he’s even worse. Just can’t keep it in”. The cloud went on, “And do you know, it doesn’t help having a fear for heights. You try looking down from 3,000 feet and see what it does to your waterworks”.
The cloud is currently in a relationship with a bank of fog near Drumquin.
A Greencastle unicycle mechanic, Tommy Tracey, has warned locals that he’ll “mow the head clean off” anyone who mentions anything to do with the weather for the foreseeable future. Tracey, who was arrested three years ago for firing a volley of snowballs at a stranger who wished him a ‘Merry Christmas’ in Omagh, announced his decision in Eddie’s Bar last night.
“I’m sick of that crap. Every day it’s ‘Jays it’s a cold wan’ or ‘gives it bad tomorrow’. Is there nothing else to talk about? Horse borgers, the Superboul, Tulisa’s skirt – there’s loads going on out there. But not here in Greencastle. It’s rain this, snow that. I can’t give two fecks if you’re foundered or sweltering. The next person who mentions anything to do with the weather in my vicinity will have their features rearranged, permanently. I mean it.”
Tommy didn’t stop at that and proceeded to list a plethora of topics which are now banned whilst in his company:
“Distance. I don’t care how far it is from Greencastle to Moortown avoiding the Omagh Road. Last week I said to a lad in the bar that I was thinking of going to Belarus this summer. You know what he said? “What road would you take out to that?” We’re obsessed with distances, roads and the weather. And just to reiterate – no happy birthdays or any seasonal greetings in my company. Happy birthday my hole. As if they give a feck about how happy I am on my birthday. I never get people asking me how happy it was after it is over. Save your buckin breath will yiz.”
A group of lads from Kildress are reportedly gearing up to torture Tracey this weekend at the senior friendly between the sides by talking about the weather, distances and roads whilst greeting each other at regular intervals.
A respected Edendork family yesterday claimed to have had a “decent summer altogether at home, boys” amid confusing scenes outside the Dungannon Jobs and Benefits Office in Dungannon. The remarkable admission left fellow ‘Dorks perplexed and doubtful of their honesty following the 22nd horrible holiday season in a row in the townland and surrounding areas.
Mr McAnoy, a retired butcher and avid kite flyer, told his fellow jobseekers that he’d had enough of God and the climate and decided to take on the Irish weather head-to-head.
“We were looking out the window every morning and sure it was lashing down. We’d send the children (six daughters, 2 sons) out into the rain anyway but sure they were miserable just standing there quietly in the field, drenched, crying and too cold to move. After the third bout of pneumonia we decided to take matters into our own hands.”
Jim McAnoy came up with the genius plan to throw the whole lot into the car and drive to where it wasn’t raining, within a twenty mile radius of Edendork. Although the mileage was astronomical over time, McAnoy claims a great time was had by all.
“There were days we’d only have to go as far as Coalisland to beat the rain-clouds for a few minutes. If the wind wasn’t too bad, I’d overtake the clouds no bother. As soon as we’d reach the Lineside, out would come the beach balls, deck chairs, lotion and sandwiches. It was great craic. I admit there were times when we’d just got the stuff out of the boot and it’d be pishing down again which would result in a massive row between myself and herself and long periods of silence in the motor but there were fleeting moments of happiness.”
McAnoy claims the highlights included reaching Cabragh and it not raining for 25 minutes. In that time, they managed to fit in an ice cream, a game of Monopoly and had stripped off to their trunks before the heavens opened.
“I’m proud that the children can go back to the school and write the essay ‘What I did In The Summer’ with confidence and pride now. That is, apart from Tom and Catherine who are still recuperating from the early onset of arthritis. We’ll probably go to Peru next year though”