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Top Geographer Confirms Hurricane Ophelia Blew Moy Into Armagh Permanently

 

tomneys-bar

Moy, Co Armagh

Confusion and denial have been words to describe the feelings of the Moy residents this morning after a top geographer from England confirmed that the Moy is now in Armagh after the recent strong winds and will stay there for a few million years.

 

Satellite images from the International Space Station indicated a geographical land shift in this particular area, with most of the Moy now on the southern side of the Blackwater. Doubt is now also being cast on the legitimacy of the All Ireland wins by Tyrone in the 2000s with any points scored by Moy players reportedly struck off their final tally.

Moy-proud mother Natalie Donaghy admitted she felt something change last week:

“I woke up the morning after the storm and had a real craving for apples and cheap diesel. That night I downed two bottles of Buckfast and that never happens. I even have replaced the picture of the Pope with one of Kieran McGeeney. The earth definitely moved that night.”

Unfortunately, there are calls for the 2008 All Ireland to be awarded to Kerry and the 2005 final to be replayed after scores by Moy players were chalked off. The 2003 final, ironically against Armagh, is untouched due to bad shooting from Moy men that day. Marsden was still retrospectively sent off for punching his own man, Philip Jordan.

Meanwhile, another land shift has seen Aughnacloy moved into Monaghan but no one has batted an eyelid about that.

 

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Quare Drying Weather Status Announced In Mid Ulster

1 P165Thousands of washing lines are this morning said to be under serious stress after the news that Hurricane Ophelia will hit Ulster, which initiated an unprecedented drive to get anything out that can be washed, especially the ones that can’t be tumble dried. 

Plumbridge housewife, Cecilia Quinn, admitted she washed bedclothes that didn’t really need washed at all, having got caught up in the hysteria:

“It’s not often you get hurricanes in the Plum so we have to make the most of it. I’m not sure the line will hold out as I’ve 13 duffel coats on it as well most of the settee covers and curtains. This Ophelia better be good though I’ve saved a right few quid on the tumble dryer already.”

Locals have been warned to be on high alert when driving past heavy-loaded lines as underwear and blankets could come off the pegs and restrict vision. Perverts have also been told to stay away as heavy-duty knickers may be aired today as well and could become a choking hazard.

Meanwhile, Errigal Ciaran’s bid to have the game replayed because the hurricane stopped Peter Harte’s penalty has been rejected as the storm was near Portugal at the time.

Tyrone Enjoys Heat Wave As Weather Re-Classification Index Takes Effect

"Mild, with showers"

“Mild, with showers”

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

New rules to ensure greater parity between cold weather climates such as Tyrone and its warmer-weather European counterparts came into effect today.

The EU’s AWWA ‘Appalling Weather Weighting Allowance’ will now allow towns with generally disappointing weather to re-classify its weather forecasts, to ensure that it is not meteorologically-disadvantaged compared to its European cousins.

Council spokesperson Audi Pyper explained.

“For years we’ve got our hopes up that the climate’s improving and it turns out cat. We’ve had an ongoing programme in the County to persuade everyone to contribute towards increase global warming, because it would do wonders for the climate, but it’s not worked. Global warming unfortunately isn’t coming to Tyrone any time soon, so this is great news”.

Examples of the new index are shown in the table below, which are now in place with immediate effect.

Old Description

New Description

Warm Scorching
Breezy Hot
Mild Warm
Windy Pleasant
Heavy Rain Mild
Torrential Rain Mild
Blizzards Mild
Hurricane Mild with showers
Sub-zero Fresh

Residents in Tyrone now face the exciting prospect of calling this month a genuine ‘Indian Summer’, where ‘Indian’ can be interpreted as ‘prolonged’, and ‘summer’ means ‘downpours’. “Yesterday it was horizontal rain in Edendork, proper pelting down”, said Pyper, “But apparently under the new index we can now call it ‘a slight chance of drizzle’. Class. Think what this’ll do for the tourist trade”.

Prospective tourist Thad McMasterson from America, seemed to agree.

“Gee, doncha jus’ love County Teerone? We checked the forecast with you fine people and it said it’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, all the way through the fall. I just gotta get myself and my wife Marleen ourselves a piece of that action. We’ll be right with y’all, just as soon as we’re done invading folks in some foreign country or other”.

Forecasters from the Met Office are predicting a slight dip in the weather next week, which is expected to be mild with showers.

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