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Riots In Coalisland As Lilt Changes Its Name
Local community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after widespread riots broke out around the town following the news that Lilt will not be called Lilt from later this week.
Rebranded Fanta Pineapple & Grapefruit, Lilt has been a staple accompaniment for cowboy suppers, fish suppers, and sausage suppers in the town since 1933. During the troubles, full cans of Lilt were pelted at the Brits at times of heightened tension. Dennis Taylor famously drank seven tins of Lilt during his 1985 World final versus Steve Davis, causing serious flatulence which Davis blamed for missing the last black.
Phonsie Kelly, 65, a retired poitin maker from the town, fumed:
“So what the buck do we drink with our cowboy suppers now? Men and women will be choking with the dryness of it all. Lilt haven’t thought this through. And sure by the time you ask for Fanta Pineapple and Grapefruit, the food will be cold. I’ll still be asking for Lilt to wash down my Marathon.”
Landi’s are considering calling it Lilt anyways which may get them into trouble with the Coca-Cola company.
‘Big Shot’ Clonoe Man Yet To Collect £26 Grand National Winnings
Man pretending to be Campbell
A Clonoe plasterer, who has been accused of acting the big shot by neighbours this week, has yet to claim his winnings from the Grand National after he put £1 straight on Many Clouds which won at 25-1 ten days ago.
Peader Campbell (37), who almost missed putting the bet on in time due to a failure to put his clock forward an hour two weeks before that, maintains he’ll pick up the £26 ‘some time in the future‘ as he wasn’t too bad for cash at the minute.
Neighbour and friend of the family Johnny Dooley explained how Campbell’s reluctance to claim his winnings hasn’t gone down well in the community:
“Who does he think he is? You see him out mowing the lawn and smirking to himself. I even saw him with a new jumper on him at Mass on Sunday and him still to collect the money from the bookies. He’s really rubbing our noses in it.”
Local bookmaker Declan O’Neill revealed he turns away up to a dozen Peader Campbell imposters a day who attempt to claim the money dressed like a plasterer or wearing a jumper similar to Campbell’s new one.
“Even his wife came in yesterday pretending to be her husband. He has 30 days to collect it so it’s only going to get worse. It’s great publicity all the same. I’ve already a banner up outside the shop saying ‘The Bookies Where Campbell Won £26’. “
Campbell has yet to reveal when he will collect the winnings. Rumours suggest he will buy a fish supper and Fanta Orange from Landi’s with the money and use the rest for general groceries.
Tyrone Tribulations 