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‘Big Shot’ Clonoe Man Yet To Collect £26 Grand National Winnings

Man pretending to be Campbell

Man pretending to be Campbell

A Clonoe plasterer, who has been accused of acting the big shot by neighbours this week, has yet to claim his winnings from the Grand National after he put £1 straight on Many Clouds which won at 25-1 ten days ago.

Peader Campbell (37), who almost missed putting the bet on in time due to a failure to put his clock forward an hour two weeks before that, maintains he’ll pick up the £26 ‘some time in the future‘ as he wasn’t too bad for cash at the minute.

Neighbour and friend of the family Johnny Dooley explained how Campbell’s reluctance to claim his winnings hasn’t gone down well in the community:

“Who does he think he is? You see him out mowing the lawn and smirking to himself. I even saw him with a new jumper on him at Mass on Sunday and him still to collect the money from the bookies. He’s really rubbing our noses in it.”

Local bookmaker Declan O’Neill revealed he turns away up to a dozen Peader Campbell imposters a day who attempt to claim the money dressed like a plasterer or wearing a jumper similar to Campbell’s new one.

“Even his wife came in yesterday pretending to be her husband. He has 30 days to collect it so it’s only going to get worse. It’s great publicity all the same. I’ve already a banner up outside the shop saying ‘The Bookies Where Campbell Won £26’. “

Campbell has yet to reveal when he will collect the winnings. Rumours suggest he will buy a fish supper and Fanta Orange from Landi’s with the money and use the rest for general groceries.

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Brantry Cow Complains Of Lack Of Job Opportunities as ‘Sheepcow’

Clara, practising

Clara, practising

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A Fresian cow has made a formal complaint to the Ulster Farmers’ Union about the lack of opportunities in the County for cows.

Clara, a 4-year old cow from Derrylappen Farm in Brantry, made the complaint after being passed over for the job replacing a sheepdog that was retiring.

“There’s funding for this, funding for that, funding for the other”, she explained, “But nothing for the bovine community. The glass ceiling in the farming industry is ridiculous. I’ve been giving milk every day for two years without so much as a word of thanks. Not a single day off on the sick, even when my daughter was born. When the sheepdog, Jip, retired, I applied for the job. Why not? Sure, I’m maybe a wee bit slower than the dogs, but I’ve a great relationship with the sheep and I’m sure I could persuade them to move along just by asking them nicely. I could be a great sheepcow. First one in the county. Anyway, I went for the interview with the farmer and Jip was there. He just lay there in his basket asking me if I liked beef sandwiches and then yelping with laughter like he’s God’s gift. What’s that all about?”

“And the farmer’s not much better”, continued the cow. “He’s been all funny with me since I said I wanted a try-out for the Grand National. And he gives thon bull about five acres to himself, whilst us girls are cramped together in this here field. Look at it! Dunged to the hilt. Damned disgrace. My shoes are filthy. And that bull’s a nuisance breaking into our field all the time, as if he hasn’t got enough bloody space. And he must be trying to keep his shoes clean too, trying to climb up onto our backs all the time”.

Jip, the sheepdog in question countered,

“Are you having a laugh? Jaysus, the size of that wan lumbering down the field trying to herd sheep? Not a chance. Milk could turn quicker than her. You can’t teach an old cow new tricks”.

Clara has since applied for a job as a sniffer cow at Belfast City Airport.

Tyrone To Enter Guinness Book Of Records On Two Fronts Today

Tattyreagh Tart

Tattyreagh Tart

County Tyrone is set to see its name added to the famous fact collection book today, not once but twice, if all goes to plan within the next few hours. The first prospective entrant concerns the horse ‘Tattyreagh Tart’ which entered the Grand National on April 6th. As a 200-1 outsider, Tattyreagh Tart wasn’t expected to feature in the shake-up and lived up to expectations after it stopped before the first fence to size it up before jumping after 45 mins of deliberation. Unfortunately that turned out to be the quickest attempt at a fence to date. 19 days later and Tattyreagh Tart is still running, or thinking rather. With one fence left to jump, Susie McGee’s horse is expected to finish the race some time today. The McGee family are at Aintree, alone, in the stands:

“It’ll be an emotional day. 19 days is a long time to finish a race but she’s a stubborn wee mare. Full credit does to jockey Michael Kelly from Drumragh who has remained on the girl all that time, eating and sleeping at opportune times. To get into the Book of Records is a bonus. She’s just a bit too much of a thinker. The run-in should be straight forward though Tattyreagh Tart has a habit of running sidewards so it might be a couple of hours yet.”

The second record-breaking event concerns a stand off at the mini-roundabout in Coalisland on the road out to Dungannon. At approximately 7pm yesterday evening, three cars arrived at the junction simultaneously, one coming from Edendork, one from Coalisland and one from the third road coming from the M1. By coincidence, all three drivers recently passed their full driving test, meaning they’re adhering strictly to the rules which state “give priority to traffic approaching from your right”. As all three wait for the traffic to their right to move, a stand-off has occurred which has now run into its 15th hour. Access in and out of Coalisland has been difficult with 122 incidences of road rage reported. The World Record is 17 hours of a standstill at a roundabout. Rumours suggest that Helena Thornton, driving a mini and coming from the Dungannon Road, may take a chance and make a mad dash for it.

 

paul g moss

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