Clara, practising

  BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A Fresian cow has made a formal complaint to the Ulster Farmers’ Union about the lack of opportunities in the County for cows.

Clara, a 4-year old cow from Derrylappen Farm in Brantry, made the complaint after being passed over for the job replacing a sheepdog that was retiring.

“There’s funding for this, funding for that, funding for the other”, she explained, “But nothing for the bovine community. The glass ceiling in the farming industry is ridiculous. I’ve been giving milk every day for two years without so much as a word of thanks. Not a single day off on the sick, even when my daughter was born. When the sheepdog, Jip, retired, I applied for the job. Why not? Sure, I’m maybe a wee bit slower than the dogs, but I’ve a great relationship with the sheep and I’m sure I could persuade them to move along just by asking them nicely. I could be a great sheepcow. First one in the county. Anyway, I went for the interview with the farmer and Jip was there. He just lay there in his basket asking me if I liked beef sandwiches and then yelping with laughter like he’s God’s gift. What’s that all about?”

“And the farmer’s not much better”, continued the cow. “He’s been all funny with me since I said I wanted a try-out for the Grand National. And he gives thon bull about five acres to himself, whilst us girls are cramped together in this here field. Look at it! Dunged to the hilt. Damned disgrace. My shoes are filthy. And that bull’s a nuisance breaking into our field all the time, as if he hasn’t got enough bloody space. And he must be trying to keep his shoes clean too, trying to climb up onto our backs all the time”.

Jip, the sheepdog in question countered,

“Are you having a laugh? Jaysus, the size of that wan lumbering down the field trying to herd sheep? Not a chance. Milk could turn quicker than her. You can’t teach an old cow new tricks”.

Clara has since applied for a job as a sniffer cow at Belfast City Airport.