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Brantry Cow Complains Of Lack Of Job Opportunities as ‘Sheepcow’

Clara, practising

Clara, practising

  BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

A Fresian cow has made a formal complaint to the Ulster Farmers’ Union about the lack of opportunities in the County for cows.

Clara, a 4-year old cow from Derrylappen Farm in Brantry, made the complaint after being passed over for the job replacing a sheepdog that was retiring.

“There’s funding for this, funding for that, funding for the other”, she explained, “But nothing for the bovine community. The glass ceiling in the farming industry is ridiculous. I’ve been giving milk every day for two years without so much as a word of thanks. Not a single day off on the sick, even when my daughter was born. When the sheepdog, Jip, retired, I applied for the job. Why not? Sure, I’m maybe a wee bit slower than the dogs, but I’ve a great relationship with the sheep and I’m sure I could persuade them to move along just by asking them nicely. I could be a great sheepcow. First one in the county. Anyway, I went for the interview with the farmer and Jip was there. He just lay there in his basket asking me if I liked beef sandwiches and then yelping with laughter like he’s God’s gift. What’s that all about?”

“And the farmer’s not much better”, continued the cow. “He’s been all funny with me since I said I wanted a try-out for the Grand National. And he gives thon bull about five acres to himself, whilst us girls are cramped together in this here field. Look at it! Dunged to the hilt. Damned disgrace. My shoes are filthy. And that bull’s a nuisance breaking into our field all the time, as if he hasn’t got enough bloody space. And he must be trying to keep his shoes clean too, trying to climb up onto our backs all the time”.

Jip, the sheepdog in question countered,

“Are you having a laugh? Jaysus, the size of that wan lumbering down the field trying to herd sheep? Not a chance. Milk could turn quicker than her. You can’t teach an old cow new tricks”.

Clara has since applied for a job as a sniffer cow at Belfast City Airport.

Loughmacrory Man’s First Flight Ends In Panic

panic-attack

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A man from Loughmacrory has vowed never to step on another plane after his first venture on to an aircraft ended in him being banned by the airline.

26-year old farmer Conor Allen from Loughmacrory was embarking on his first flight to a tractor convention in England flying with Aer Lingus from Belfast City, when he became convinced that a full-scale emergency was underway.

“I’m tellin’ ye, it was terrifying hi. We were all sitting there in our seats quite the thing, lookin’ at the view out the windows and suchlike and then the wummin comes on the loudspeaker yolk all urgent-soundin’, telling us to get our seatbelts on. Jays, my life flashed in front of me. I thought we’d all been sent for. I admit it, I panicked big time boys. How was I to know they say that sort of thing all the time?”

The fact that Allen was panicked by the straightforward procedural announcement by the crew was made all the more embarrassing by the fact the plane had yet to leave the ground.

A sheepish Allen said,

“Look, I had had my eyes closed, sort of shutting everything out. When I opened my eyes and looked out the window all I could see was these tiny cars away below us on the ground looking like ants. Turns out they were ants. We hadn’t taken off. Some handlin’”.

Eye witnesses say that Allen flew into a blind panic and promptly leapt out of his seat yelling, “We’re doomed, we’re all doomed”, before jumping on top of the female passenger next to him, shouting, “Come on, we’ve only a few minutes left”, whilst taking off his wellies.

Allen’s defence that it was the airline’s fault that made him lose control of his self-restraint, his miniature box of Pringles, and also his bladder, left the airline unimpressed.

“We take safety very seriously”, said a spokesperson. “We tried to calm him down with a free Twix and a can of Magner’s which didn’t work, so we just tasered him in the arse with 40,000 volts. That quietened him down a bit”

Allen said that his flying days are now over, and that if he intends to travel to England again then he’ll do so by driving all the way.

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