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Loughmacrory Man’s First Flight Ends In Panic

panic-attack

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A man from Loughmacrory has vowed never to step on another plane after his first venture on to an aircraft ended in him being banned by the airline.

26-year old farmer Conor Allen from Loughmacrory was embarking on his first flight to a tractor convention in England flying with Aer Lingus from Belfast City, when he became convinced that a full-scale emergency was underway.

“I’m tellin’ ye, it was terrifying hi. We were all sitting there in our seats quite the thing, lookin’ at the view out the windows and suchlike and then the wummin comes on the loudspeaker yolk all urgent-soundin’, telling us to get our seatbelts on. Jays, my life flashed in front of me. I thought we’d all been sent for. I admit it, I panicked big time boys. How was I to know they say that sort of thing all the time?”

The fact that Allen was panicked by the straightforward procedural announcement by the crew was made all the more embarrassing by the fact the plane had yet to leave the ground.

A sheepish Allen said,

“Look, I had had my eyes closed, sort of shutting everything out. When I opened my eyes and looked out the window all I could see was these tiny cars away below us on the ground looking like ants. Turns out they were ants. We hadn’t taken off. Some handlin’”.

Eye witnesses say that Allen flew into a blind panic and promptly leapt out of his seat yelling, “We’re doomed, we’re all doomed”, before jumping on top of the female passenger next to him, shouting, “Come on, we’ve only a few minutes left”, whilst taking off his wellies.

Allen’s defence that it was the airline’s fault that made him lose control of his self-restraint, his miniature box of Pringles, and also his bladder, left the airline unimpressed.

“We take safety very seriously”, said a spokesperson. “We tried to calm him down with a free Twix and a can of Magner’s which didn’t work, so we just tasered him in the arse with 40,000 volts. That quietened him down a bit”

Allen said that his flying days are now over, and that if he intends to travel to England again then he’ll do so by driving all the way.

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Tyrone Firm Ventures Into The Cider Market With ‘Stymers Cider’ Made Out Of Pig Blood

A nice refreshing glass

A nice refreshing glass

By Shengas McGlumphieshengas

A Tyrone drinks manufacturer is hoping to capitalise on the good start to the summer by launching a new type of cider drink, with pig’s blood as the prime ingredient. The brains behind the idea, local businessman and border-line fruitcake Eugene Kerr, explained the deranged thinking that has brought the drink from initial concept to supermarket shelf.

“You’ve got your Magner’s made with apples and of course Bulmer’s is already made out of bulls.  One step on and you’ve got Stymer’s made out of pig blood with quare wee floaty bacon bits. Stand aside Strongbow, there’s a new kid in town! Those boys in Armagh can’t be having it all their own way with their fancy apple orchards. What’s Tyrone got plenty of to make cider with? Pigs. Oh, and bog, but I tried that one. I’ve learned from my mistakes”.

If the Stymer’s brand is successful, Kerr plans to expand the range by creating a partnership with Moy Park Chickens. “Once people get used to ‘Pig Stymer’s’, wait until they get a taste of our ‘Chicken Thigh-der’. We’ve more chickens in Tyrone than you can shake a stick at. It’s going to be big. Maybe even as big as Irn Bru”, predicted an excited Kerr.

The marketing launch to the food and drink press took place at the Greenvale Hotel in Craigavon last Thursday night. Launched with the slogan, ‘For Days When It’s Hot. Bacon Hot’, Kerr was evasive about the feedback from the assembled journalists.

“Well, I couldn’t quite hear the comments for all the retching and the like that was going on, but sure people just need to open their mind a bit. I remember folk in Greencastle started riots when they heard some people were adding water to the Bushmills. Same goes for Stymer’s. A few months and people won’t be able to get enough of the taste of fizzy alcoholic pig blood”.

Promotional activity which took place in Dungannon main street on Saturday under a big banner saying ‘Can You Take The Stymer’s Test?!’ was hurriedly abandoned after an outbreak of mass vomiting amongst participants

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