A man was hailed as a local hero today after the Guinness Book of Records confirmed his entry into the world record books for hitting the snooze button on his alarm clock an incredible eighteen times in one morning, before actually waking up and getting out of bed.
The young achiever, Caleb McGonnell, an unemployed fence-sitter from Dregish, finally woke up at 11.48am on Friday to a round of applause from his family and neighbours and a bacon sandwich from his mother, all of whom who had watched disbelievingly as he continually hit the snooze button on his Telechron 7H241 radio alarm clock an astonishing eighteen consecutive times before promptly falling back to sleep again.
“It was amazing”, said proud mother Martina. “After he did it for the tenth time we knew something special was happening. That’s when we put the call in to RTE and phoned round all the neighbours. I feel tara because for a long time I’ve been calling the cub a shiftless, good-for-nothing, lazy-arsed hoor, and all this time he’s been hiding his true talent. If only I’d known. It’s the proudest day of my life. It would be amazing if he got asked onto ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. He would look brilliant. Or he would do if he could stop clawing himself in his sleep”.
“I’ve done this at only 23 years of age”, said a delighted Caleb. “And to be honest I think my best years are ahead of me. I really believe I’ve more to give. Sleeping my way into the record books wasn’t too hard”, he said modestly. “When the alarm goes off, it’s all about trying to pretend you’re still asleep, hitting the snooze button, and then whipping your arm back under the covers before it gets cold”.
Dregish locals have already started an on-line campaign to have the activity made into an officially-recognised sport, and McGonnell’s family have created a team in readiness for the Commonwealth Games in case the men’s 100 metres sprint gets cancelled due to lack of interest.
Meanwhile according to sources, McGonnell is refusing to rest on his laurels, and is apparently already hard at work considering another bed-based activity for the record books which is being kept tightly under wraps, but apparently involves something to do with lying on his arm until it goes numb.
County Tyrone is set to see its name added to the famous fact collection book today, not once but twice, if all goes to plan within the next few hours. The first prospective entrant concerns the horse ‘Tattyreagh Tart’ which entered the Grand National on April 6th. As a 200-1 outsider, Tattyreagh Tart wasn’t expected to feature in the shake-up and lived up to expectations after it stopped before the first fence to size it up before jumping after 45 mins of deliberation. Unfortunately that turned out to be the quickest attempt at a fence to date. 19 days later and Tattyreagh Tart is still running, or thinking rather. With one fence left to jump, Susie McGee’s horse is expected to finish the race some time today. The McGee family are at Aintree, alone, in the stands:
“It’ll be an emotional day. 19 days is a long time to finish a race but she’s a stubborn wee mare. Full credit does to jockey Michael Kelly from Drumragh who has remained on the girl all that time, eating and sleeping at opportune times. To get into the Book of Records is a bonus. She’s just a bit too much of a thinker. The run-in should be straight forward though Tattyreagh Tart has a habit of running sidewards so it might be a couple of hours yet.”
The second record-breaking event concerns a stand off at the mini-roundabout in Coalisland on the road out to Dungannon. At approximately 7pm yesterday evening, three cars arrived at the junction simultaneously, one coming from Edendork, one from Coalisland and one from the third road coming from the M1. By coincidence, all three drivers recently passed their full driving test, meaning they’re adhering strictly to the rules which state “give priority to traffic approaching from your right”. As all three wait for the traffic to their right to move, a stand-off has occurred which has now run into its 15th hour. Access in and out of Coalisland has been difficult with 122 incidences of road rage reported. The World Record is 17 hours of a standstill at a roundabout. Rumours suggest that Helena Thornton, driving a mini and coming from the Dungannon Road, may take a chance and make a mad dash for it.