Tyrone Tribulations understands that Dungannon Thomas Clarkes GAC has already evoked “The Granny Rule” which became famous in the 1990 World Cup by Jack Charlton and his charges in order to capitalise on the foreign national population currently living in the town, and has done so without the blessing of HQ at Croke Park
We understand multi-lingual flyers have been placed in Moy Park, Linden Foods and Powerscreen to name but three local businesses in an attempt to secure all potential talent. We caught up with raising gaelic star Paolo Cuineihera for his thoughts
“ach well aye, I’ve been togging out for Donaghmore for the last three seasons and Dungannon haven’t taken heed of me yet, and me LCC top scorer three weeks running this year. It seems as if they just want to branch out and grab anyone they can in a bid to get one up on Trillick and rub their faces in it for that defeat in the intermediate championship a lock of years ago. Its tara hi”
It is understood that Clarkes backroom staff have approached a number of experts at an MMA gym for “special assistance” but denied this was anything to do with potential violence, despite the fact mannequins with Matty Donnelly’s head on them have been spotted in the Clarkes changing rooms.
Trillick has declined to comment, other than to shout “Hon te buck Fermanagh” at this shocked reporter.
Despite filming 10 episodes over a period of three months, a BBC NI spokesman confirmed that they’ll not be airing the ‘Tyrone Apprentice’ series over concerns regarding their twist on the iconic ‘You’re Fired’ hand gesture.
Desperate not to simply mimic the successful Alan Sugar version which sees the millionaire point at the unlucky contested each week, the Tyrone Apprentice, filmed in an unused boiler room in Powerscreen, sees local millionaire Giuseppe Morgan fire a potential business partner every episode by raising his middle finger and shouting ‘You’re Fired, Lad’.
BBC NI reality TV spokesman John Corr admitted they were always troubled over the use of the offensive gesture:
“People today are still a bit PC up this part of the world. The middle finger on NI TV is maybe ahead of its time but we can’t afford to take the chance. We thought about using a tranquillizer dart or pellet gun but that brings up all matter of hurdles we’d have to jump, from appeasing the decommissioning crowd to medical cover. We’ve decide to scrap the show and show a rerun of Grimes and McKee Tractor Tour Show.”
Corr added that a couple of apprentice candidates reacted badly to the firing middle-finger gesture and clambered over the table to take swipes at Morgan, although simultaneously admitting it was excellent TV.
The middle finger has a long and illustrious history, dating back to Ancient times when the Greeks used it as a sign of intimidation. In the Red Hand county it is often observed as a term of affection, with many motorists and GAA umpires using it.
For the record, an aspiring business man from Pomeroy won the outright final after his business plan of a gay strip bar in Plumbridge earned Giuseppe Morgan’s financial affections.
Unicorns, leprechauns, dinosaurs and Finn McCool are still considered as daily threats in Aghyaran after government researchers admitted there has never been Internet coverage in the area since it was bought into the rest of Tyrone by Powerscreen in 1999.
In addition, 98% of Aghyarians still believe the earth is flat and that rain only happens when God is sad. Local headmaster and newspaper reader Master Redmond revealed there is a real need for investment in the area after the recent lunar eclipse witnessed families packing the cars and heading for Strabane in panic:
“Since Powerscreen bought the Internet for this part of the world, many newspapers and encyclopaedia stopped making new material as everything is apparently online now. Well, that has been no good to the people of Aghyaran and it’s a constant struggle in the community to keep people abreast of what is going on. If you inform someone of, say, the International Space Station, people just call you a slabber or ‘away in the head’.”
Aghyaran butcher and local historian Kevin Cutter (66) voiced concerns about the introduction of the Internet and maintains it needs to be slowly drip-fed into the area:
“If someone buys the Internet into this area and all of a sudden we’re told that smoking isn’t good for you or that you can’t get pregnant from kissing, then people will just be fainting and stuff from the sudden wave of revelations. It needs to be fed slowly, maybe starting with the likelihood that banshees are probably made up and take it from there. The bru man is real isn’t he?”
BT and O2 revealed they have no plans to improve their coverage in the Aghyaran area as ‘they’re used to not having it anyway’.
An Aughnacloy pilot has lost his Commercial Pilot’s Licence after a series of inappropriate comments whilst in charge of his first major flight from Belfast to Malaga last week.
Eugene McGoldrick, who qualified last year from a flying school in Canada, mistakenly left his microphone on at inappropriate times as well as making ill-advised jokes to the passengers during in-flight announcements.
Experienced air hostess Jenny Dowell from Manchester reckoned it was the most daunting and haunting journey she will probably ever face:
“I don’t know how that man got his licence. For example, just before take off he finished up his first ever introduction to the passengers by saying ‘Good luck, you’ll need it lads‘ before laughing like a maniac. That did not create a sense of calm amongst the flight attendants, never mind the paying public.”
Additionally, half way through the journey he mistakenly turned on his microphone during a game of Connect 4 in the cockpit with the chief flight attendant and screamed as he lost “HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD, I’M BATE” during a bumpy bit of the journey, sending the passengers into a wild frenzy of panic.
“People were kissing each other goodbye and tears were flowing,” claimed Dowell, and added “even after we’d finally sedated the passengers with free Pringles he then rounded off a disastrous flight by announcing ‘prepare for impact‘ before the landing procedure commenced. People were inflating jackets, blowing whistles and shining lights all over the joint.”
McGoldrick has since applied for a job in Powerscreen.
Channel 4’s Time Team have descended just outside Dungannon to reveal ancient animal remains which confirm that Edendork was in fact once a land roamed by a pride of lions.
Tony Robinson and the other trampy looking fella have been involved in digs on a hill behind Edendork chapel since Easter Sunday, unearthing remarkably well preserved and fully intact skeletal remains of the massive wild cats, once king of the land.
The hamlet of Edendork, which translates from Irish as “The Hill of the Boar”, is in fact as it turns out a slightly inaccurate historical representation as the newly discovered bones reveal. It was in fact carnivorous felines, rather than swine, which once held pride of place in the locality.
Local curate Father Simba Ntacubme has been delighted with the find – as long as the dig doesn’t continue south into the confines of the graveyard.
“Its totally amazing!” he exclaimed “This is exactly what this parish needs. It’s a totally new way of bringing in revenue, as the church plate has been very barren of late… I have no need for any more buttons- put it that way.”
Father Ntacubme has already printed 1000 “Totally Edendork” t-shirts and 500 “Totally Edendork” mugs which he hopes to sell to the droves of tourists expected from as far away afield as Killeeshil. The dig site is predicted to rival Powerscreen and the former Tyrone Crystal factory as the new popular attraction in the area.
Edendork Primary School’s headmaster David Attenbrie’s plan to host a ‘hands-on’ session with a live lion in the playground next week have been described as “utter recklessness” by the SELB.
The local GAA club committee are to hold an emergency meeting in the coming days to see if the club crest will be changed considering the revelation, and are reportedly seeking a six figure sponsorship sum for their senior and reserve jerseys from any Nestle chocolate bar.
Rumours that Time Team were initially actually brought in to dig for lost ‘Snowball’ prize fund monies from the Edendork Hall’s successful bingo days were rubbished by Father Ntacubme.
A door-to-door survey has revealed that white-van men make Tyrone women go weak at the knees, surpassing firemen for the first time in 150 years. An emphatic 99% of women from as far apart as Castlederg and Moortown say that the sight of a man in a white van makes their jaw drop and brightens up their day no end. A further 88% say the dirtier the van the better.
Julie Tierney, a musician from the Moy, explained:
“Ah Jaysus don’t talk. About 25 years ago my boiler was being served by what could only be described as the ugliest man I’d ever set eyes on. He had a big bushy moustache that seemed to hold the contents of his last week’s meals in it. He was about 22 stone yet only 5 feet tall. It was a shocking experience. However, as he left I saw him climb into this Ford Transit van that was covered in dung from top to bottom. But you could tell it was a white van. I immediately fell in love with this man and we’ve been married 24 years now and have 9 middlin looking children.”
The survey also specified that the dirtier the man and van the better. Julie shouted:
“Yes, we don’t really fall for the men in suits delivering Asda stuff or Powerscreen men and the like. It’s the plumbers, plasterers, joiners, sparks and general hands-on men with spanners in their back pockets, filthy nails and knee-torn jeans that are hanging off them that turn us weak at the knees. Jaysus I’m getting all bothered here thinking about them.”
The Greenvale in Cookstown has seen a rise in men turning up for the discos in white vans since the findings of the survey were published. Chief fireman Pat Mangan claims it’s only a flash in the pan:
“Bastards. Them and their oul white rust buckets. We’ll up our game in the morning. Women can’t resist the sight of a man wrestling with a hose. Cats will be washed down from trees in future.”