By Aughoughilley Schniffles

New Edendork St Malachy’s crest?

Channel 4’s Time Team have descended just outside Dungannon to reveal ancient animal remains which confirm that Edendork was in fact once a land roamed by a pride of lions.

Tony Robinson and the other trampy looking fella have been involved in digs on a hill behind Edendork chapel since Easter Sunday, unearthing remarkably well preserved and fully intact skeletal remains of the massive wild cats, once king of the land.

The hamlet of Edendork, which translates from Irish as “The Hill of the Boar”, is in fact as it turns out a slightly inaccurate historical representation as the newly discovered bones reveal. It was in fact carnivorous felines, rather than swine, which once held pride of place in the locality.

Local curate Father Simba Ntacubme has been delighted with the find – as long as the dig doesn’t continue south into the confines of the graveyard.

“Its totally amazing!” he exclaimed “This is exactly what this parish needs. It’s a totally new way of bringing in revenue, as the church plate has been very barren of late… I have no need for any more buttons- put it that way.”

Father Ntacubme has already printed 1000 “Totally Edendork” t-shirts and 500 “Totally Edendork” mugs which he hopes to sell to the droves of tourists expected from as far away afield as Killeeshil. The dig site is predicted to rival Powerscreen and the former Tyrone Crystal factory as the new popular attraction in the area.

Edendork Primary School’s headmaster David Attenbrie’s plan to host a ‘hands-on’ session with a live lion in the playground next week have been described as “utter recklessness” by the SELB.

The local GAA club committee are to hold an emergency meeting in the coming days to see if the club crest will be changed considering the revelation, and are reportedly seeking a six figure sponsorship sum for their senior and reserve jerseys from any Nestle chocolate bar.

Rumours that Time Team were initially actually brought in to dig for lost ‘Snowball’ prize fund monies from the Edendork Hall’s successful bingo days were rubbished by Father Ntacubme.